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This may be long but i hope people take time to read it. i want to start out by saying that my family is of native American decent and i know that we have always attracted spirits to us. until recently i have never been lucky enough to see one. I've had an invisible guest in every single home I've lived in. leading me to believe that its one that follows ME. this Im ok with because Im used to it.
I've also experienced other things which i
can deal with like smelling cologn of a deceased person I've never met or someone who Im missing.
there is also the curse of feeling emotions of others so strongly that its hard to distinguish if they are my emotions or not. i don't go to the mall at Xmas because i get aggravated and feel anxious. overwhelmed. i was diagnosed as bi polar or as having adjustment disorder etc but meds do nothing for me but make me tired or irritable. people say Im too emotional or mood swings. when someone in the room cries out in anger or frustration i become angered. watching sad movies and i don't mix. i literally feel like my heart is breaking and i cry in sobs. my family laughs at this of course lol! i know things about people and their feelings that i Prolly shouldn't know and can sense danger by being near certain people. i always say that person makes me ickie. and thats EXACTLY the feeling i get.
now my 2nd problem. for years now especially recently i somehow just KNOW things. not visions or promotions. on occasion Im able to tell someone your mom is gonna call and the cell rings of course its who i said. i always get the corner of the eye look when that happens. i seem to ALWAYS just KNOW when Im being lied to or what someone will do or say. but when confronted with what i just KNOW its always denied. i know when someone far away is upset with me. i have dreams of people i haven't talked to in a while and the next day they call. all of my romantic relationships have pretty much told me i was crazy. i always just knew when they were doing wrong. am i paranoid? or gifted
Tortured, human beings are born with instincts that are soon extinguished as they age. Empathy - the ability to "feel" the emotions of others and imagine those feelings is not a "bad thing," though it can really get out of control if we're particularly vulnerable due to childhood traumas, etc.
You've been properly diagnosed BiPolar? And, you've been prescribed medication that is closely monitored? Sometimes, this is helpful, but medications are not the sole answer to any chemical imbalance. I would strongly urge you to engage in counseling therapy with a PSYCHOLOGIST and not a psychiatrist. Psychiatry approaches the chemical and medical facets of the human brain while psychology addresses the emotional and behavioral facets of human behavior. There are techniques and methods that can help you to manage mood swings, cycling, and hyper-emotional states, but it requires dedication, resolve, and practice.
Nobody would ever "choose" to be BiPolar, Tortured. It's a very painful disorder and not something that anyone "deserves." Having typed that, you are the sole keeper of your own emotional and physical health. In addition to prescribed medication, counseling should be a requirement to help you learn how to manage your own emotional health.
Brightest blessings to you
Tortured, I would like to see you change your CZ ID because you are placing a negative connotation on yourself. I agree with many of the points in the response, above. Human "sensitivity" and instincts are there for "A Reason." That your own sensitivity has survived childhood reconditioning is, indeed, a "gift" of sorts. There is nothing "wrong" with being A Sensitive! It can be a challenge, but it's not an indication that you're "crazy."
The emotional issues that you're experiencing that you feel are a challenge can be addressed through proper counseling therapy with the "right" professional - that would be someone that doesn't necessarily support over-medicating and takes a more personal and holistic approach.
If we understand our core issues, we can learn many priceless techniques and methods of managing those issues without mind-altering chemicals. As an example, I was suffering from extreme anxiety, and I was prescribed a relatively "routine" anti-anxiety medication that was to be taken 3X's daily, or "as needed." Initially, I snapped these things in half and took 1/2 twice daily. After a short time, I began weaning myself off of this chemical because I was learning coping techniques in sessions that helped me to relieve the anxiety. I no longer take these medications because I learned how to manage triggers and reactions.
I'm rather in agreement with "labels" because I've seen NUMREOUS people rely upon a diagnosis to "excuse" their behaviors - in fact, it allowed for them to actually make some very "bad" choices and decisions, and then blame the "condition" that they had been diagnosed with. This is a result of psychiatry, which is the study of brain chemistry. I would urge you to consider counseling sessions with a psychologist that addresses human behavior and emotions to learn the core of your anger, etc. These things can be safely managed, Tortured.
Most important for you to understand is that not one of us on this planet is without some sort of issue. Each one of us carries our own imperfections and foibles, and this doesn't make us "bad" people! It's how we manage these foibles is what determines whether or not we mean harm to ourselves or others. You sound genuinely interested and committed to sorting yourself out, and that is NOT a symptom of someone who doesn't care or means harm. So, in essence, your sensitivity and creativity can be a beautiful thing if you take some steps to sort out the emotional core issues.
Brightest healing blessings
Once again, the "holiday season" is upon us and abusers have available countless opportunities and excuses to perpetrate more frequent and severe episodes of domestic violence and abuse against their victims. Domestic violence/abuse includes: emotional violence, verbal violence, physical violence, religious/spiritual abuse, financial abuse, and sexual abuse. Domestic violence and abuse has no cultural, religious, sexua| orientation, ethnic, or economic boundaries. There is no stereotype or profile for domestic violence to exist, and it covers every "intimate" relationship, including platonic and familial associations.
During the holiday season, it is a statistical fact that reports of domestic violence and the severity of the episodes make a dramatic spike. The reason is simple: there are ample excuses for the abuser to experience "stress," and therefore more ample opportunities to blame victims for increasing stress in one way or another, especially in our current economic climate. Of course, the victims have nothing to do with the perpetration of violence by their abusers - they don't "ask for it," or stretch the limits of stress to cause their abusers to harm them. They are just there, for whatever reason.
If children are involved, the violence often becomes even more extreme with a reported 90% of all domestic violence being perpetrated IN FRONT OF CHILDREN. Often, the victim is threatened with "No Presents" for children unless the victim agrees OR submits to (fill in the blank). The victim is frightened of being abused, certainly, but they are even more frightened of the threats that may be seen through by the abuser. In my previous life, the abuser did, indeed, follow through with threats and the children were denied gifts during the holiday, special holiday meals, participation in religious/spiritual rituals, and many, many other witholdings. Keep in mind this statistical fact: children who are raised in an environment of domestic violence and abuse are 10 times more likely to develop into abusers or victims, themselves. If they develop into abusers, their level of abuse will be greater than their predecessor's.
How to know if you (or, someone you know) is involved in an abusive relationship? The first thing to do is to open your eyes and put on your "listening ears." From the National Domestic Violence Hotline website, www.ndvh.org, a general list of potential violence/abuse is provided:
I got out. I lost many, many things, including my own children. You, on the other hand, might be able to fare better than I did if you go through the proper channels. NOTHING is worth remaining - "Things" can be replaced, but there is no monetary equivalent to human life or well-being.
My most sincere positive energies and brightest blessings to all who are afraid, suffering, and desperate. End the cycle and contact: .National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224
I'm sorry that your friend is in this dreadful situation and that you are now a target. Has the woman been diagnosed Borderline, or do her behaviors fit the desscription? If she's been diagnosed, it will not end well. And, the only reason that I ask about diagnosis is that it would be important for him if he chooses to extract himself from this horrible situation.
Your friend is in deep trouble and he is the only person who can help himself. The only thing that you can really do are to protect yourself from this woman. Block her from your FB profile. You can do this by going to " ; S E T tings," then choose "Privacy," then choose the "Block" option.
As for your friend, I type that he is in "deep trouble," because he is. Borderlines can be the most volatile and violent of all the personality disorders. He has been sending very clear messages to this woman that her behaviors will be tolerated, that he is willing to accept her abuse, and that she is invited to remain in his life to act-out for as long as she wishes. There are several steps that this fellow is going to have to take if he wants to recover from this mess. Otherwise, he's going to end up either doing something that he's going to regret for the rest of his life, or he's going to become another statistic.
Always keeping the facts about Borderline in mind, it is vital to accept that they are what they are, that nothing will ever alter their behaviors and patterns, and that they are not only toxic, but they are dangerous. In the following order, your friend has the option of taking these steps in the order that they're listed to save himself, or not:
1. Call the police and file a report of domestic violence and abuse, ASAP. Laws have changed and a DV issue will require the police to remove the woman from his house, particularly if she's threatened to harm him, has harmed him, and is making threats.
2. Immediately file for an Order Of Protection, or Protection From Abuse, or whatever legal remedy his locality calls it. Immediately. This will allow for a "Temporary Restraining Order" to be issued. ***DO NOT WAIT to file for a Restraining Order*** To wait will allow this woman to continue the cycle.
3. Gather all documentation and willing witnesses to testify as to the facts of this woman's behaviors - facts and documentation, not how everyone is feeling about this woman's behaviors. Copy and print FB comments, threats, messages, texts, calls, voice-mails, etc. TAKE PHOTOS of injuries, scratches, bruises, etc.
4. Block this woman's ability to call, email, text message, access FB profiles, send FB messages, etc. NO EXCEPTIONS. Every means that this woman has to contact him should be addressed. Once the TRO (Temporary Restraining Order) has been issued, the police should be called each time there is an attempt to contact him in any manner. If she shows up at his place of employment, call the police, immediately. If she contacts a friend to pass along a message, contact the police, immediately. If she sends snail-mail, he is NOT to respond to it, but to file it along with other evidence.
5. Inform friends and family that this woman is not to be contacted, under any circumstances. She may NOT speak to them, send messages through them, etc. Everyone should block this woman from communicating with them, or contacting them.
Sadly, her behaviors need to be documented, but this is the ONLY way to manage this. And, he cannot react, reply, or respond to any of her attempts to contact him, ever.
Finally, it would be a very, very wise decision for your friend to get involved in some counseling therapy with someone who specializes in domestic violence and abuse, PTSD, etc. There are some very serious issues that this fellow needs to address and sort out before he gets into another relationship. To allow an abuser to remain in his dwelling after he "broke up" with her is an indication that he has some deep-seated issues. And, it would be very, very UNwise for him to begin or engage in any new relationships until he sorts some of this stuff out.
Bottom line for you, however, is that you can do nothing to "save" or "rescue" this fellow. To do so would only enable him to continue codependency. He is stuck in a dreadful cycle and nothing that you can do is going to end it. He's going to have to end it, himself. As far as you're concerned, this needs to be communicated to him in very clear language, "I really care about you and I'm concerned for what you're experiencing, but I will not risk my own safety, anymore. These are the things that you can do to help yourself."
NO, you're not abandoning this friend, but your own sanity is at stake, along with your personal safety. Borderlines can be very dangerous, manipulative, charming (when necessary), and violent. My eldest son is a Borderline Cluster B, and it is heartbreaking, sad, and frustrating, but I know what he is, what he has done, what he continues to do, and what he will likely do, so I am really not involved with him. A borderline will not stop unless they are fearful of prison or civil suits.
Be safe and brightest blessings to you, and to your friend.
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/basics/definition/con-20023204
http:/www.thehotline.com
Right. I feel that I "know" that there is something seriously wrong, but I'd like feedback and insight just to affirm my intuition, on this.
My eldest son has tried to make a turnaround, but he's still Borderline, and always will be. After his second marriage ended, he immediately hooked up with a young woman from Russia, online. He claims that they met on a political chat board, but I don't believe that any more than the moon is made of green cheese. Regardless, he went to Moscow on 3 occasions to hook up with this woman and finally brought her over to marry her.
On his dime, he transported her over here, has paid for her naturalization process, married her, etc. Now, she's in her 8th month of pregnancy, which was a "surprise" to my son, and she is behaving badly, IMHO.
It began when I met my son, last year, and he and I had a long, long talk about the past, and the present. When I met his Russian wife, I asked her many questions that were appropriate - I am the elder, here, and I asked questions about her plans, her goals, her homeland, etc., and she later complained that I had asked "awkward" questions.
Since she became pregnant, I had offered to help them both out when the baby was born, and the offer has been rejected, numerous times. "You don't need to help. We have a neighbor who will help." Then, I sent a birthday gift to this woman and she sent the gift back because they weren't skin-tight garments that she's accustomed to wearing - I thought that she'd want to be comfortable during the summer months of her preganancy, as anyone would, and this was not the case.
THEN, I sent baby clothing that I had found and received a message from her that, while she appreciated the clothes, they had enough and they wouldn't be using any baby clothes that were used, unless they "knew the baby that had worn them." They would not be accepting clothing that was "worn too much" or unwashed, unclean, etc., and that they would only be using new cloth diapers.
Whatever - I'd already accepted the fact that I will not be involved in my grandchild's life, and I'm not going to go screaming about grandparents' rights. It's a waste of time, money, energy, and emotions, and I cannot change this situation.
My concern is that this woman has scammed my son for a green card and citizenship in this country. He has paid for all phases of the naturalization processes, including trips to locations and the fees that accompany all of the paperwork. AND........this woman contacted me 2 years ago to complain of my son's abusive behaviors on both FaceBook and through her private Skype account. I believe that she's setting him up for a domestic violence / abuse complaint that will automatically guarantee her a green card, housing, welfare, and every other service to become a citizen, once the baby is born.
During these complaints over FB and Skype, she asked about previous relationships and my son's anger issues, to which I was open and honest about and suggested that she contact the Domestic Violence Hotline. She contacted my younger son in this very same manner at the same time, as well - I didn't know this until last night, and my younger son didn't know about her contacting me, either.
Any insights on this? I'm managing my concerns about this situation, but there is something very wrong with this whole situation, I can see it, I can smell it, and I can almost predict what's going to happen simply because of this woman's odd behaviors, etc. This is NOT a cultural misunderstanding as I know many, many immigrants who do not behave this way, and I have never had a gift given back to me or thoroughly criticized by anyone during my entire lifetime.
Thanks for any input!
To clarify: after the woman had contacte my younger son, and myself, she deleted both her FB page and her Skype account, and now communicates with her mother in Russia via some sort of Russian Skype Equivalent.
Suddenly, after the complaints, everything was wonderful.
During the Skype and FB communications, she asked about my eldest son's past and steroid use and clearly stated that they had been trying to concieve a baby, but had been unsuccessful. THEN, when she came up pregnant a few months ago, my eldest son said that the pregancy was completely unexpected.
Too many red flags are flapping, here, and I'm going to have to make some decisions about my own choices that will likely be unpleasant.
Thank you for the input, and I believe that I'm sticking with my intuition, here. In the past 5 years, I've done some serious personal recovery and realignments of my personal beliefs and effort to remain objective. The facts are the facts, and my youngest son is overwhelmed by the "possibility" that his sister-in-law "could be" a scammer. He acknowledges that this woman is behaving very badly, and has behaved very badly in the past.
Emotionally, I'm very sad about this situation - it's sad on every level and the baby is, indeed, my grandchild. I can only say this because my son and his wife do not spend a moment away from one another, and it's not the "healthy" kind of attachment. She doesn't work or even drive, and my son is disabled and has always been seriously isolated. It's very unhealthy, and I've read countless articles of how this will likely go down: he's a mess and she's going to accuse him of abuse and/or threats of violence. Because she's married to him, she'll be granted a green card as the baby is a born citizen, and she'll be eligible for every welfare program available, including legal aid. My son, on the other hand, will be forced to pay alimony and child support and there's nothing that I can do to prevent it. It is what it is.
Walking away from this situation is the only thing that I can do, practically speaking. And, I've been practicing separating my feelings from facts, and this situation is rotten from the gate.
I won't tell my son what I believe, or even hint at my concerns. It would only give him a cause to hold onto this sham of a marriage even tighter. Big, "ugh," here but it is what it is.
Thanks, again.
Thanks so much, BlueRose - it just is what it is, and there is absolutely nothing that I can do. Even contacting ICE won't have much impact because they're legally married, and that's how she got into the U.S. She didn't come over on a work visa, and that's enough of a red flag, right? Now that she's going to have a baby next month, that'll be the final thing that she'll need to finish her task.
I did a lot of research on this when this woman's behavior began to change, suddenly. Of course, I was verrrrry dubious about the whole thing from the beginning, but my son is a grown man, and he made this decision, himself. To interfere would only make matters worse. And, you know my history and the issues with this son from years back - it's not going to be pleasant.
So, I've accepted the situation as it is, and I realize that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to prevent the inevitable. (sigh) Oh, well.........
Good to "see" you, and I hope that all is well with you! Thanks, again!!!
Well.......I did contact this woman via an assertive (NOT angry) written message to indicate to her that returning gifts and criticizing / complaining about what was gifted is 100% unacceptable in this country. I also pointed out that grandparents are held in high esteem to do for their grandchildren as and how they can. I stated that she needed to contact me using her own email account, or Skype account, or even using her own cell phone, but that my son should not be the go-between.
I received an outrageous rant, this morning, from this woman. It was accusatory, ugly, and of the utmost disrespect imaginable. She went so far as to call me a "racist" with reference to a comment that I made that she didn't understand the customs of this country and that it might create problems for her in the future, since she didn't arrive in this country on a work or student visa - she came into this country strictly on a marriage visa, if there IS such a thing.
I do not care, one iota, about this woman, and my eldest son allowed this whole thing to blow up by misinforming this woman about his past, how many marriages he's had, what the circumstances were that ended each marriage, and that I had somehow had tried to interfere in his second marriage. I never spoke to his second wife and only met her on the occasion when I picked up my youngest son who had been living with them for a short time.
She is now in the TEXTBOOK final phase of isolating my son from his family, will be delivering this child, soon, and she will likely file charge of domestic abuse and/or violence once this child is born. Every aspect of this woman's behavior is listed by the US Embassy as patterns of green card scammers. From arriving in this country at my son's expense, to the marriage within 90 days, and the subsequent drama/trauma and unexpected pregnancy, this final effort to isolate is absolutely noted as predictable.
I am out. I am done. I cannot risk my progress for any man, woman, or child, and this whole episode has made me sick to my stomach.
This morning, I became very sad and angry about this woman's behaviors because I had kept up a false hope that both of my sons and I could enjoy a healthy relationship, finally. Well, that's just not the case. The eldest son is (as I mentioned) Borderline and Cluster B. He has extreme control and anger issues, is an admitted abuser, and he ended up marrying one just as devious as he is, if not more so.
So........a note to parents out there who are trying to mend fences with adult chidlren and feeling guilty for whatever rift that exists: if you have stood accountable for the mistakes that ALL parents make, including ones who escaped dysfunctional dynamics, and apologized to your adult child, you have done as much as you can. The rest is up to them because, as adults, they are making their own choices.
I still love my eldest son and care about his well-being, I will not be drawn into this mess, even if a grandchild is involved. I cannot allow myself to become attached to a human being that I will never have contact with.
Onzy, I am so sorry to read most of your post - I didn't read the entire post because of length, but I got the gist.
I disagree with WhiteShark's approach mainly because recovery and healing from a dysfunctional and traumatic childhood is a complete mind-body-spirit endeavor. The mind is where the bulk of the issues arise because that was what suffered during your most impressionable years. Was your mother ever diagnosed as Borderline? If so, I am so, so sorry for you, and for the rest of your family - it is a dreadful disorder that can be cruel and warp the minds of their offspring.
Having typed that, there are a number of things that you can do to help yourself. First option is to seek counseling (yes, I typed it: counseling) from a licensed practioner (psychologist, NOT psychiatrist) that specializes in childhood trauma. child abuse, and trauma recovery. You can get a list of these practitioners from your local mental health hotline. Most work on sliding scales if you do not have insurance coverage. And, I will say this from personal experience: a good counseling therapist is worth every penny spent. This is not to say that all counselors are "good," and a "good" therapist will ask hard questions and answer your questions with insight and knowledge. They will also provide tools and techniques to manage depression and anxiety, and help their clients release the shame-core that was forced upon them when they were children. If you are not feeling any forward progress, move on to another practitioner, and keep doing so until you find one that is "good.' Shame is a terrible, terrible burden, and no supplement, protocol, or wishful thinking is going to exorcise SHAME from a person's psyche. There are things that need to be addressed and processed.
Then, healing the body can be more gentle and forgiving, rather than the typcial "All-Or-Nothing" approach that most adults who were raised in a traumatic environment practice. There won't be the "...if I don't succeed at this in the first ten minutes, I'm a failure and I'm not going to bother trying..." perception. Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
Finally, the spiritual aspect will begin to heal as your journey progresses. This doesn't mean that you're going to wake up, one day, and have a spiritual epiphany and everything will be perfect - though, it could happen! This also doesn't mean that you're obligated to adopt a "Religion." What "spiritual" healing is comes down to sorting out your own Self to be open to give and receive positive energy, agape love, and feeling centered and balanced.
But, whatever choices you make about your own recovery and healing, take heart in the knowledge that FEAR and SHAME are not who you are. The fear and shame are the results of being abused and/or traumatized by someone that you had to rely upon to see to your needs. What's a child who's being terrorized or ridiculed or physically abused going to do? Children do not have the power, control, or maturity to advocate for themselves, and you are NOT responsible for whatever was done to you. You are worthy and deserving of living a balanced and cenetered life. You are. You do not have to define yourself by someone else's issues. You can choose to be whom you are without feeling fearful, anxious, or shameful.
A book that might help you would be, "Healing The Shame That Binds You," by Bradshaw. You mentioned that your mother isn't an alcoholic, or anything, but Borderline Personality Disorder is insidious. You are not responsible for HER issues. This book will help lead you to that place of acceptance and self-confidence so that you can recover and heal yourself.
The final caveat is that recovery and healing are not easy, simple, or painless. It requires a comittment to your own well-being, to truth, and to honesty with yourself and your counselor. Other people don't need to be involved in your recovery and healing processes. But, once you take your first step upon your own individual healing path, things will change for you on every level. Mind, body, and spirit.
Brightest blessings to you..........
I am so sorry that I missed this post.
When you engaged in counseling, was there any assessment or diagnosis rendered? What makes you believe that your wife is Borderline? How are your children coping with her behaviors? What are the Borderline behaviors that you are observing? I ask these questions because they are relavent to Borderline Personality Disorder, in general. A person doesn't necessarily have to be Borderline to interfere with friendships or create subterfuge. There are many, many personality disorders that can be attributed to behavioral symptoms that often overlap. Does your wife threaten suicide as a means of control?
Your boundaries will be things that you determine to lay a foundation for, and to keep strict control over, regardless of what anyone says or does. Adjustments and maintenance of those boundaries will have to be diligent. I would strongly recommend determining what boundaries you feel need to be set and working on those issue, personally, with an individual counselor (perhaps) and possibly have your children involved in counseling, as well - THAT is a very difficult step to take because choosing the "right" counselor for your children will be a long process - anyone can earn a LCSW with hard work and diligence, but to be a GOOD counselor requires maturity, compassion, intuition and insight, and focus upon clients.
We do not have the power to control, "fix," or cure ANY situation on our own - not by wishful thinking, false hope, or any other means. The only thing over which we have control is our own Self. Learning how to control one's Self and respond rather than react takes time, patience, and hard work on our own parts. You cannot stop your wife's behaviors. You can manage how you respond to them, but be advised that each time that you "manage" your responses, she is going to work on finding new and more creative ways to do whatever it is that she does to control everyone else's behaviors and reactions. You have the ability to manage your responses, but you do not have the ability to help your wife, in any way. Period.
Please, visit the following sites for more information on Borderline and other personality disorders:
www.familyarrested.com
www.180rule.com
Best wishes and brightest blessings to you and your children
Valueachild, I am so sorry for your experiences and I can identify with your desire to have a peaceful closure with this man. The problem is that it's not going to happen, no matter what you do to facilitate it. This is just a fact and observation, and not a criticism or anything rooted in malice, by any stretch of the imagination.
You posted under the abuse forum, but also the "Borderline Personality" forum and, depending upon which cluster(s) this man falls under as per the diagnosis, Borderlines are "the most" dangerous personality disordered to deal with, bar none, other than psychopaths. The reason is that they are utterly unpredictable and typically very violent. The games that they play are for keeps, and they often act out their violence through domestic abuse or even murder. The statistics on murder BY Borderlines is staggering. They're also apt to attempt suicide, and I promise that nobody wants to be involved in that nasty scenario. Two months of "study" on this is a start, but consider the fact that the professionals are still grappling with nearly all personality disorders because they cannot be adequately treated with the exception of Bipolar Disorder - this disorder is the most manageable of the lot. The rest are untreatable, and the professionals do not "like" that fact, one iota.
Just as an aside, was he ever properly diagnosed by a psychiatrist?
My suggestion is only an option, but it is that you only communicate through his attorney OR.......better still........just write off whatever property it is that you want back. Property is just that: physical stuff that can be replaced. You, on the other hand, cannot be replaced, and this man has pulled out ALL of the legal stops and has no intention of ending this amicably.
Consider all of the options with regard to communication and leave your own "feelings" out of the contemplation - certainly, acknowledge the sadness, the fear, the anger, the disappointment, etc., but let those "feelings" roll over you and through you BEFORE you take any action. Then, the "Practical Mind" will have a chance to weigh in on the decision rather than the "Emotional Mind" doing something that might be regretable. Consider the very wise option to go "No Contact," and that means contacting anyone that he might be dating - it is considered legal harassment to do this, even if your intent was genuine. But, having been in your shoes, the intent can be rooted in concern, but it's also an opportunity to tell someone all about what a bastard the ex is.
KUDOS for getting into Alanon! And, I will offer another very strong encouragement that you engage in some counseling therapy with a specialist that is recommended by your local domestic violence agency or Victims' Services agency. I chose this option for myself after the collapse of my second marriage to a sociopath - the first one was a violent abuser, and the second one was a con man. I kept choosing these people - not because I deserved to be abused and victimized, but because I had personal issues that were never resolved.
Just walk away. A couple of websites that might assist you with information and recovery:
www.familyarrested.com
www.180rule.com
www.thehotline.org
Good luck and brightest blessings
Valueachild, "happy" is not how I describe myself, in general terms. "Happy" is a short-termed response to something pleasant, like seeing a chidl laugh in true mirth. I am content. I am centered. I am feeling balanced more so than I have ever felt during my entire lifetime. I will never, ever remarry. I am perfectly okay on my own. Are there times when I would like a partner? Sure, there are - someone to "share" my moments with, but it's not an immediate feeling, nor is it a personal mandate. My life is MINE, at long last, and I am not really interested in negotiating with someone else over what movie to watch or what foods to eat.
Four years and 3 days ago, I discovered that the second man that I married had not been what he had presented for our entire relationship and that he had been living a double life for over 14 years. The truth of what he was happened to be beyond my realm of comprehension, and I spiraled down into an extreme state of depression, anxiety, and shame. It took me nearly 3 years of intensive trauma counseling with a certified and licensed trauma specialist (NOT, not, NOT a "life coach") to get to a point where I was able to practice techniques and use emotional tools to my advantage and to move forward with my life, reclaiming my Self (soul), and living FOR my Self (soul), at long last.
It may be advantageous to ask yourself why there is this intense and immediate requirement to fill the space with another partner. Abaondonment issues can be resolved, but it takes TIME and trust in the Self, rather than in someone else to do the "rescuing." Those of us who have abandonment issues typically cling to others and devlop detailed fantasies about how the "new" person is going to be so much better than the previous abuser and actively seek to fill the perceived "void" that the charismatic abuser left. Unless and until the issues are resolved and the challenging emotional work is done, we typically find ourselves strapped with another abuser - this is statistical fact, not observation or opinion. And, each new abuser is worse than the one before because our self-esteem and self-confidence has become SO eroded that we actually believe that we deserve nothing better.
Recovery and healing from such a situation is painful only because a burned hand learns what "hot" truly means. This time in recovery may be challenging, but it takes the passage of time to "get over" what a charismatic abuser does to us. When we are finally separated from them, everything has been dismantled - sexuality, finances, spirituality, self-beliefs, emotions, and our physical health. It takes TIME to recover. That's all. No, I didn't ***like*** this fact, at all. I wanted to be CURED and ready to roll the day I entered into therapy. But, it doesn't work that way.
Here are a couple of sites that you may find helpful in your journey of recovery:
www.familyarrested.com
www.180rule.com
You wrote, "I don't feel that I can fall in love again or find someone who was so attentive and loving like he was!" Try falling "in love" with yourself, now. Give your Self all of the attention that you would want to give someone else. You are worthy and deserving of everything GOOD in this lifetime, even when Life's challenges slow us down.
"Healing The Shame That Binds You," by John Bradshaw will unlock a LOT of childhood trauma so that you can seriously begin the task of recovering. Healing comes later. Take your time, care about your Self, first, and leave "fall in love, again" out of the vocabulary for a while until you can replace it with, "I can choose whom I will love, now."
Brightest blessings to you
Ham-cereal, I'm so sorry to read about your situation, and I'm sorrier that there are 3 children involved.
Borderline ....... has she been diagnosed as borderline, or does she exhibit the symptoms? There are specific dangers with regard to borderlines depending upon which cluster they fall into. Some will threaten suicide while others will attempt suicide as a provocation. Physical violence is not uncommon, regardless of gender.
If you are done with this marriage, I would strongly encourage you to become involved in individual / private counseling. A lot happens to a person when they've lived in a traumatic situation, and men tend to "cope" with this trauma quite differently from women.
THEN, I would hire the best attorney that I could find. Borderlines do not like to lose, and they will manipulate Family Courts for their own benefit and drama/trauma entertainment. They will also use children as tools or weapons. This is particularly difficult when the mother is a serious problem. BUT, if you begin counseling therapy with a trauma specialist, and continue going to sessions, etc., this will be of benefit not only in the divorce, but also for you, personally, in the long run so that you don't choose another disordered person as a partner.
I also tried to "fix" a very dysfunctional and abusive union because I was SO ashamed for having chosen a very, very bad partner. Life is entierly too short to spend it walking on egg shells and allowing children to be dreadfully traumatized by a wacko parent.
Don't threaten your wife with divorce. Do not tell her that you've spoken to an attorney. Don't give her ANY indication that you're going to file for divorce. Just find a calm spot in your day, quiet your mind as much as you can, and keep moving through your days until your attorney advises you to either move out or kick her out. DOCUMENT everything that she says or does using a written (NOT technological) log using dates, times, exact quotes, actions, and YOUR actions/responses, even if they don't make you look like a saint.
Particularly where the children are concerned, tell them nothing, as well.
Best wishes to you on this challenging journey. You will make it out of this and hopefully take your children with you.
One of the most natural and "normal" emotions that accompany the healing process with regard to NPD or sociopathy victimization is hatred, anger, rage, and a deep-seated desire to exact revenge. While these reactions are "normal," they can easily and very quickly develop into a full-blown disease of their own.
"But, Soulful, this person deliberately damaged me for their own entertainment and satisfaction!!! They deserve to suffer, too!"
Indeed, anyone who deliberately harms another person does deserve to suffer. But, in order for us to evolve from victims into Survivors, holding on to those volatile reactionary emotions does not, under any circumstance, promote our own personal growth and healing. Rather, those emotions become a barricade that prevents us from moving forward on our healing paths - a veritable emotional obstacle that not only stops us in our tracks, but buries us, spoonful by negative spoonful, until we become a shell of a human being without hope of, or interest in, healing our own Self (Self = that which makes us unique / soul). We refuse to let go of our negative emotions because we become enamored of feeling "justified" in our burning hatred and entertainment of revenge - the negativity that was formed solely by the NPD or sociopath's actions becomes our only comfort and perceived "reason for existing." This negativity becomes an emotional malignancy that will eat us, alive, if we choose to allow it. To let go of those emotions means to risk, and we have taught by the NPD or sociopath that any risk means failure and disapproval. Thus, by gripping onto that negativity, we are actually relinquishing control over our own life's course to the NPD or sociopath. They are still winning.
The best and greatest revenge is for victims to evolve into Survivors and live happy, contented, and productive lives. "Happy" is a relative term and it doesn't mean the euphoric type of happiness - it's a calm, peaceful, joy of living that rises up to replace hatred and overall angst. "Contented" means recognizing that Life isn't fair and that no philosophy or religion states that it is - being content that we are alive and able to give as well as take without malice, without an agenda, and with a peaceful calm is what the former perpetrator would not wish for us, ever. "Productive" is not related to wealth, but more to success and giving back to our communities with love, appreciation, humility, and graciousness that comes with emotional maturity - Surviving the NPD or sociopath is the ultimate revenge because we, the former source targets, are free of control!
If our hatred, anger, rage, and desire for revenge has become an emotional barrier and we are consumed by these emotions every minute, every day, then it's time to reach out and engage with a professional counseling therapist that specializes in NPD survival, sociopathy, and abuse survival. There is no shame in getting professional assistance, nor does it mean that we're crazy, NOR does it mean that the NPD or sociopath has "won." They "win" only when we throw in the towel and give up on our Self. The counselor will have techniques and tools that will help us cope with trust issues, anger, rage, and resentment, and help us to place our own feet on our own healing paths, and teach us how to disallow interference by an NPD or sociopath. We will learn how to go "No Contact" without feeling badly about it, and to actually benefit from never speaking to, hearing from, or engaging with the former predator, again.
To locate a counseling therapist, call your local abuse hotline or mental health referral service and specify, very clearly, that you want a professional who is experienced in abuse survival, sociopathy, and NPD survival. They will put you into contact with the right person, and some services may even be available at no charge, depending upon your situation.
Visit: www.ndvh.org and www.lovefraud.com
Brightest blessings!
Bottom line is that we are what we are. Simply put, we are the sum total of our life's experiences and factored by the manner(s) in which we chose to manage those experiences and events, or not.
A "label" is something that we choose to accept by others - a "label" is how we are defined by someone other than our Self. When we define whom and what we are, we aren't "labeling." Rather, we are recognizing and acknowledging the events that have helped to shape our personalities, feelings, and perceptions, and our subsequent actions/reactions/responses to those events and experiences. Whether we care about a "label" or not is a personal choice. It's also a personal choice to ignore, avoid, and live in denial by giving our Self any excuse necessary to avoid healing the whole Self.
Healing, on any level, is painful and we never fully recover from physical or emotional injuries. Trauma of any type presents a reality that says, quite plainly, that we have been damaged, whether the damage was caused by a hiking accident or by emotional battery. So, we're damaged - why bother attempting to heal when any healing attempt can never, ever take back the damage that occurred? This is the uphill climb that requires courage and resolve - mind, body, and soul all must heal in unison to help all scars to heal over. Yes, those scars will be there, forever, and somtimes they'll be rubbed back open either by another physical injury or by emotional triggers - this is all part of the Human Condition.
Personally (quite personally), I have a long, long road ahead and I don't much care for the work that I'm going to have to do to get where I need to be. But, if I don't take a first step, I will forever be physically miserable, and physical misery can translate into emotional misery, and the soul finally gives in and gives up, as well. For me, I have to gird my loins and prepare for a Whole Self Battle.
Brightest blessings!
It is quite understandable to feel hatred and the need for revenge when you have been raped. This is why it may be important to have the criminal justice system involved, in order to prevent a rapist from committing the offence again. This may also help the rapist in the end, because, believe it or not, a rapist can be helped by therapy overcoming the flaw in his personality that causes him to be a rapist.
But revenge is not necessarily going to "cure" the PTSD of the victim. Contrary to popular opinion PTSD is not so much a "psychological illness", but rather a physiological illness with "psychological symptoms". It can often be treated without recourse to medication in many cases.
PTSD may be considered a disease that is marked by excess production of stress hormones - such as cortisol and adrenaline as a result of an inner biochemical abnormality. These hormones function to increase blood sugar supplies to the brain, very sensitive to glucose levels, on which it depends for chemical reactions to take place.
Thus if a person suffer from Hypoglycemia - a pe-diabtic condition marked by unstable blood sugar levels - a hypoglycemic dip will trigger the release of adrenaline from the adrenal glands in order to feed the brain with glucose for energy. Most people with PTSD prove positive to a special test for hypoglycemia - as distinct from from diabetes - and it is the uncontrolled flooding of adrenaline that is mainly responsible for PTSD, anxiety, insomnia, depression and many other mood disorders.
Of course, there may be other Silent Diseases that may play a role, but these need to be diagnosed by nutritional doctors. What PTSD sufferers need to do is adopting the Hypoglycemic diet as a first step in treatment. This may be followed up with a self-help course in Psychotherapy.
My personal view on this simple question is based upon over half a century of Life experiences with toxic individuals, as well as positive and emotionally healthy ones. I don't believe that a malignant narcissist is ever "happy" within themselves. "Happy" is a relative term with a continuum based upon endless things.
As an example, a person can be "happy" that they got a great deal on an automobile. They can also be "happy" when their prized roses bloom. They can also be "happy" when they purchase a 52-inch plasma screen television.
No, I don't believe that a malignant narcissist can be "happy" or content within their own hearts, simply because their behaviors clearly indicate an intent to harm others via manipulations, coercions, and outright lies. They're motivated by envy and they respond with anger and rage. I've seen plenty of these people pretend that they are centered, balanced, and content, but the "red flags" flap and wave in the breeze. These pretenders can be found in every walk of life and situation. From politics to spiritual advisors, it's important to recognize (and, accept) that we cannot "help" these people, nor do we have the power to "change" them into something more tolerable, and just go about our routines without giving them any bit of ourselves.
For more information on dealing with these people, visit:
www.familyarrested.com
www.180rule.com
There is a Universe of difference between "inner happiness" and malicious glee.
True personal happiness is fleeting and the inner calm is contentment - a balance on the Bell Curve of the Happiness Scale.
Malicious glee is the delight that toxic people experience when they wreak their havoc. It's not happiness, by any stretch of the imagination, because it is borne of ill-will and malice.
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