Re: Setting boundries.

I am so sorry that I missed this post. 

When you engaged in counseling, was there any assessment or diagnosis rendered?  What makes you believe that your wife is Borderline?  How are your children coping with her behaviors?  What are the Borderline behaviors that you are observing?  I ask these questions because they are relavent to Borderline Personality Disorder, in general.  A person doesn't necessarily have to be Borderline to interfere with friendships or create subterfuge.  There are many, many personality disorders that can be attributed to behavioral symptoms that often overlap.  Does your wife threaten suicide as a means of control? 

Your boundaries will be things that you determine to lay a foundation for, and to keep strict control over, regardless of what anyone says or does.  Adjustments and maintenance of those boundaries will have to be diligent.  I would strongly recommend determining what boundaries you feel need to be set and working on those issue, personally, with an individual counselor (perhaps) and possibly have your children involved in counseling, as well - THAT is a very difficult step to take because choosing the "right" counselor for your children will be a long process - anyone can earn a LCSW with hard work and diligence, but to be a GOOD counselor requires maturity, compassion, intuition and insight, and focus upon clients. 

We do not have the power to control, "fix," or cure ANY situation on our own - not by wishful thinking, false hope, or any other means.  The only thing over which we have control is our own Self.  Learning how to control one's Self and respond rather than react takes time, patience, and hard work on our own parts.  You cannot stop your wife's behaviors.  You can manage how you respond to them, but be advised that each time that you "manage" your responses, she is going to work on finding new and more creative ways to do whatever it is that she does to control everyone else's behaviors and reactions.  You have the ability to manage your responses, but you do not have the ability to help your wife, in any way.  Period.

Please, visit the following sites for more information on Borderline and other personality disorders:

www.familyarrested.com

www.180rule.com

Best wishes and brightest blessings to you and your children