Re: Cure Yourself

Onzy, I am so sorry to read most of your post - I didn't read the entire post because of length, but I got the gist.

I disagree with WhiteShark's approach mainly because recovery and healing from a dysfunctional and traumatic childhood is a complete mind-body-spirit endeavor.  The mind is where the bulk of the issues arise because that was what suffered during your most impressionable years.  Was your mother ever diagnosed as Borderline?  If so, I am so, so sorry for you, and for the rest of your family - it is a dreadful disorder that can be cruel and warp the minds of their offspring. 

Having typed that, there are a number of things that you can do to help yourself.  First option is to seek counseling (yes, I typed it:  counseling) from a licensed practioner (psychologist, NOT psychiatrist) that specializes in childhood trauma. child abuse, and trauma recovery.  You can get a list of these practitioners from your local mental health hotline.  Most work on sliding scales if you do not have insurance coverage.  And, I will say this from personal experience:  a good counseling therapist is worth every penny spent.  This is not to say that all counselors are "good," and a "good" therapist will ask hard questions and answer your questions with insight and knowledge.  They will also provide tools and techniques to manage depression and anxiety, and help their clients release the shame-core that was forced upon them when they were children.  If you are not feeling any forward progress, move on to another practitioner, and keep doing so until you find one that is "good.'  Shame is a terrible, terrible burden, and no supplement, protocol, or wishful thinking is going to exorcise SHAME from a person's psyche.  There are things that need to be addressed and processed. 

Then, healing the body can be more gentle and forgiving, rather than the typcial "All-Or-Nothing" approach that most adults who were raised in a traumatic environment practice.  There won't be the "...if I don't succeed at this in the first ten minutes, I'm a failure and I'm not going to bother trying..." perception.  Free your mind, and your ass will follow.

Finally, the spiritual aspect will begin to heal as your journey progresses.  This doesn't mean that you're going to wake up, one day, and have a spiritual epiphany and everything will be perfect - though, it could happen!   This also doesn't mean that you're obligated to adopt a "Religion."  What "spiritual" healing is comes down to sorting out your own Self to be open to give and receive positive energy, agape love, and feeling centered and balanced. 

But, whatever choices you make about your own recovery and healing, take heart in the knowledge that FEAR and SHAME are not who you are.  The fear and shame are the results of being abused and/or traumatized by someone that you had to rely upon to see to your needs.  What's a child who's being terrorized or ridiculed or physically abused going to do?  Children do not have the power, control, or maturity to advocate for themselves, and you are NOT responsible for whatever was done to you.  You are worthy and deserving of living a balanced and cenetered life.  You are.  You do not have to define yourself by someone else's issues.  You can choose to be whom you are without feeling fearful, anxious, or shameful. 

A book that might help you would be, "Healing The Shame That Binds You," by Bradshaw.  You mentioned that your mother isn't an alcoholic, or anything, but Borderline Personality Disorder is insidious.  You are not responsible for HER issues.  This book will help lead you to that place of acceptance and self-confidence so that you can recover and heal yourself.

The final caveat is that recovery and healing are not easy, simple, or painless.  It requires a comittment to your own well-being, to truth, and to honesty with yourself and your counselor.  Other people don't need to be involved in your recovery and healing processes.  But, once you take your first step upon your own individual healing path, things will change for you on every level.  Mind, body, and spirit. 

Brightest blessings to you..........