Can a BPD mother change the trajectory of my life? Depressed, unemployed and a total failure.

In my 35 years of life, this is the first time I am ever expressing my feelings. I have never spoken about my chronic sadness, fear and depression to anyone ever. ( please forgive my shabby grammar and disconnected thoughts. This is the best I could come up with in depression). My chronic anxiety, sadness and depression has progressed with time, and I am at the lowest point now.  Growing up with a difficult parent, my fear and anxiety started when I was about 5 yrs old, and subsequent mounting disappointments and failures in life as life progressed, led me to the ‘dead inside’ stage for the past 3-4 years, and I have had passive suicide ideation since the past 1 year. My mother started ranging at me specifically and exclusively (as opposed to my siblings) around the time I turned 13.  I have been single all my life, I have no friends who would care to listen to me talk about depression, and I am not close to any member of my family. I have never seen a therapist or a psychiatrist for my depression (For several reasons, they are unaffordable, insurance didn’t cover them, some seemed more interested in money than solving my problem, or didn’t know enough). Expect for one doctor I met recently who gave me the “breaking news” that he diagnosed me with severe depression. So you can perhaps imagine the effect of over 30 years of bottling up my feelings.

I was never sure, but years of analyzing and researching on the internet (in lieu of a therapist or friend of course) lead me to a sad but not totally surprising conclusion that a major root of my problem is a lack of attachment to my angry controlling mother, and all the myriads of fears she has instilled in me. As luck would have it, I chanced upon these books and articles on emotionally abusive mothers and practically ‘everything’ mentioned on these forums is true for my situation. I don’t want to go into details of how she treated me as it gives me PTSD, but in short, I still fear her at the age of 35, even though I don’t live with her anymore. Not to mention that these feeling are complicated by the fact that my mother does have many redeeming qualities; I know the world outside is cruel, and if I am ever in need of money or am sick, no one will take care of me like my mother would. I feel guilty that my mother has given me excellent education and  made sure that I did not lack any material comfort, and yet I am a complete failure in life.  This makes me feel awfully guilty of complaining (in public like this) about my mother who does have a kind side to her. But that kindness will come with a price - her emotional abuse of me that will push me further into depression and may be perhaps make me kill myself one day. I share almost all the cruel mother-daughter experience of most women here.

But my mother is not an alcoholic and has very loving parents and siblings. She wasn’t too happy in her married life mostly due to her own fault, but has a very good (if not perfect) husband (my father), plus love from her other children (my siblings), then in absence of any extenuating factors in her life (except the fact that she could not have a good career), I find it difficult to understand why she treated me so badly.  It was painful to watch her rage at my father and publicly humiliate him, and also in front of us children all her life. She would shame him in front of the kids almost every other day.  In fact he is as helpless as I am but has turned into a ‘Stockholm syndrome’ mode. Why did she isolate me from my father and my other 2 siblings? Even if she had some internal issue that I am unaware of that she was struggling with, how could she manage to love my siblings but not me? Why did she choose them over me?

I have struggled with failure in all aspects of my life (friends, career, social life, love), but I feel guilty of blaming my mother for all my failures. A lot of people have been cruel to me, the world outside is selfish and full of sharks and bullies: how can I blame my mother for it? But then, I came across this article which confuses me as much as it makes things clearer for me- Please do read this scientific research article “Sticks and Stones and Broken Bones: The Influence of Parental Verbal Abuse on Peer Related Victimization by Lisa Hutchinson University of Arkansas at Little Rock And  David Mueller Boise State University”. I left my home the first chance I got, to escape the extreme verbal abuse and beatings of my mother. I thought taking a job in another city would be the immediate solution to her relentless shaming of me. Moreover, for the first time in my life I was excited about having a ‘life’. ‘My life’ and thinking about ‘myself’, what I want’, rather than obsessively thinking about how to protect myself from my mother’s anger and humiliation. But I was so wrong, as the world outside wasn’t  kind to me either.   I have been bullied by both boys and girls in every school I have been to. I was made to quit ‘every’ job I have had due to workplace harassment. This has had such detrimental consequences that I have no career now. I have been forced to take jobs that are much lower than my caliber (which too I have been pushed out of), to the stage that I am without a job now…and too fearful to take up another job anymore, as I have no reason to believe that things will be any different in a new work place.

I have had no luck on the personal or social front either. All my adult working life has been spent being humiliated at work during the day, and coming home and forcing myself to log onto match.com and hoping that someone out there will ‘like’ me today. I have been on every match-making site other there, and been to every speed- dating event that existed. No one seems to want to get to know me. And believe me, in the past I have been cheerful and funny and optimistic, yet, had no luck in dating or relationships. It is especially hard for me to rationalize this, as some acquaintances and strangers on the train (both men and women) have told me that I am beautiful and attractive, have lovely hair, lovely skin, sharp features, have a lovely smile etc. I maintain a healthy life style and am the right weight for my age and height. I have read lots of articles out there which give numerous examples of real-life women, even women who look good and have self-esteem, but are unable to find love.  Loneliness due to being single, is enough to drive even ‘normal’ women who have had a normal childhood and loving mothers, into depression. I have had just one person who loved me in my life, and I blew that relationship away due to my extreme insecurity (fostered in my head my mother who believes that men should never be trusted). The extreme regret caused by that still haunts and is that regret is so overwhelming, specially now in retrospect when I see that, truly no one exists out there who loves me, and he was the one that got away. My dating life has been ruined by insecurity, jealousy and neediness. I have had no sex life ever, by the way. I have had a very low libido due constantly living with a feeling of shame and fear. While I was at home apart from my mother’s anger, I have a very strict Christian upbringing, where boyfriends were not allowed. As a grown up, I have had a very low libido due to constant shaming by my bosses and colleagues and a perpetual fear of losing my job. And recently I learned that I have vaginismus, mostly due to psychological reasons.

Friends stop calling as they start getting married or find significant others. In fact friends, for who I was a pillar of support through their divorces and financial hardships, and friends whose weddings I planned, also don’t even care to wish me on my birthday…even on facebook.   Is it my fault that I have no friends?    All my time at work was spent in fear of scary bosses and cruel colleagues who humiliated me, spread rumors about me at work, and completely isolated me at social gatherings, blatantly took credit for my work, manipulated my bosses into give me a demotion when I should have been promoted. And all my time at home was spent on the internet, trying to find help, trying to make friends, researching on workplace bullying, lurking on depression forums or reading up on loneliness in women who are over 35 and still single, how to come to terms with a fact if you want to have children but can not, how to plan for a single life etc. God knows that I have tried my best to stay strong and help myself  through my travails, reading self-help books, going out, joining hobby classes, but bearing all this all alone has finally broken my back . I am lonely and feel abandoned and unloved. Even at 35 I feel like a child who needs to be urgently protected and hugged, but still when my mother calls she affirms every fear I have. Mother calls and blames everything on me. She tells me no one will love me because of my attitude. She tells me I don’t deserve to have any friends. She tells me that I will get kicked out of every job because I am rude to others just like I have been rude to her. These are all baseless accusations but my mind is too dulled by depression to even try to justify anything to her on the phone. She tells me that she is certain that I will end up a single old woman living alone in my apartment. She says everyone who is married is having a wonderful life and they will abandon me and shut me out of their life. And even at this age if I do manage to find anyone, my kids will most likely have down syndrome as I am too old to have kids now anyway. Her words hurt, as part of what she says is true.  But, what horrible things to say to someone who is already broken.  All that being said, my mother is the best homemaker, an excellent cook and the most generous n giving person to most other people around! She calls me often to ask if I am doing well, of if I need money. She recently transferred a very large sum of money in my bank account. This ambivalence is not just confusing, but heartbreaking.

I have no idea what I wanted to be as a kid, or what my dreams are. Professionally, I have no ambition and no passion. I guess the only 2 things I have always been chasing all my life is ‘love’ and ‘validation’. They are the reason for each and everything that I have done in my life so far. Even if someone magically agrees to pay for my tuition or gives me a job, I would not know what job would that be, or what course would I like to study. I have always been told what to do, at home and at the mediocre jobs that I have had. I feel I have had no time to ‘think’ and ‘dream’ about the ‘bigger picture’ of life, as the basic need of life-i.e. love, was not met. My entire life has been spent in a ‘putting out fire mode’, where I was covering down protecting myself form attacks of all kinds. Though I do feel that I am an intelligent person, and if given a fare chance I can prove it to the world.

Despite the fact that most of you may have had a mother with a personality disorder, I have great trouble identifying with anyone on this forum. My life has come to a screeching halt; at 35, I am jobless, with no friends, no husband, am suffering from severe depression and suicidal tendencies. Whereas daughters of unloving mothers who post here all seem to have jobs, some even have a PhD and are writing these great books, and almost all are married or have a significant other. I find it hard to believe that despite having an unloving mother, you had the privilege of dating, finding the man who loved you, and getting married. And some of you even have daughters of your own who love you. To me all of that seem like a very distant dream. Almost like walking on mars someday.  How can someone who is struggling with attachment issues, manage to find love? Every guy I have I see many husbands posting here on behalf of their wives, that is so sweet, but looks like that can never happen to me in a million years.

I am sorry I don’t mean to spam, but I am posting this everywhere possible as I am in need of help. I have been out of a job for 3 years and now my funds are running out. ? I am asking for help as for the past 6 months, I have been better due to some meditation and exercise, and no longer have suicide ideation, though the feeling of emptiness prevails. But thankfully there are these small ‘windows’ of time, when I feel OK and a modicum of motivation to ‘do’ something to improve my situation. Can someone please suggest if it’s possible, at this stage and age to learn new skill, to get a job again, when I have spent most of my last 3 years sleeping? Should I even get a job or should I heal completely first? Should I go back into my old job profile while I still have PTSD about vile colleagues and workplace bullying? Or should I try and find what I like, and change my career, may be go to school again? What is the guarantee that people wont bully me in a new job profile? Is it ok to take up an entry level job at this age? Should I attempt dating when I know that I am insecure n needy? Should I indulge in casual sexual relationships with random people since I am getting older and never had sex before, and mr right is nowhere in sight? Should I freeze my eggs just in case I do find someone to love and have a child with him later in life? Can someone please email me some kind words and suggestions? Or names and phone numbers of e therapists who are free and especially trained to treat women in depression due to the above reason. I am tired of looking for help and doing all this alone. I feel like a helpless child, please be with me.  Thanks a million