Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals

Excellent post.

I am a practicing psychotherapist married to a woman who (as much as my profession resists labels) fits into the definition of a 'borderline'. To be borderline and to survive requires the development and maintenance of a number of psyhological defences. Because the borderline is 'enmeshed', these defences become stronger than normally experienced in other individuals. In fact, as it is the construction of the defences that defines the presenting condition, it may be that the borderline also displays characteristics of other personality disorders (particularly of the dramatic cluster such as Narcissistic personality disorder). What it generally means for the partner of the BPD, is a confusion of diagnosis, as diagnosis brings with it the security of definition, and for the partner, a sense that 'it isn't my fault'. Personally, it is enough to know that if you, at a very basic level (i.e yourself in an environment away from the person) feel anchored and secure, but feel great strain at either the anticipation of, or direct experience of the person with BPD, that is enough to be greatly concerned. And that it is not you (whatever the BPD says!).

All the problems with this disorder involves managing the heightened defence structures of the other. With BPD, denial and projection are particularly strongly developed. Sadly, a strongly constructed denial defence means that the individual has enormous difficulty accepting their behaviour and attitudes, which is why few BPDs will face up to therapy. The pain is simply to great to conceive; an unknown pandora's box of agony. The terrible internal conflicts are projected onto individuals who are in an attachment relationship with the BPD. This 'attachment' element is important, because it explains why people with BPD can behave normally in work or social situations. The BPD needs the attachment, or has to face the pain alone. Hence the fear of rejection, the need for attention, and the harming self-relationship (cutting, drugs etc.). The point here is that the non-bpd is part of the dynamic, and despite the BPD's efforts to reduce the esteem of the other (projection) needs to be aware of their powerful position in the relationship.

Questions for the non-bpd then are what is it about the non-bpd to be firstly, drawn into the relationship (the attraction) and secondly, stay in the relationship (the 'gain'). These are exremely good self-development issues for self-reflection and/or therapy, because they help persnal decision making and assist in the development of the non-bpd's coping strategies. It is also important,I believe to be aware of the cyclical nature of the mood states of the BPD, and an awareness of one's own denial that, in good times there is a sense that the bad may not happen again. And, of course it will, and do you wish to life your life in an emotional rollercoaster driven by another. An excellent aid to this is to write down your feelings and aspirations. What does your heart and imagination tell you? If these are different to how you are living then an authentic choice is necessary, and of course it takes enormous courage to leave; to rediscover yourself. If however, there is an attraction to the drama, and let's please be aware that to be in states of drama is a lifestyle of it's own (even healthy relationships have light doses of conflict), then the non-bpd needs to learn how to manage personal boundaries, and develop coping and management strategies (such as staying at a friend's house, until things have cooled off, practice emotional distancing etc.).

In my relationship, I have aimed for management within the relationship. Generally, it works well except when times are bad it is simply exhausting, and the exhaustion creeps into the other aspects of my life.It is an extremly high personal price to pay, and a lonely existence at times.

But I now have to say that I feel time slipping away and with it opportunities for a real relationship founded on 'togetherness' and real intimacy, and it is this that is now leading me to some very serious decisions.

I have to count the cost of this realtionship. The ebbing away of money, my loss of feelings of sexual desire, loss of friends, her attempts to distance my family from me, and then I think to myself. I don't have to have this crap, and I can be happy and be happy with someone else. And that is the best I can be in my life.

It is for the BPD to self-accept, listen to the non-bpd, learn their patterns and overcome denial though therapy, because every attempt by someone in a relationship with them who is more secure than them and who placates, takes the insults etc., is reinforcement that they may continue as they are. And then nobody is happy.



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