BPD and children 
Digibitz
13 y
4,317
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My BPD wife and I were angry with our sister in law , a nurse, when she told us we were crazy to contemplate having a child.
How could she be so cruel to even think such a thing ? We wanted a child so much and my wife was such an 'exception' to the 'typical' BPD.
My wife was a very intelligent person with a degree in physiotherapy and had an unusual insight into her illness.
She had also (finally!) found a psychiatrist who was an expert with BPD.
Despite her many struggles , she was a wonderful mother to our son... until he was ten years old , when she suicided.
Suicide is the worst kind of child abuse.
My sister in law was right.
The intent is irrelevant.
The end result is a child abandoned by his mother.
That's the real life fact.
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- Re: BPD and children BlueRose
13 y
4,144
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This is a reply to # 1,781,417I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Please consider taking a look at the following link:
http://www.road2healing.com/index.html?gclid=CN2K79KEwacCFQY65QodNBW1BA
Best wishes to you and your son as you both heal. - Re: BPD and children #68716
13 y
3,809
This is a reply to # 1,781,417I am so sorry for your loss and for the incredible aftermath that you and your son are suffering.
By saying, "BPD," I'm going to assume that you mean Bi Polar Disorder, rather than, Borderline Personality Disorder. If I'm wrong, I apologize for the assumption. Bi Polar can be successfully treated using a number of techniques and options. Borderline, on the other hand, has no known successful treatments. If you are, indeed, talking about Bi Polar, please try to accept that Bi Polar individuals don't ask for such a devastating illness - they know that "something is wrong," because they can clearly see the effects that their cycles have upon friends and family. A greater percentage of "hopeless" alcoholics and substance addicts are eventually diagnosed as Bi Polar. In the last 2 years of her life, my mother was diagnosed Bi Polar and this explained a great deal about her manic / depressed cycles. She attempted suicide when I was 3, and I finally understood why she felt so desperate as to attempt to end her life.
Blue Rose posted a helpful link, and I will gently suggest that you consider a support group for suicide survivors, as well as counseling for your son. This will help you to realize that you're not alone and that others are experiencing similar grief. It will also help you to cope with your normal feelings of anger, betrayal, and everything else that goes along with surviving a loved one's suicide. And, it will also help you come to terms with the desperation that your wife was feeling during her life. She did not INTEND to abuse, but her cycles may have been so harmful that she seemed abusive.
Suicide is a devastating decision, to be sure. It leaves the rest of us in doubt, angry, and wounded to the soul. Again, I suggest that you help your Self and your surviving son by getting involved in some "good medicine" in the form of support groups and counseling.
If, on the other hand, you are talking about Borderline Personality Disorder, that's a completely different discussion. The grief is the same, but the dynamics are completely different.
Brightest blessings to you and your son and may you both find healing and peace.
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- Re: BPD and children Digibitz
13 y
3,658
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This is a reply to # 1,781,445"By saying, "BPD," I'm going to assume that you mean Bi Polar Disorder, rather than, Borderline Personality Disorder. If I'm wrong, I apologize for the assumption."
Actually it was Borderline Personality Disorder. I have never seen Bipolar Disorder referred to as BPD.
"Borderline, on the other hand, has no known successful treatments."
If you mean by 'treatments' , medication, then no, lithium (as used for Bipolar) won't help, although antidepressants can be helpful. Some BPDs just seem to get better after 40 , but mostly , it's something that can never be cured.
"Blue Rose posted a helpful link, and I will gently suggest that you consider a support group for suicide survivors, as well as counseling for your son"
Thankyou, sincerely, for your concern. We both went through individual councelling for months.
"She did not INTEND to abuse, but her cycles may have been so harmful that she seemed abusive."
Of course, Borderlines , unlike Bipolars ARE abusive.
But as I posted : the intent is irrelevant.
Borderlines seem to think that people can 'see' into into their heads and understand their motives and distorted reality. Truth is , it can never happen. And, from my actual experience, after they suicide, nobody sees or thinks about their 'pain' or supposed 'causes'. All they think of is someone who had an illness and how sad that illness is , just like someone with cancer.
They also see the only victims as being the ones left behind.
That's a fact. So think about it.
There is no victory in suicide.
They are never understood, just pitied.
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- Re: BPD and children #68716
13 y
3,915
This is a reply to # 1,782,603I apologize for my assumptions. I have no idea how long ago this wretched event took place, but your original post and subsequent response suggests that you are stll very raw - understandably so, and I'm not judging. For any counselor/therapist to suggest that a BPD individual is an exception is the height of arogance. No, they are not unless they possess a courage greater than can be measured, and suh courage would prevent them from taking such a rash action. Antidepresants are, IMHO, the worst thing to prescribe for a borderline - it only ruins any remnant of emotional empathy that they may have possessed and provides a very handy excuse for their choices. I was married to one and produced a child with him who was formally diagnosed BPD and has digressed into a full-blown sociopath.
Your survival, and that of your son's, is of the highest priority, now. I will gently suggest that the treating counselor/therapist may not have been realistic in their treatment approach. I would also genty reiterate that it may be advisable to consider engaging in individual / family counseling to help you to sort out your grief and that of your son's. Anger, indignation, blame, and a host of other "negative" emotions are normal to experience when someone we care for suicides, but they can also become an unhealthy focus if we become stagnant in processing them.
My best wishes to you and your son.- Re: BPD and children Digibitz
13 y
3,512
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This is a reply to # 1,782,630"I have no idea how long ago this wretched event took place, but your original post and subsequent response suggests that you are stll very raw - understandably so, and I'm not judging."
Actually, it was 2 years , 3 months and 14 days ago.
Probably more 'raw' at the moment because our wedding anniversary was on the 11th/March and my son's 13th birthday was on the 3rd/March....those dates are no longer happy events, just reminders to both of us of who is missing.
Fact : My wife was an 'exception' , because, amongst other things , she had successfully completed a university degree ( let's be honest, most BPDs don't last at anything...) and she had been in a relationship for 17 years...(also an amazing record for a BPD). She also had stable employment. ( Again , be honest, if you really know a BPD ...you'll know that that is abnormal)
However, that didn't stop her from completely failing to see her 'problems' (when they occurred) as being a direct result of her own illness and distorted view of reality.
"I would also genty reiterate that it may be advisable to consider engaging in individual / family counseling to help you to sort out your grief and that of your son's. Anger, indignation, blame, and a host of other "negative" emotions are normal to experience when someone we care for suicides, but they can also become an unhealthy focus if we become stagnant in processing them."
Let's leave the 'blame' tag to BPDs . That's what they do the most : blame others. In fact , it's their favorite topic. They blame everyone for their 'pain' , because, as is well documented, they really have no idea where it comes from and just pin it on those closest to them.... parents, siblings , friends, partners, anyone they have had a close relationship with. My wife had someone to blame in all of the above categories.
Interesting fact : Before my wife's death , she was accusing some younger members of staff at her medical clinic of bullying her. This was possibly true, as she had been fine with absolutely no sign of any problems for the 5 years that she had been working there. ( in fact, I have no doubt that that was what 'triggerd' her BPD again) .But they were completely vindicated by the coroner, because , after all, her extreme reaction and suicide proved that it was all her fault because she was known to have a mental illness.
BPD's ! Listen !
There is no victory in suicide.
You lose, and the ones who hurt you win.
All you do by killing yourself is hurt the ones who love and support you.
Pay attention, this is all true from REAL experience,
not from someone's imagination of how things should be.- Re: BPD and children Digibitz 13 y 3,852
- Help yourself and your son #68716
13 y
3,747
This is a reply to # 1,785,379Again, I'm terribly sorry that you, or anyone else, suffers this type of experience. It is not a crime, nor is it abnormal, for a person to be angry and at their wits end after someone that they care about suicides. Too many questions remain unanswered and the "blame" for the event runs a full circuit, sometimes for years, until the survivor(s) manage to sort out fact from fiction and develop a fact-based analytical eye while maintaining their empathy.
I feel that it is dangerous for anyone to generalize (particularly a practicing psychologist), especially concerning behavioral disorders - though each person is individual, certain behavioral choices are pervasive in recognized diagnoses. There are countless successful borderlines that earned laudible degrees and Ph.D's by hook or crook. Many corporate CEO's not only fit the borderline profile, but sociopathy, as well. There are no "triggers" for borderline behaviors - it is a constant cycle.
It is also dangerous to assume that borderlines do not remain in long-termed relationships. If they play their cards right, they can string along their partners to the ends of their days.
If you have time, you may want to visit http://www.lovefraud.com.
There is a wealth of information by laypeople and practitioners that you may find useful in your healing process, and that of your son's. It was not my intention to ridicule or judge by saying that your posts demonstrated that you were still "raw." It was merely an observation and you are ALLOWED to feel raw - anyone whose loved one has chosen to end their own life would. The point of the observation is that, regardless of the anniversary, this may be carrying over into your interactions with your son who does not have the benefit of experience or maturity to process the deeply personal loss that he has experienced.
Brightest blessings to you on your healing path, and most sincere best wishes for your son's healing.- Re: Help yourself and your son Digibitz
13 y
3,388
This is a reply to # 1,785,894Hi , took a long time to reply...sorry.
I'm really sorry for your experiences, however, I , and I dare say , most other men who have been involved with a BPD woman who has suicided could not possibly identify with the link you posted!! Way off target!
- Re: Help yourself and your son Digibitz
12 y
3,204
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This is a reply to # 1,785,894Actually, I need to be more specific in my reply.
Your comments are incorrect and dangerous.
FACTS :
* BPD is episodic and can be 'triggered' by traumatic events.
* BPD women are normally under achievers as they always run into trouble, through their inability to handle their emotions with teachers, organisations, fellow workers, doctors, partners etc. and cannot focus on study or advancement. They are constantly thwarted by their own intolerance of those around them and their frequent tantrums which destroy their chances of advancement.
You obviously have no idea of BPD in women and should not comment in your ignorance.
- Re: Help yourself and your son Digibitz
13 y
3,388
- Re: BPD and children winterbloom
12 y
3,117
This is a reply to # 1,785,379D, sounds like your wife was a high functioning BPD. So is my mother. She too has a master's degree and does just fine in her professional life. BPDs can be intelligent. If they are high functioning they can also be outwardly successful. But ALL BPDs are self-centered to a pathological degree. They demand to be treated like babies in their personal life, demand to be the center of attention, blame other for their mistakes, they are incapable of personal responsability. Even if they know better than to behave so immaturely in public, they will do so in their personal life. It has to come out somewhere. This is who they are and they can't keep the facade up (the normalcy facade) for long. The high functioning types are the Jeykl and Hide types. Exhibiting one persona at home and another at work. They are smart enough to know behaving like a spoiled toddler is something to hide. It comes out behind closed doors at home. If they aren't treated with kid gloves, if their expectations are not met (and they have huge expectations similiar to a babies) then they act out like a toddler in the terrible twos. They rage, tantrum, blame, project. Abuse others or turn all that selfishness inwards and attempt to destroy themselves. Afterall, if they can't get what they want, they have to destroy it all. Just like a toddler having a fit. Only they are toddlers in an adults body with an adults intelligence and an adult's privelidges. They can do great harm to others and to themselves. BPDs do not get better. They always remain selfish to this degree. Their relationships only get worse and worse over time due to this. I wanted my mother to get better, I wanted her to see that she was abusing us and to stop it, but she will never change. Nothing is her fault. We "made" her abuse us. BPDs are always right (in their mind), always the victim (when in truth they are the abusers). BPDs are like abusers of every stripe: acting childish, reckless, blaming others, never take personal responsability, never feel remorse (only self-pity), abuse others, but insist they are the victims. Your wife was not the BPD exception. She was simply a high functioning BPD. High functioning refers only to their status in life (career, outward appearances). Their personal life would still be just as fraught with hell due to their selfish pathology.
- Re: BPD and children Finally Freeee
10 y
2,310
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- Re: BPD and children Digibitz
13 y
3,512
- Re: BPD and children #68716
13 y
3,915
- Re: BPD and children Finally Freeee
10 y
1,712
This is a reply to # 1,781,445SoulSurvivor, thought it may be helpful to say here that, BPD is always the proper abbreviation used for Borderline Personality Disorder as NPD is Narcissistic.
Sincere apologies, if that is not the case in this case.
You very kindly replied to my first post some time ago, and I think you also assumed there, that when I'd wrote BPD, I meant Bipolar disorder.
My husband had Borderline Personality Disorder - BPD. Although, I do appreciate that often when a person suffering any of the personality disorders, there can be overlapping disorders and traits involved, including Bipolar disorder etc.
Hope this is useful and doesn't cause you any offence. My intentions for posting are purely and simply to help.
Best wishes to you and to all here.
- Re: BPD and children Digibitz
13 y
3,658
- Re: BPD and children winterbloom
12 y
3,041
This is a reply to # 1,781,417It doesn't matter how intelligent a BPD is--they will still make bad parents because of the simple fact that they will always put THEMSELVES first before any child's needs. That is the heart of their personality..putting their own needs, emotions, dramas first. They are very selfish at core, despite having bouts of seemingly "caring" about others. When they are in a good mood, all is well, but when they are in a bad mood all is hell. The family will have to live by the dictates of the BPDs moods, ego, desires. Nothing else matters, not reality, not their own children's wellfare. These people are very self centered. We kid ourselves about how deeply selfish these people can be because they are our family and we don't want to believe it. Your wife was not thinking of you child when she killed herself. She was intensley focused on herself. In an obsessive, sick way. Even when she wanted a child, it wasn't out of a desire to care for and be responsable for a vulnerable being. No, it was more likely the idea of a child satisfied some longing she had for HERSELF. She wanted someone to adore her, her peers were having children and she wanted to keep up with them, or she wanted to cement a relationship by having a child. Maybe she just wanted to see herself in the image of a "mother." It's always about themselves, their image, their emotions, their needs. It's hard to accept that about our loved one, but this is the fact of BPD. It's the defining trait. They may appear loving but it is an appearance. It's fleeting. They can keep up appearances only so long before they revert back to their nature. A sickening self-centeredness. Luckily, your child has you. You are capable of putting your child's needs ahead of your own. Your sister (in law) knew your wife better than you did. You probably had the rose colored glasses on, were in love, and did your fair share of projecting onto your wife. You thought she would be a loving mom. I've never heard of a BPD that could be so. You were projecting your own qualitites onto her. YOU can love and care for your child.
- Re: BPD and children Sezanloo
10 y
2,066
This is a reply to # 1,937,775I have just found this thread and realise its old, I hope that the OP has found some happiness for himself and his son.
As a victim of physical abuse from my BPD ex boyfriend I found the comments so helpful and reassuring that I the conclusions I had come to were correct.
Thanks for the posts.
- Re: BPD and children Sezanloo
10 y
2,066
- Re: BPD and children BlueRose
13 y
4,144
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