Re: Reply to Soulfulsurvivor: can't move on after bpd breakup

Valueachild, "happy" is not how I describe myself, in general terms.  "Happy" is a short-termed response to something pleasant, like seeing a chidl laugh in true mirth.  I am content.  I am centered.  I am feeling balanced more so than I have ever felt during my entire lifetime.  I will never, ever remarry.  I am perfectly okay on my own.  Are there times when I would like a partner?  Sure, there are - someone to "share" my moments with, but it's not an immediate feeling, nor is it a personal mandate.  My life is MINE, at long last, and I am not really interested in negotiating with someone else over what movie to watch or what foods to eat. 

Four years and 3 days ago, I discovered that the second man that I married had not been what he had presented for our entire relationship and that he had been living a double life for over 14 years.  The truth of what he was happened to be beyond my realm of comprehension, and I spiraled down into an extreme state of depression, anxiety, and shame.  It took me nearly 3 years of intensive trauma counseling with a certified and licensed trauma specialist (NOT, not, NOT a "life coach") to get to a point where I was able to practice techniques and use emotional tools to my advantage and to move forward with my life, reclaiming my Self (soul), and living FOR my Self (soul), at long last.

It may be advantageous to ask yourself why there is this intense and immediate requirement to fill the space with another partner.  Abaondonment issues can be resolved, but it takes TIME and trust in the Self, rather than in someone else to do the "rescuing."   Those of us who have abandonment issues typically cling to others and devlop detailed fantasies about how the "new" person is going to be so much better than the previous abuser and actively seek to fill the perceived "void" that the charismatic abuser left.  Unless and until the issues are resolved and the challenging emotional work is done, we typically find ourselves strapped with another abuser - this is statistical fact, not observation or opinion.  And, each new abuser is worse than the one before because our self-esteem and self-confidence has become SO eroded that we actually believe that we deserve nothing better.

Recovery and healing from such a situation is painful only because a burned hand learns what "hot" truly means.  This time in recovery may be challenging, but it takes the passage of time to "get over" what a charismatic abuser does to us.  When we are finally separated from them, everything has been dismantled - sexuality, finances, spirituality, self-beliefs, emotions, and our physical health.  It takes TIME to recover.  That's all.  No, I didn't ***like*** this fact, at all.  I wanted to be CURED and ready to roll the day I entered into therapy.  But, it doesn't work that way.

Here are a couple of sites that you may find helpful in your journey of recovery:

www.familyarrested.com

www.180rule.com

You wrote, "I don't feel that I can fall in love again or find someone who was so attentive and loving like he was!"  Try falling "in love" with yourself, now.  Give your Self all of the attention that you would want to give someone else.  You are worthy and deserving of everything GOOD in this lifetime, even when Life's challenges slow us down.

"Healing The Shame That Binds You," by John Bradshaw will unlock a LOT of childhood trauma so that you can seriously begin the task of recovering.  Healing comes later.  Take your time, care about your Self, first, and leave "fall in love, again" out of the vocabulary for a while until you can replace it with, "I can choose whom I will love, now."

Brightest blessings to you