Leaving BPD wife after 8 years 
ham-cereal
8 y
1,953
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So I'm leaving my BPD wife, we've been married for almost 4 years, together for 8. We have three children together, 5, 3, and 4 months old.
As a lot of you may have experienced, your SO with BPD might go through cycles of mood changes and their frequency and intensity will fluctuate depending on the person. Well my wife had been stuck in a cycle for a while, and I'd grown too accustomed to just keeping my mouth shut and not objecting to things I would normally, so as to not escalate an unnecessary blow up. So my wife lets our 3 year old do whatever she wants, including disrespect me, walk all over me, not listen to me, etc... And should I make any attempt to discipline, I'm accused of being the provoker, the instigator, the one giving my daughter a "good reason" for misbehaving.
I do not sit well with baseless accusations, and have put up with them enough, so after years of enduring shit, thinking things will get better, after her having cheated on me 2 years into our marriage (and was trying to tell me to get over it days after it happened), I am finished. I've tried to get hey in therapy, she tried it briefly after she cheated on me, but gave up because she thought she didn't need it anymore.
She's now trying to dissuade me from leaving, saying that I didn't give our problems enough effort, and that we need to go see couples counseling. That might have been a good idea if the problems weren't rooted in herself.
If you're reading this and are victim to bullying and disrespect from your BPD SO, REACH OUT, SPEAK UP, GATHER SUPPORT, IT WILL FEEL GREAT. Your family and friends probably know you better than your BPD SO and can probably give you a clear idea of how toxic your relationship is. I'm only realizing now because I wanted to prove the people who said we were doomed wrong. I had a lot of hope and patience, but hope and patience won't do anything unless your BPD acknowledges and is willing to get help.
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- Re: Leaving BPD wife after 8 years #68716
8 y
1,368
This is a reply to # 2,322,740
Ham-cereal, I'm so sorry to read about your situation, and I'm sorrier that there are 3 children involved.
Borderline ....... has she been diagnosed as borderline, or does she exhibit the symptoms? There are specific dangers with regard to borderlines depending upon which cluster they fall into. Some will threaten suicide while others will attempt suicide as a provocation. Physical violence is not uncommon, regardless of gender.
If you are done with this marriage, I would strongly encourage you to become involved in individual / private counseling. A lot happens to a person when they've lived in a traumatic situation, and men tend to "cope" with this trauma quite differently from women.
THEN, I would hire the best attorney that I could find. Borderlines do not like to lose, and they will manipulate Family Courts for their own benefit and drama/trauma entertainment. They will also use children as tools or weapons. This is particularly difficult when the mother is a serious problem. BUT, if you begin counseling therapy with a trauma specialist, and continue going to sessions, etc., this will be of benefit not only in the divorce, but also for you, personally, in the long run so that you don't choose another disordered person as a partner.
I also tried to "fix" a very dysfunctional and abusive union because I was SO ashamed for having chosen a very, very bad partner. Life is entierly too short to spend it walking on egg shells and allowing children to be dreadfully traumatized by a wacko parent.
Don't threaten your wife with divorce. Do not tell her that you've spoken to an attorney. Don't give her ANY indication that you're going to file for divorce. Just find a calm spot in your day, quiet your mind as much as you can, and keep moving through your days until your attorney advises you to either move out or kick her out. DOCUMENT everything that she says or does using a written (NOT technological) log using dates, times, exact quotes, actions, and YOUR actions/responses, even if they don't make you look like a saint.
Particularly where the children are concerned, tell them nothing, as well.
Best wishes to you on this challenging journey. You will make it out of this and hopefully take your children with you.
- Re: Leaving BPD wife after 8 years #68716
8 y
1,368
