Re: regarding staying away

I know all about discipline. I have to discipline myself A LOT because of my celiac disease. It's extremely hard and I get fed up with it. I guess I'm angry.. angry at my body.. angry at God for doing this to me. Angry about the fact that I can never go out to eat with family, am always left out whenever anyone has food, etc. Angry about the fact that if a molecule of gluten gets into my body Im deathly ill for weeks..It's lame I know, people have it a lot worse, but I have a lot of anger over it. So I have complete discipline when it comes to my diet, and why I'm saying this is that it's not that I don't have discipline. I know what the problem is.

It's that I get bored with happiness and destroy everything once Im doing well. This has been a pattern for a long time. It's not the alcohol I'm addicted to its the destruction. I enjoy, on some sick level, destroying my life. I knew what would happen when I started drinking again. I almost wanted it in some weird way. My trigger? Boredom and lack of fitting in.

So what I need, I think, beyond just discipline, is something ELSE to turn my energy towards when that boredom and "left out" feeling fit in. As V said, I need something to connect to so I don't fall back into the temporary "cure" of drinking with people because it falsely fulfills some need to be "free" and "fit in".

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