:) my views

Hi!

I know I'm a hard person to understand, and I know I was treating myself hatefully before. I just got caught up in some drama with some bad people, drugs and drinking.

The point isn't if I was treating myself badly then, the point is I'm NOT anymore. When you see a problem, admit it, and fix it, why can't things get better? Things CAN just change and get better, it's called a realization, a wake up call, a "light bulb going off". If that wasn't the case, no one would ever change a behavior.

Some of this just comes down to opinions, which we all are entitled to have. I still love living my life boldly. Just because I will no longer be drinking I still support some drug use, such as marijuana use. I occasionally use marijuana and I enjoy it, and support it's decriminlization. I'm entitled to have my own beliefs, and thats what I would mean by dont tell me drugs are bad, because one thing I CANT stand is black and white viewpoints. There are people out there who think smoking a joint or tripping on some mushrooms here and there is somehow in the same category with severely damaging yourself and your life with alcohol. TO me, its not the same, I don't see things in that black and white way. I'm not sorry for the drugs I choose to do. It's my life and I'm a big girl and I always take full personal responsibility for my actions. I'm not perfect, and I'm not sorry for not being perfect. This is my beautiful life, mistakes, dramas, love and light and everything in between.

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What happened to the part of you that fell apart and started using and did all those other self-destructive things you've posted about (and I'm also thinking of the other post you put up a few weeks ago)?

That part of you hasn't just disappeared. You haven't even healed your body yet."

That part of me hasn't disappeared, of course not! It's ME! All parts of me are me. I'm still the same wild soul I always have been, I'm now just choosing not to drink. It's that simple. It was a choice to drink before, it's a choice not to. I take full responsibility for the choice I made to drink before. I knew what would happen. I was just bored, so I attracted/invited the drama and drama was what I got. Lesson learned. Be careful what you ask for.

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Your response when people -- not just V -- gave their feedback on the Thailand trip didn't sound like someone who had it together. You said things like (paraphrasing) "this will be my ONLY chance EVER to go," and "I've wanted to go my whole life," "don't tell me drugs are bad, I won't accept that," "I can't possibly stay away from people who drink," -- that's not a mature, together person talking. Sounds more like a teenager throwin' a bit of a fuss."

It really doesn't matter to me if you think I'm a mature, together person or not. You don't know me at all, or all I've been through in my life. Most of my friends and family would laugh at what you just said. I'm respected for my strength and maturity by most I know, and told so often. I'm thankful for the people who really know me and appreciate me.

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Put another way: ask yourself a question. IF this trip wasn't about some pure positive spiritual journey, what might it be about? What's reason B?"

Another place we differ in opinion. I don't believe a "spiritual journey" has to be either pure or positive. I've learned a hell of a lot more from the bad times in my life than I have from times when things are perfect. Life is beautiful, the good and the bad, and what I'm seeking from this trip is an EXPERIENCE. Plain and simple. It doesn't matter what happens, I'm sure I will have days spent cold alone and scared just as I'll have days spent laughing with fun people and moments of spiritual clarity, and moments where I regret even coming. It's the journey. It's why I don't regret anything, no matter how bad things get from time to time. This is my life, my journey and I'm not sorry for it.

It's just sad that some of you don't see the beauty in having experiences, good and bad, and learning and growing from them. I don't believe life is meant to be happy all the time. Would be boring if it was.

<3

P.S. My initial responses to V were made in haste and temporary anger at his seeming to JUDGE an entire country as a bad place when the country has a people, a culture, an entire history to be explored. His comments came across ignorant and bordering on racist, just as bad as when I'd hear foreigners make comments about Americans, lumping this place into one big category as if everyone here is a Bush lovin, backwoods republican hick. Blanket, stereotyping statements about entire countries of people piss me off. But its his problem if he thinks that way, not mine, and Im not angry about it anymore. :) Tweet