If your goal was truly to help me and not to hurt me, I appreciate it. Actually, either way, I appreciate it.

But I guess I just didn't understand your viewpoint. I mean, I get it, I quit drinking. It's like I say I'm changing, I've made a decision. I sort of feel like some of you think I'm somehow arguing that I want to keep drinking, and I don't get why. I mean the whole reason I posted this here was I wanted to share my story of what I'd been through. Talking about it helps. It's putting it out there to the world. Admitting everything. It makes you free. It helps you forgive yourself.

I felt your attitude towards me was unforgiving. Maybe you didn't mean it this way, but it almost seemed you were angry that I wasn't suffering more, having more consequences for my disgusting shameful actions. Maybe we are from different moral backgrounds and these things I've done are more shocking and offensive to you than they are to me. I've always been a very sexual person, and I would be lying if I said I truly believe that sex is a "sacred" thing, I don't even know what the word "sacred" means to me. To me, everything is sacred, everything is God and mother earth combined, everything is a part of life and life is beautiful. Some people believe sex should be this special thing only between two people and thats it, and others believe in free love. The problem is when casual sex isn't free "love" but a giving away a part of yourself, which happens when the other person doesn't respect you. I know this.

At the time I was so turned off of "love", it was almost sickening to me. Every guy that "loved" me tried to hold me down, especially my ex. I don't like being held down. He always said my big dreams didn't have room for him. Everything I want in life, was pulling me away from him. My writing, my dreams of travel. I need someone who can keep up with me, he never could, and it felt like an endless trap. My love for him would become a prison. Endless stress, crying, a never ending nightmare that brought out the ugliest parts of me. I would love him but all I wanted to do was be free. It was the same with my ex fiance. I broke up with them, and forced them to let me go. They wouldn't let go. The guilting and grabbing on dragged me down.

When I finally broke off from him, it was the greatest feeling of freedom. I could do anything I want. It was my body. It was my life. It was my choices. I was so damn proud of myself. I was so strong and independent. I am, and now, after having gone through all this alone, still believe I am strong. I feel like it takes strength to be honest with yourself. To truly face yourself, open eyed.

I took my freedom and ran with it, went nuts. The people I was always surrounded with because of work always felt below me, but I was bored and on the rebound, and got sick of always fighting everything. I thought maybe it was wrong of me to feel above other people and I thought I should give them a chance and try to fit in.

After a few weeks on my own recovering from my never ending breakup, I was hungry for drama, hungry for a story. I wanted a scandelous affair of some sort, and I certainly didn't want a relationship as the last thing I wanted was another guy trying to be with me, I'm sick of breaking guys hearts. I'm straight up honest if I can't be in a relationship with them, I don't confuse them with sex if they have feelings for me. But it seemed like I still would hurt them anyway and it just sucks. Breaking someones heart is the worst feeling ever. It makes me feel awful and worthless. But I just can't be with them.. they aren't the one for me.

So since I was hungry and on the rebound, I found someone I didn't think I could EVER work with, so there would be no chance of a relationship. I thought, at the time, that he was a nice guy. Even though I knew better in my heart. I knew he was dangerous. but he SEEMED like a nice guy, and I found that attractive. Knowing there was some sort of danger under the surface.

The things that happened with him I will never forget. They changed me, on many levels. The words good and bad don't apply. I don't regret it. I allowed it to happen because it felt oddly good. I was free. I was completely giving in to my fantasies, for once, I wasn't holding back. I wanted to experience this random love, who was so very very wrong for me, and so "dangerous".

The way he treated me was playing to the part of my greatest fear and my deepest vanity, that I am nothing but a sex object. I've fought against that feeling my whole life, and to give into it felt so good. I knew what would happen. It still felt so good. When I think back on it now, it still feels good. It showed me that I deserve better. It showed me I deserve respect, because the act of not respecting me is so ugly. This dark and dangerous boy led me to a place of truly seeing inside myself, and what I saw was both terrifying and beautiful. It's vanity. My biggest sin, it's what compells all of this. My temptation is my vanity. Vanity. It's my sin, and probably will always be my battle.

It's a choice. Every day is a choice. The things I've done were choices, I own them all and would not change them, because their consequences were beautiful. It was like I stripped myself bare, I allowed it all to just come out. Everything I always feel guilty for. I didn't want it to be something "dirty" anymore. I wanted to turn it into something else, something owned by me. I don't believe sex is "sacred", but I believe the experience of life is sacred. My experience gave me a lesson in the vanity of power. I had the choice from the feeling of power, feeling like a sex goddess, feeling like I could have anyone. That I was a "pimp" so to speak, or that's how I might have reffered to myself had I been male. I did experience power, and pleasure, but it was only temporary. I gave it away after I turned back to the person who didn't respect me. I liked him because he didn't want me. It was so refreshing. I wouldn't have to break him.. he didn't love me. He never would. It felt good with him because I wasn't afraid of being trapped, but his heart was cold. I allowed him to take my power because of the allure of vanity. My greatest weakness. The only thing I can own to take back my power from all of this is the ability to rise above it.

Vanity and the desire power is to turn away from Gods love. It's extremely hard for me, it's like this beautiful, amazing shiny toy you can pick up and hold, and while playing with this toy it feels SO good, it slowly destroys you.

Life without it is so much more beautiful, so much more right. My sin of vanity is like the ultimate temptation in my life that never goes away, it's like putting that shiny toy on the table and telling the 4 year old they aren't allowed to touch it. It's hard. If I have a true addiction, deeper than any chemical, I would say the dangerous pursuit of vanity is it.

I hate drinking. But drinking allowed me to numb the parts of myself that knew better. This is what I mean when I say I drank to tolerate these people. Because the way he acted was so horrid that my conscious most surely would have stopped me from interacting with him had I not been drunk, as sexually attractive as I found him. Because he was cold, and distant, because he didn't care. Sex with him made me feel physical, primal. It made me feel alive, dangerous, free. It made me feel powerful because of my body. I was so perfect, for once, after suffering for so long with my skin problem.. no more. For once I felt so perfect. My skin, my hair, my body, everything. Vanity.

This is my battle, and this is where my internal work lies. I do love myself, because the part of me that fights against the vanity is bigger, it just got weak for a moment. Giving up my vanity in order to give something better to God, and the world, is the biggest challenge for me. It's what my heart wants, because in the end, vanity is like a predator. It leads you down a dark alley to nowhere. It makes you nothing but an object. A beautiful, shining, empty object.

Drinking just makes it easier to be vain.

I can see deep within myself, and I understand why I do the things I do. I understand that its all a choice. It's a choice, between setting down the shiny toy and walking towards something bigger and better.

Now that I've gone through this, I feel ready to really be on my own. I don't want a boyfriend or a lover. For once, I just want to breathe on my own. To see who I am minus the vanity. To see who I am when someone isn't trying to hold me down. This is what traveling the world is all about for me. I want to see different cultures. I want to see something bigger than the shiny toy. I want to see something else beyond the tiny radius of these stupid, boring, vain little world in my hometown. Here everyone drinks, all for different reasons, but mostly boredom and because they are chasing sins of their own. I know I'm meant for something better than that, and to reach that something better, I know I have to come to terms with this sin inside of me.

I am doing that now. I have lived a crazy and interesting life, and I can't help see the beauty in it all., and be thankful to God for not only giving me these lessons but showing me just what I need, and leading me always, even being so kind as helping me climb out when I trip and fall. Just the fact that random people from all over the place can connect on an internet forum, and the fact that I just spent like hours writing all this out, pouring out my soul for you to read. I want to share the way God, and my life, makes me feel. The way everything always feels like it happens for a reason. The way I see the reason so clearly. I'm very lucky, God is so good to me. He loves me so much and I feel such purpose in my life. I feel like I can help people. I feel like I can say the things I want, and write my books, and long after I'm dead, to say and after I'm gone, people can read my words, and hear me, whether they agree with me or not.

I feel like I can do anything, I just always have to turn to God, not vanity. Not greed. Not lust for power. Turn to God. It's a choice. Every day. Everything I've been through these past few months showed me the results of what happens when I turn away from God. Except I've been given a new chance. And it all makes sense now.

Those of you who took the time to comment on my life, I appreciate, even if you said things which hurt me, because at least you were interested enough to take the time to comment. My anger stemmed from feeling very misunderstood. But rather than be angry I'd rather come back and really tell my story properly, from a calmer place.

If anyone still chooses to judge me or think me a terrible person, that's okay. The only person I need to get love from right now is myself. Anyone else just helps. I love myself, I just need to show it. I want to do things in this life which I would admire in another. I want to be proud of myself because of who I am, not powerful because of my form. I want to really do something with my life, face myself and the world and not be afraid anymore to do everything I dreamed. I'm really not afraid anymore..

Thank you all for listening, what can I say, this is me.

<3