Sometimes man just has to clean house. I'm sorry you've had a hard time with depression in your life. 51 years is a long time. I knew a boy once upon a time who used to hurt creatures - not people, and he was also shy and frequently depressed. It turns out that he was victim of some neighborhood bullies. It's not that the boy was so much afraid of the bullyies but instead it was because his mother educated him to never stand up for himself for any reason. He and I talked, and we got to the root of the problem. You see, the boy had so much anger inside of himself, that that anger turned on himself. While the boy didn't actually fight the bullies, the bullies stopped messing with him. With the anger gone, the bad things left as well.
I hope you do not think of me as your enemy. Nobody can motivate such courage of a man as a mother, a sister, or a daughter. But they must believe in him, or he will wilt otherwise.