Re: Sibling molestation

Hello,

This is the sanest, best advice I've read so far to this family, although I'd add that it would also be fine to report it to a therapist, psychiatrist, the police or a social worker as well.

I have never actually read anything on the Curezone forum before and think it's interesting that I happened to check it out finally and this was the topic in the newsletter this week!

Perhaps it would be helpful for you to hear about this from the victim's perspective because something very similar happened to me in my family when I was a little girl. And there are indeed ramifications and reverberations for your daughter as well as your son and both parents.

I was molested by my older brother when I was 5 or 6 and he was 12 or 13. Fortunately, he stopped because my parents got divorced and my brother moved out of the home. I believe someone may have abused him as well and that is why he did it to me, but I'm not sure! Shortly after he abused me, he was acting out in other ways and was removed from our home and elected to live w/ a foster family (which I believe saved him from entering a life of petty crime). By the way, we were a nice, lower middle class family living in a nice, midwestern suburb...

Anyway, when I hit puberty some memories started to resurface. I remembered (not in detail, but enough to freak me out) that my brother had molested me. My brother who was then 21 or 22 years old came home for a visit and actually broached the subject -- he had guilt and remorse about this and he apologized to me and wanted to know if I remembered it happening and if I was all right. I forgave him. This was helpful to me, but not helpful enough! How helpful counselling would have been! A few years later I was a victim of rape and a few years after that I was raped again (both times on dates). I am quite sure that I was vulnerable to being abused again because of what happened to me as a child and which was not properly addressed when I was a child.

Unfortunately, I never told my mother or any adult (until many years later when I did tell my mother, who was horrified). When my older sister had children I decided to tell the whole family just in case my brother had any continuing tendencies toward sexual abuse (to protect my sister's children).

How much better it would have been if my mother had discovered what had occurred (for me AND for my brother)! How fortunate your family is that your daughter was able to tell you and this has all come to light. You have an opportunity to prevent further disaster. Don't be afraid you are going to harm your son by reporting this. It is the best thing you can do for everyone. You will be forced to recieve family counselling and your daughter and son will be greatly helped -- right now, rather than having to rehash this years later or acting it out in unhealthy ways as teenagers and young adults.

Memories can become buried, but to what purpose? So much healthier if they don't have to be! Someday it will re-emerge either directly or indirectly and this experience has occurred so it WILL affect her. So much better to admit honestly and openly what happened and avoid future grief for everyone. It happened! That's all. Thank God you found out! You are strong enough and loving enough to deal with this as responsible parents. Your son will be best served by receiving counselling and by learning that that behavior is wrong, abhorrent and unacceptable. He should not ever treat his sister like that again. You will not allow it.

I can tell from what you've written that you as parents are not equipped to help your son adequately (no offense, who would be? We do not receive any parenting training and esp are not taught how to deal with this type of stuff. That is why there are trained professionals out there -- don't be afraid, ashamed or embarrassed to use them. Do not go into denial about this -- PLEASE!!!)

Do the right thing.

My familiy's story has a fairly happy ending. My brother became a fine adult and stopped acting inappropriately. He and I are on good terms. My Mother was wracked with guilt and felt terrible that she had not protected me or realized what had happened. I am fine and will never allow myself to be raped or in an abusive situation again.

So, anyway, I am really hoping that you will get your son and daughter some help and that you will report it and not worry about causing your son problems by doing that. You will really be doing him a big favor and acting in his best interest. If this does not get worked out, he may very well become an adult sexual offender. This must be very confusing for all of you. Be brave and be smart and help and protect your children. That's your job! Tweet