Re: Sibling molestation

Every case is different because the people are different. There is no one "correct" answer on what you "should" do. I have to commend you on the way you are handling things. Your family has to take everything into consideration - then you have to decide what to do. You have to decide what kind of child your son is (sorry - don't mean to sound cold) and was this a one time thing or did it happen many times? Is he a good kid or does your intuition tell you he could do this again? Only you can answer this. God gives us the ability to "read" people if we choose to listen.

I started telling my children at a very young age that nobody is allowed to touch their "private parts." As they got older, I used the correct terminology. I was handing my children the washcloth as prechoolers and telling them to wash themselves because not even mommy or daddy (or their doctor) can touch them down there unless it was to put on medications or something of that nature. I recently talked to my 12 year old son about intercourse, self-gratification and pregnancy. I spoke to him about inappropriate behavior/touching and how much trouble one can get into not only here on Earth but on Judgment Day. We simply HAVE to talk to our kids about what they can and cannot do.

I'm sorry to say this, but the truth is - most of the time, a child only tells a little bit of what happened to them to see the reaction of the parent. Hopefully your daughter has told you everything and you were able to "nip things in the bud."

I was molested at age 4 by a teenage boy in our neighborhood - similar to what your daughter described. When I told my mother, she was very quiet and it was never spoken about again. I still think about it. I can't believe the guy got away with it. His parents were never told. It was handled inappropriately but I understand my mother did the best she could (with her own problems) so I don't blame her.

I swore that none of my children would ever be molested so I was a stay-at-home mother and nobody ever watched my children except my husband and his parents once in a blue moon. I thought I was doing everything "right." Well, I was so busy talking to my kids about what was inappropriate, I forgot to ask my children IF anything ever happened to them. When I finally thought to ask one of sons (at age 5) if anyone had ever touched him, he told me his cousin had. To make a very long story short - it turns out the 12 year old female cousin had been molesting my 4 year old son for an entire year (from age 4 to 5). It happened in grandma and grandpa's basement on the weekends that my husband took our son with him to visit his parents.

I went to the library and read every book on molestion/incest that seemed it would help me (50 books maybe?) - I ignored my family for about a week (not a good thing to do) trying to read as much as I could so I do the "correct thing."

Children Services were brought into it (my son told his preschool teacher what had happened). I got intensive counseling for our family that lasted for months. My son was with other molested children in a group, my other son was with the siblings of the molested children and my husband and I were with the parents/caregivers of the children who were molested. My daughter is grown with her own children). My son only told me a few things that happened. He told the Children Services everything though. Kids are afraid to tell those closest to them about "everything" for many reasons.

My suggestion again - is for you weigh what has happened in the past to what MIGHT happen in the future. It would be quite different if your children were closer in age. But, for an older child to even think that way about his own baby sister? I'm trying not to judge harshly. If he has always been a "good" kid and this was a one time thing - then go light on him - but, what if they aren't telling everything?

I went to the 12 year old cousin who molested my son and I told her she was going to tell me everything that had happened. I took about 5 of the molestion books from the library with me and spread them out on her bed as I spoke to her. I told her she wasn't a freak or anything - that we are born sexual beings - and this kind of thing happens all the time. I read parts of the books to her. I explained to her that I loved her no matter what because she is family and that I would help her in any way I could but that she had to tell me everything, because my son was too young to understand and the burden falls to her. I told her she could undo some of the wrong if she admitted to me what happened. Yes, I manipulated her to get information out of her. She finally opened up to me and told me everything that had happened... When Children Services got involved (everything happened so fast) I told them I would not press charges and they sent me a paper that said although the allegations were true (she admitted what she did to them also) that the family was handling things appropriately.

You have to get your entire family counseling as soon as possible. Let the professionals help you. This too will pass. It is up to you to decide what type scars will stay and which ones will heal.

In hindsight, I believe I handled everything well with my son's situation. He doesn't even remember the details of what happened between him and his cousin. He never did tell me everything that he told the counselor that happened to him (and was confirmed by what the cousin admitted to me). But, that is okay. Maybe that was what has helped him to "forget." Maybe with him thinking mommy doesn't know everything, he was able to let it go.

I hope this was helpful to you. If you have any other questions, I would more than happy to answer them for you.

Good Luck to you. Listen to your intuition. God Bless your family as you work through this.



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