All members of your family definitely require to see councellor.

Hiding the problem and avoiding your son and daughter staying together is not a permanent remedy.

Actually, if the emotional problems of your son especially your d...

Hi,

A thirteen year old boy is of an age that he will begin to explore his sexuality. To me, the methods he is using that you mentioned shows a lack of parenting. To teach what is right and wrong, to be open and responsive to their learning.

Proper parenting provides this, and is in my humble opinion the job of the father for a boy at his age. (where's the father?)

Also, and again just my opinion, but the church as I know it generally likes to repress sexuality, and using shaming techniques or worse to do so. This added to poor parenting/communication skills creates the trap for the sexually blooming male teen.

According to the Geneva convention the definition is a child is described as a human under the age of 18, and thereby the responsibility of their guardian until then. (You mentioned he is 13?)

The fact that he has tried to explore his sexuality with his 4 year old sister is troubling in itself, but what troubles me more here is the parent (or lack of) trying to pin this behavior on a minor (the boy) and now shaming him for that which they have failed as a parent to teach in the first place.

In my opinion your bitterness and anger towards your son is misguided, and I recommend the next time you have these feeling you go find a mirror. When you are finished crying, give you son a much needed hug, say your sorry, strike up a good healthy conversation on sex, and pray it's not too late to make up for your parental shortcomings.

Shame on him? Are you sure about that?

Hi, sounds like an unerving dilemma. Have you spoken with a counselor? Social worker, psychologist, family counselor familiar with child behavior. The fact that your daughter was clothed and open to telling you sounds as if she were not threatened as is often the case. speaking with a counselor can help you understand the childresn's behavior (specifically your son's)how normal or abnormal it is, and deal with your feelings about it and help you frankly and openly deal with it openly with both your children. did you tell your children why they are not being left alone with one another? Openness on your part is important. Keeping this secret only gives it more power. As a child I was sexually abused by an adult. It has affected me in many ways. I have gone to counseling for many years. The most important thing (in my opinion)is for you to become as comfortable and educated as possible within reeason in order to openly and effectively work with your children and not perpetuate a secret. Your son may only be curious, however this does sound inappropriate, a counselor can be a voice of reason and objectively help quell the panic you feel. It's not like we get manuals for how to deal with these things in our life. Just as you take a class or have someone teach you how to drive, at times we need anothers expertise to guide us in how to deal with situations in which we have no experience. Best to you and your family in finding the solution that is right for you.

Every case is different because the people are different. There is no one "correct" answer on what you "should" do. I have to commend you on the way you are handling things. Your family has to take everything into consideration - then you have to decide what to do. You have to decide what kind of child your son is (sorry - don't mean to sound cold) and was this a one time thing or did it happen many times? Is he a good kid or does your intuition tell you he could do this again? Only you can answer this. God gives us the ability to "read" people if we choose to listen.

I started telling my children at a very young age that nobody is allowed to touch their "private parts." As they got older, I used the correct terminology. I was handing my children the washcloth as prechoolers and telling them to wash themselves because not even mommy or daddy (or their doctor) can touch them down there unless it was to put on medications or something of that nature. I recently talked to my 12 year old son about intercourse, masturbation and pregnancy. I spoke to him about inappropriate behavior/touching and how much trouble one can get into not only here on Earth but on Judgment Day. We simply HAVE to talk to our kids about what they can and cannot do.

I'm sorry to say this, but the truth is - most of the time, a child only tells a little bit of what happened to them to see the reaction of the parent. Hopefully your daughter has told you everything and you were able to "nip things in the bud."

I was molested at age 4 by a teenage boy in our neighborhood - similar to what your daughter described. When I told my mother, she was very quiet and it was never spoken about again. I still think about it. I can't believe the guy got away with it. His parents were never told. It was handled inappropriately but I understand my mother did the best she could (with her own problems) so I don't blame her.

I swore that none of my children would ever be molested so I was a stay-at-home mother and nobody ever watched my children except my husband and his parents once in a blue moon. I thought I was doing everything "right." Well, I was so busy talking to my kids about what was inappropriate, I forgot to ask my children IF anything ever happened to them. When I finally thought to ask one of sons (at age 5) if anyone had ever touched him, he told me his cousin had. To make a very long story short - it turns out the 12 year old female cousin had been molesting my 4 year old son for an entire year (from age 4 to 5). It happened in grandma and grandpa's basement on the weekends that my husband took our son with him to visit his parents.

I went to the library and read every book on molestion/incest that seemed it would help me (50 books maybe?) - I ignored my family for about a week (not a good thing to do) trying to read as much as I could so I do the "correct thing."

Children Services were brought into it (my son told his preschool teacher what had happened). I got intensive counseling for our family that lasted for months. My son was with other molested children in a group, my other son was with the siblings of the molested children and my husband and I were with the parents/caregivers of the children who were molested. My daughter is grown with her own children). My son only told me a few things that happened. He told the Children Services everything though. Kids are afraid to tell those closest to them about "everything" for many reasons.

My suggestion again - is for you weigh what has happened in the past to what MIGHT happen in the future. It would be quite different if your children were closer in age. But, for an older child to even think that way about his own baby sister? I'm trying not to judge harshly. If he has always been a "good" kid and this was a one time thing - then go light on him - but, what if they aren't telling everything?

I went to the 12 year old cousin who molested my son and I told her she was going to tell me everything that had happened. I took about 5 of the molestion books from the library with me and spread them out on her bed as I spoke to her. I told her she wasn't a freak or anything - that we are born sexual beings - and this kind of thing happens all the time. I read parts of the books to her. I explained to her that I loved her no matter what because she is family and that I would help her in any way I could but that she had to tell me everything, because my son was too young to understand and the burden falls to her. I told her she could undo some of the wrong if she admitted to me what happened. Yes, I manipulated her to get information out of her. She finally opened up to me and told me everything that had happened... When Children Services got involved (everything happened so fast) I told them I would not press charges and they sent me a paper that said although the allegations were true (she admitted what she did to them also) that the family was handling things appropriately.

You have to get your entire family counseling as soon as possible. Let the professionals help you. This too will pass. It is up to you to decide what type scars will stay and which ones will heal.

In hindsight, I believe I handled everything well with my son's situation. He doesn't even remember the details of what happened between him and his cousin. He never did tell me everything that he told the counselor that happened to him (and was confirmed by what the cousin admitted to me). But, that is okay. Maybe that was what has helped him to "forget." Maybe with him thinking mommy doesn't know everything, he was able to let it go.

I hope this was helpful to you. If you have any other questions, I would more than happy to answer them for you.

Good Luck to you. Listen to your intuition. God Bless your family as you work through this.

I HAVE read ALL the messages from everyone and I ONLY agree with those who are telling you that you are blowing this thing WAY out of proportion!
In this world today, it does not matter how much church or ‘right’ teaching we give our children, they are going to be curious and the world IS going to get to them, like it or not.

If I had no children at all, I would keep my mouth shut on this subject, for what can a person with no children POSSIBILY know about raising boys?
I have 4 grown sons, and three young grandsons.
We are Christians that participated in our local very ‘puritan’ beliefs.
Boys WILL be boys and what has happened in your family is no disgrace at all, it is only a matter of a blooming young man, who YES, knows right from wrong, but who’s curiosity got the better of him.
Now PLEASE tell me why in the world would you subject him, your daughter and yourselves to reporting such a minor incident to the police?
Come on, he touch NOTHING and wouldn’t let her touch him!
This should be handled with LOVE and understanding.
Sure, talk to your minister, which is what they are there for.
But to take a matter as innocent as this is to the authorities is only asking for BIG trouble.

Come on, you are his mother, you know him…he is a good boy right?
Then give the kid a break by not making him feel ‘dirty’ or ‘bad’ or worse ‘perverted’.
These feelings can influence him the rest of his life, even perhaps turning him into someone he is not!

I am a middle-aged grandma, and honey, believe me when I tell you that if people would be honest, and especially men, you’d see that boys coming into their sexuality are stimulated easily and don’t know really what to do with it all and MOST have experimented.

With our sons, we were open and honest about all of it, and our two daughters also.
I am happy to report that although we had a couple of ‘naughty’ incidents around this age with our sons (and daughters, but they were older), each has matured into lovely young adults living happy heterosexual lives and raising families whose young sons have already been introduced to ‘sex’ by other playmates (which they no longer play with).
It is going to happen, but just relax and KNOW that the character building you have spent years investing in him, will pay off.
There is so much more I could tell you and reading a book or two is a good idea, talking to your minister is another one.
Bad idea to make your son feel like he is ‘sick’ or to bring in the ‘authorities’!

PLEASE as soon as possible let this young man know he is ok...not right for what he did, but NORMAL.
And you must believe this is true, for it is.

There is NONE perfect in this world.

Hope this helps,
Grandma

Thanks for all the different perspectives you all have given me. The purpose of posting here was to see this at every angle, I'm grateful for the time you all have taken to respond to me, whether nice or not. I appreciate those who have shared painful memories of their past or their families past. At this point, I'm going to consider everyones thoughts on this matter, pray, and really meditate on what I should do. Some of you may be angry with me, and I'm sorry about that. My heart is really to do what is right and help my kids, I guess I just don't have all the answers. I want you all to know that my husband and I love our children and we will not just sweep this under the rug. It will be dealt with some way, and I'm sure that after it's all over, we'll be a closer family unit. It's hard to respond to everyone individually, so I'll try to do that in the next few days. Thanks again and God bless!

Hi! I have a 5 year old son and a 3year old daughter and I've of course thought about such things maybe happening in the future...My brother looked at one of my sisters naked once growing up, and it really affected her negatively, although they've since worked things out and are great friends. But it does make you worry. In this society, our kids are surrounded with all kinds of sexually explicit material and as parents, we simply cannot shelter them as much as we might want to. I do however closely monitor what my kids watch, hear, and see. But I don't make a big deal out of it, so they don't even know what they're "missing out on". I think that you are wise to keep your boy seperated from your girl, and it is only normal to worry. I wouldn't however continue to resent your son and make him feel bad, as this could result in a lot of self esteem problems for him in the future. You don't want him thinking that he is a bad person, only that he did something that wasn't right. Boys are differnt then girls and at that age their sexuality begins to blossom and I don't think that they even know what to do about it sometimes. It would be good if your son could discuss his sexuality with an adult, best would be his own dad. Keep the communication opened. If he feels like you think he is dirty,...he will probably not open up to you. Let him know that what he is experiencing as a growing boy is normal, that's how God made men, but that is is going to have to learn how to channel these feelings correctly,...I'm a Christian too and I would pray about it all. Anyways, don't feel bad about your reaction to what happened because any loving mother would have reacted the same way. Just make sure that your son is getting all the love and attention he needs and make sure your daughter is safe, because things like this do affect children. Make sure your daughter knows that these kind of things are not OK and that she should tell you anytime something like this happens. Some people think that situations like this one are just "kids games", but I disagree. I'll say a prayer for you. Trust God, don't worry too much.

Everyone agrees that You are faced with a very difficult situation. It is very normal for teenage boys and girls to become curious about sex and sexuality. As one pediatrician told me, "if it feels good they'll keep doing it".
It is also normal for teenagers to experiment.
It is NOT normal or acceptable to experiment on a younger child and any experimentation should be strongly discouraged.
Your sons curiosity is normal and he should not be made to feel that it is "dirty" or evil. Others are correct in saying that it will entice further sexual behavior.
It is important to reassure your daughter that telling you was the best thing for her and for the rest of the family, and talk to her about her body and the sanctity of it.
Your son needs proper sexual education to help to satisfy his cuiosity. You also need to instill in him the beauty and importance of healthy sexual behavior (waiting until you are married) and harmful sexual behavior. It is harmful to the whole family, not just him and his sister.
Reassure them both that you love them.
Contrary to your husbands feelings of the need for secrecy, you need to disclose this, for a few reasons.
First of all, if it comes out, and it is found that you and your husband were aware of it but failed to address the situation and get the children some councilling, you could be held guilty of neglect and willful endangerment.
second, keeping it secret will make it shameful and cause more problems for the children.
With out intervention, you feelings of mistrust will grow, and your concerns for your childrens safety and your ability to provide for that safety, can become self destructive.

If the situation is as you described, and just some touching through clothing, then you caught it early. I would make an appointment to speak with you pediatrician and tell it like it is, and ask for assistance in dealing with the situation. Depending on which State you live in, and the laws in place there; disclosure is required so long as abuse is suspected. If you are aware of some abuse and are taking the necessary steps to correct the situation, everyone will benefit, and there is a possibility that it won't go further than that.
You caught it, you stopped it, you reported it, and you are taking corrective measures. That is all anyone can be asked or expected to do.

My prayers are with you and I hope all works out. Please keep us posted. God bless you.

I haven't gone through and read every reply, so if what I'm about to say has been said, please accept my apologies.

First thing, I'm a 34 year old guy with a 6 year younger sister - so she's 28 now.

When we were younger, I think I was in Jr. High, she and I were showering - or rinsing off from playing outside in the sprinkler or something and I tried to touch her vagina. She stopped me, and nothing ever happened again, but it's something that's bothered me ever since.

Thinking back on my situation, it was probably just sexual curiosity and I'm not sure why I did it. I know that her reaction was enough to keep me from ever trying it again!

I have since spoken to my sister about it, after watching an Oprah episode about a lady who was making a documentary about women with her same name and coming to realize in talking to these women that almost all of them had been sexually abused. (http://www.searchingforangelashelton.com/)

I told her what I had seen, and that what I had done years before had bothered me, and that I wanted to apologize. She said that she never thought about it again, but thanked me for being thoughtful enough to bring it up for discussion.

I don't know if anything I'm saying will be any help, but I think just educating children about sex could be the answer.

I also don't have children yet, but my wife is very good with kids, and her stance is that your kids should trust you enough to be comfortable discussing ANYTHING with you. And if they ask questions, you should be as open and honest with them as you can.
Unfortunately, kids are exposed to sexual images and themes way too early, which a may mean that we as parents (and potential parents!) have to head off any curiosity before it becomes a problem. I think that hiding sexuality will only breed secrecy and deceit. There are probably healthy ways of educating kids without taking away their innocence; I'm just not the guy with that answer!

I hate to think that your son is being punished for doing something that he might not have known was wrong in the first place. I think that as long as you approach your discipline with him in a loving way, he'll "get it" that's its wrong and never do it again. I'm afraid that any harsh discipline might screw him up 180 degrees in the other direction... maybe he'll have sexual issues that prevent intimacy because he's been scared since this occurrence.

I'm just talking out loud here, and I am in no way an authority on any of this, and my comments are meant to spur more comments, and open dialogue. If what I said is totally wrong according to many child therapists, then I'm wrong - they know much more than I do about the subject, these are just my off-the-cuff thoughts.

I am a survivor of sibling molestation, and simply put, they both need counseling. It can only help them.