Thanks for your response. I will check out that book. Right now our son is pretty much grounded from everything except for reading books. We really didnt know to punish such a thing, but we felt also it wouldn't be right to not have any punishment at all. I wish my son would be more intersted in sports, but he's not. He's just intersted in music, playing his drums and guitar. I know I need to put a halt to some of the music he likes too. He likes skateboarding, maybe I can take him to a skate park a few times a week or something. I will try to think of ideas to keep him busy. Please pray for our family. God bless!

Hi,

If you have a private family therapist---must it still be reported?

Do you know who his friends are?
Boys at 13, tell eachother all about sex and masturbation and things, it is like a game at this point. they want to impress eachother with who knows more or did more.

where does he go after school?

does he go to public school?

can you possibly change his school before he becomes too close to these friends?

I say that because I had a very corrupted little friend at 14 and he followed me until I was 23. Always trying to sink my down to his level.

Being raised christian is wonderful, I was too, and went to catholic school for 12 years. BUT it does not prepare children for certain things. Sexuality is good, but molestation is wrong. Intention of love is good, intention of ego is wrong. Not everyone is Christ-like, so even (bad)friends have to be omitted from your life if you want to walk with God. He may think his friends are his real friends and not see them as negative. You telling him he his doing something bad may confuse him about sexuality and think that you are BAd.

Remove the friends. Find new friends--summer is coming, maybe a christian boys summer camp? or space camp/ or Science camp? something cool for boys.

Try not to make him feel bad. Someone is putting false ideas in his head. he will resent you later for this if you do not have compasion and relieve the guilt.

praying for you,
gracey

#3682, I imagine you already know this...but for the sake of others reading this thread...there are mandatory reporting laws for child abuse in every state in the US, and these laws supersede any confidentiality laws involving therapy, medical care, legal representation, etc. Reporting abuse or the reasonable suspicion of abuse is required by law and failure to do so is a criminal and punishable offense. There are also other circumstances that require mandatory reporting, ie. an individual is posing imminent danger to another, elder abuse, etc....and none of these instances are regarded as a breach of confidentiality.

Very clearly you are in a difficult situation and there are no easy solutions to this problem. No matter what you decide to do...dealing with this will be painful...that is a given. I think there are a number of things that you need to consider...in addition to those you already have...before making your decision about how to proceed. It is important to keep in mind that this is not just an issue of the incidents of abuse. Your daughter may or may not forget the abuse...children of a younger age than your daughter have retained memories of abuse, and there is considerable variation in the effects of abuse whether remembered or not. Your son may or may not be telling you the truth about his own abuse or reasons behind the abuse of his sister...fear and shame are powerful motivators to deny abuse, particularly if he has gotten the message that such things are better not discussed or forgotten. Your son may or may not stop his behavior...knowing it was wrong did not stop him before, and it may manifest in other ways or against other people. Being of a 'good' home or Christian upbringing does not make one immune from abuse...not for victims, nor for perpetrators.

In addition to the actual incidents of abuse and whatever led up to your son's actions, your entire family is...and will continue to be effected by these events. The dynamics of all relationships is now different...brother to sister, and parents to both children. Even if your daughter does forget the actual incidents...your son will not, and neither will you or your husband. Just as I imagine that you and your husband have questioned your parenting since this occured...so, too, will this continue to effect the relationship that your son has with himself. 'Forgetting' the abuse or trying to put it behind you without addressing it as a family matter and remaining open to the healing process is like closing a wound that is still infected...it will only fester and produce more pain. While the abuse is certainly a problem...there is considerable damage done by the secrecy that often surrounds abuse.

You have obviously considered a number of 'What ifs...?' in your attempt to decide how to proceed...and the concerns you raise are legitimate. There are other 'What ifs...?' that you also need to consider:

What if...
Your son has been sexually abused?
He abuses your daughter again?
He abuses another child?
Your daughter does not forget...and tells someone else?
Or fears telling you again if someone hurts her because of the tension it causes?

These are just a few of the possibilities to consider when weighing your decision. And one more question for you: You said that you would seek help for your daughter should she experience 'emotional trauma' in the future as a result of the abuse...what about the 'emotional trauma' that your son is experiencing? I will say it again...a 13yo exploring his sexual curiosity with a 4yo is NOT normal behavior and this is not a simple matter of reprimanding him for making a mistake!

there is no simple answer, but i will tell you one thing, she will not forget. even if she forgets who it was, she will always know something is not right. she will feel shame and maybe never talk about it. now is the time to nip this in the bud, for all of your sakes. dont just let it go. there are to many of us out there, that where just let go of many years ago. we still live with the shame. i still feel that making love is nasty, i cant believe i just said. but, truthfully, thats how i feel. something happened to me. not sure what, but something. i do make love to my husband, and do enjoy it, but, in the back of my mind, there is turmoil. i have had a lot of therapy, and almost got hypnotised once to find out, but i chickened out!!! im still scared. im afraid it could have been a family member. so, now i live the rest of my life feeling this way. nip it in the bud now!!! this type of thing happens a lot more than we know. many of my friends feel that they have been molested, but everything has been, hush, hush. so, now we suffer. god bless you and yours, cloe

One day when my two boys were taking a bath, I walked in and found the oldest son orally stimulating the younger son, at that time they were 5 and 7. I was completely taken off guard, but I manage to keep my composure, made them get out of the tub after washing up, and then had a long talk with them both.

First I wanted to know where they had learned it from, had it been a friend, etc. My older son said an older boy at school, had followed him home and made him participate in the activity with him.

I set some boundaries, no baths together, no walking around with out under wear, etc.

Then we talked about sex, what was right and wholesome, what wasn't. I let them know they could come and talk to me about anything, they may have heard or seen, and that their bodies were their own, no one had the right to touch them, and they did not have the right to touch anyone else.

I did not tell them they were bad, or express any disgust toward them, it was the best thing I could have done, as over the years
they came to me with all kinds of sexual questions, which could have just as easily been answered by one of their friends, but without the knowledge and bibical answers I provided them with.

Even so there were times as my older son grew that he acted in- appropriately, and I firmly let him know as did his younger brother and sister, that it wasn't acceptable behaviour. We also
let him know we loved him.

Many of my children's friends expressed the desire to talk openly with their parents, but found no avenue open to them. They were afraid of what the parents would do or think and so they kept hidden things that had happened to them rather then make them self subject to their parents wrath or ridicule.

Hope this might help.
I