Re: Sibling molestation

#3682, I imagine you already know this...but for the sake of others reading this thread...there are mandatory reporting laws for child abuse in every state in the US, and these laws supersede any confidentiality laws involving therapy, medical care, legal representation, etc. Reporting abuse or the reasonable suspicion of abuse is required by law and failure to do so is a criminal and punishable offense. There are also other circumstances that require mandatory reporting, ie. an individual is posing imminent danger to another, elder abuse, etc....and none of these instances are regarded as a breach of confidentiality.

Very clearly you are in a difficult situation and there are no easy solutions to this problem. No matter what you decide to do...dealing with this will be painful...that is a given. I think there are a number of things that you need to consider...in addition to those you already have...before making your decision about how to proceed. It is important to keep in mind that this is not just an issue of the incidents of abuse. Your daughter may or may not forget the abuse...children of a younger age than your daughter have retained memories of abuse, and there is considerable variation in the effects of abuse whether remembered or not. Your son may or may not be telling you the truth about his own abuse or reasons behind the abuse of his sister...fear and shame are powerful motivators to deny abuse, particularly if he has gotten the message that such things are better not discussed or forgotten. Your son may or may not stop his behavior...knowing it was wrong did not stop him before, and it may manifest in other ways or against other people. Being of a 'good' home or Christian upbringing does not make one immune from abuse...not for victims, nor for perpetrators.

In addition to the actual incidents of abuse and whatever led up to your son's actions, your entire family is...and will continue to be effected by these events. The dynamics of all relationships is now different...brother to sister, and parents to both children. Even if your daughter does forget the actual incidents...your son will not, and neither will you or your husband. Just as I imagine that you and your husband have questioned your parenting since this occured...so, too, will this continue to effect the relationship that your son has with himself. 'Forgetting' the abuse or trying to put it behind you without addressing it as a family matter and remaining open to the healing process is like closing a wound that is still infected...it will only fester and produce more pain. While the abuse is certainly a problem...there is considerable damage done by the secrecy that often surrounds abuse.

You have obviously considered a number of 'What ifs...?' in your attempt to decide how to proceed...and the concerns you raise are legitimate. There are other 'What ifs...?' that you also need to consider:

What if...
Your son has been sexually abused?
He abuses your daughter again?
He abuses another child?
Your daughter does not forget...and tells someone else?
Or fears telling you again if someone hurts her because of the tension it causes?

These are just a few of the possibilities to consider when weighing your decision. And one more question for you: You said that you would seek help for your daughter should she experience 'emotional trauma' in the future as a result of the abuse...what about the 'emotional trauma' that your son is experiencing? I will say it again...a 13yo exploring his sexual curiosity with a 4yo is NOT normal behavior and this is not a simple matter of reprimanding him for making a mistake!

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