Re: I truly despise my mother. I really do.

I agree that #49373 should get past her hate and blame and that she should focus on the future without letting her past interfere with her moving on.

However I completely disagree that parents "always did their best". This type of thinking, along with "unconditional forgiveness" often leads to people not taking responsibility for their own actions, and thus creates problems for others and for their own future. It often dumps undeserved issues on the son/daughter when the parent is at fault, and it encourages the same behavior to be repeated when they become parents, Parents often take out unresolved parental problems on their own kids because they were told to give unconditional respect and honor to their parents. Why even try to be a good parent yourself when you have been told that "parents always do their best" regardless of what they do? Parents can abuse their power over children. Parents may demand unconditional honor and respect from their kids the first 18 years of their kid's life, but those parents than have the rest of their lives to live with any bad decisions they made. When their kids are 30 and don't visit because they were neglected or abused mentally or physically 20 years earlier, who pays for it? Parents very often don't do their best, and they often pay for it decades later.

#49373 could be completely justified in feeling that her mother treated her badly or neglected her. Should she dwell on it? No. She should address it, learn from it, and move on with her life... and remember those life lessons so that when she has children she doesn't repeat her mother's mistakes. Religion does harm when it gives free passes to those unworthy, gives automatic status regardless of actions, and releases people from accountability. Thus religion can drag the problem out over multiple generations and can do more harm than good.



#49373 - You are doing the right thing by focusing on moving out and becoming self-sufficient. This is one of the best things you can do to help family issues. The stress alone of living with parents at 22 is enough to drive most people crazy - that's human nature, you need to leave the nest. When you are in a new place your family issues will likely become easier to deal with, mostly because you will be too busy with your own life to dwell on past problems. Moving out, becoming self-sufficient, and leading a happy life will make your past problems seem much smaller.

The family you grew up with is not the family that you will have soon if you want it. Meet new people, make new friends, and start a new family with the lessons your old family has taught you. It may seem absurd to you now, but all of those bad things that happened to you can enrich your life for the better if you let it. All of the painful things you have suffered are all priceless lessons that you can use to raise your own kids the correct way. Give your daughter the love and attention that your mother didn't give you. Teach your kids how to eat healthy and how to drive safely, and how to be respectful of others. Tell them how your family growing up had lots of problems and explain to them why you love them and why you must have open and honest communication. Above all perhaps, remember that the way you raise and treat your children will greatly affect the relationship you have with them after they grow up and are on their own.

22 is very young. In 10 years you can be happy with new friends and a new family, or bitter and still stuck dealing with old family issues. It is your choice.
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