I truly despise my mother. I really ... 
#49373
19 y
2,905
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and yet I can't get away from her. I'm beyond hate, I feel nothing for her but numbness. Being in a room with her is like being in a room with a stranger. I just hate her..and the worst part about it is she has no clue why.
So I've been playing her for the past few years now. Yep, using her for rides and a house. I had cancer 4 times and I feel that hey maybe if she didn't feed me Mcdonalds as a kid every night so she didn't have to cook and could tend to my baby brother or her bf... Then hey maybe the cancer wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't got fat. I could go on forever, there's way too much. It's too deep.
I've been collecting disability for some other reason, that I also hold her responsible for.
Yeah I know, I'm too old now (22) to be blaming things on my mommy. But it's like I can't get away from her or get my own life. I have no friends (also blamed on mommy, I never learned social skills since she doesn't have any and sheltered me for so long)
Really... How the hell do you get away from your mother, start in a new town far far away and get your own damn life when you're 22yrs too late?
So far my plan is to get a car asap since all these clearance sales are going on. I can afford that once I find the right dealer and car. But then of course the problem is I suck at driving since mommy would never teach me and I had no one else. I have my license though(which was way too easy to get, I can't drive for shit), so guess I'll be driving around times like 5am when traffic is dead.
I want to get a job.. but unfortunatley I'll be stuck at something min wage since I still have no clue what to do with my life. Jobs are easier said than done though, especially for someone who sucks at social skills in real life.
UGH. I hate her. I can't stand existing in the same room/house/town with her anymore. She still and always puts my brother first and now her stupid dog. I think she's so good to them because deep down she knows she sucked with me. She's better with boys, she's a tomboy herself. Unfortunatley for her she had a daughter first and didn't know wtf to do with it. Now that my brother is a teen, I'm seeing her act so much different with him and it's driving me fucking nuts. After seeing her say something so opposite to what she did/said to me when I was his age.. I went and got drunk because it brought back so many memories. Usually I avoid it and stay in my room 24/7 but today I unfortunatley had to witness something. She has noo clue. I hide it good. I treat her like an aquantaince, respect and keep the peace, small talk.. while it's killing me inside to even be talking to her. I hate her. The end.
Actually.. I hate the whole family I was born in. I'm so different from all of them. I rather do something productive tahn sit around the christmas tree talking about some fight another family had. They are all pathetic. Sure, I'm a loser..but I don't consider myself pathetic enough to talk about drama. THEY ALL SUCK I WANT MY OWN LIFE AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET IT! :(
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- Re: I truly despise my mother. I rea... #35048
19 y
2,681
This is a reply to # 669,042wake up, you're 22, you could have a family of your own already, instead of hiding in yr room 24/7 and being jealous of a teen. I was already pregnant at yr age!
things need good and strong will to be done, wishing wells just do not exist and time goes by...
whatever you can blame on yr mother just does not matter at all, its far too easy and too useless thing to do. You talk about losing weight/learnin to drive/findin job and friends... if you do not change yr attitude first, you will not get anything that you want .
Start by praying God to show you yr path to get out of this unhappy situation , understand that you're responsible for your own present life (since you're an adult now), and work on it. If you act faithful and true, and drain all that bitterness down the sink, God will help you get thru everything. Just ask him to listen to yr prayers and he will do, He will give you signs of his presence and guidance. You need good inner work and He is the only one who can help there! When you will be ready for that, you will meet true love and friends. He will put the right persons on yr path! Just ask Him and do not be childish, He wants to help you but needs you to be strong and not doing childish complaints.
Do not focus on things of the past, yr life can change forever by now if you really wish to.
lots of love
G.
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- Re: I truly despise my mother. I rea... #47913
19 y
2,706
This is a reply to # 669,043Ok, while I do agree with most of what you said.
These statements bothered me:
wake up, you're 22, you could have a family of your own already, instead of hiding in yr room 24/7 and being jealous of a teen. I was already pregnant at yr age!>>>
Ok, she should definitely strive for more than what she has at 22, but it doesn't mean that she should pregnant or married with a family.
I'm 21, soon to be 22, and I'm a full-time college student who has 1 year left to getting a degree. While I don't look down on mothers who have had children young, I don't think she should be made to feel bad that she isn't in that category. I'm sorry, no offense, but I think a lot of women would rather be educated than knocked-up...
Trust me honey, the children can wait... you can focus on YOURSELF as an individual (your intellect, your maturity, forming your personality, belief system, and goals),and LEARNING HOW TO SUPPORT YOURSELf financially before having to think about supporting a family. Forming yourself now will prepare you to be a better parent in the future.
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- Re: I truly despise my mother. I rea... #35048
19 y
2,653
This is a reply to # 669,046"Ok, she should definitely strive for more than what she has at 22, but it doesn't mean that she should pregnant or married with a family."
first of all, I was not suggesting her to have a baby NOW, just reminding her that she is an adult person and that many, many persons of the same age of hers asll around the world experience responsability having families of their own. she is looking for love like a child does, just asking, but growing up means learning to GIVE love.
"I'm 21, soon to be 22, and I'm a full-time college student who has 1 year left to getting a degree. While I don't look down on mothers who have had children young, I don't think she should be made to feel bad that she isn't in that category. I'm sorry, no offense, but I think a lot of women would rather be educated than knocked-up..."
It seems to me that this last sentence places you right among those who look down on mothers of yr age.
"Trust me honey, the children can wait..."
Many women believe so, they just find up at 40 that it's too late.
come and tell me the same thing in a couple of decades.
" you can focus on YOURSELF as an individual (your intellect, your maturity, forming your personality, belief system, and goals),and LEARNING HOW TO SUPPORT YOURSELf financially before having to think about supporting a family. Forming yourself now will prepare you to be a better parent in the future."
What do you know about being a parent? You're not one. how can you be sure that one woman's growth, maturity etc. would be slowed by forming a family and/or having children? It is the opposite I think.
Moreover, I do believe that "focus on yourself" is a very dangerous advice, this girl is already focusing on herself, far too much don't ya think? She lacks love ,and she is not able to give, why give her such an advice ? what she needs is learn to relativize her point of view.
Our society is very skilled in teaching young people and especially women how to despise marriage, family and children. what kind of degree or work or wealthy situation will be worth your life in the end? lack of financial support is not such a problem when you are surrounded by loved ones, while pain and loneliness cannot be leaned by owning all the money and goods.
all these "wise talks" , children can wait etc., seem to me just a business to make working class people lonely and unhappy, and still working hard to reach their 'happiness' . I do not see many happy people however.
This is maybe not the right forum to discuss that, but I have a sister of yr age, whose statements are quite similar to yours, and she is quite unhappy...college student and still pampered by parents like an early teen... her head is filled by dreams of a bright future, but her heart is cold as stone, she is 100% selfish, 100% (to say so) satisfied , and 100% helpless not being able to feel any true love
love is the ONLY way. the rest is crap that sooner or later you will regret spending time about.
Hope you will find your way too.
love,
G.
- Re: I truly despise my mother. I rea... #47913
19 y
2,639
This is a reply to # 669,048
<<<Moreover, I do believe that "focus on yourself" is a very dangerous advice, this girl is already focusing on herself, far too much don't ya think? She lacks love ,and she is not able to give, why give her such an advice ? what she needs is learn to relativize her point of view.>>>
Yeah, thank God I am not because I don't think I've formed myself to the point of being able to create and raise another human being. It's like marriages that happen early on in life... most don't last because each person is still growing and transforming. When you have a child, you can't give it back or get divorced from it. You are responsible for that person and making sure it becomes a good human being. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure you are able to do that when you're young, its just harder...and I DON'T look down on young mothers...I'm just glad its not me and a lot of women would agree. You can't say thats judgement, its preference!
Furthermore, you're telling this girl to not focus on herself? She already seems emotionally unstable, so she should therefore go and raise a family feeling the way she feels about life and herself? Of course she lacks love and is not able to give any...so that is purely why she needs to focus on herself, and changing her attitude and what needs to be altered in her life. Relativize her point of view? First of
all, I don't think you can use that word in that context but in order for her to alter her point of view, she needs to focus on whats wrong within herself...
<<come and tell me the same thing in a couple of decades.>>>
Not everyone waits till they're 40 to have children!!! But they do wait till they're educated and secured in a job...so just because I am getting my education now in my early 20's, I'm doomed to be unmarried and not pregnant by 40? Give me a break...
<<<all these "wise talks" , children can wait etc., seem to me just a business to make working class people lonely and unhappy, and still working hard to reach their 'happiness' .>>>
So you're saying its wrong for society to deture women away from pregnancy before they are ready? And while you may be an exception, many women aren't ready at 20 or even 25! Lack of financial support may still be a problem when you are surrounded by loved ones because some families don't want to pay for their children's children! I definitely don't want my mom supporting me and my baby when I have one, I want to be able to do it myself, as an independent individual.
I think it is EXTREMELY unfair for you to compare having children with the support of family to being painful and lonely?!?!?! That's ludacris to say that if you're not having children, you're in pain and lonely. NOT EVERYONE WANTS CHILDREN RIGHT AWAY. You can be successful and single when you're young...thats what being young is all about! Being able to go out and have fun and at the same time not have to worry about anyone but yourself!!!
I'm sorry but those wise talks are beneficial to me and A HELL OF A LOT OF women and I sense that you might be a bit jealous of your sister because you are BLATANTLY LOOKING DOWN ON WOMEN WHO DON'T WANT TO SETTLE DOWN right away...claiming that all of us are going to be lonely and sad..thats a generalizationg that is NOT TRUE and really makes me mad...
<<>>>>
Au Contraire! I don't know who you are associating with but anyway, I SEE MANY MANY YOUNG MOTHERS THAT ARE UNHAPPY!
<<>>>>>
Ok, with all due respect to your sister...NOT ALL COLLEGE STUDENTS ARE PAMPERED AND HAVE HEARTS AS COLD AS STONE...and you are completely generalizing all college students to be that way.
I see you as a very close minded individual and I really hope you aren't teaching your children that being indpendent and not rushing into parenthood means that they're going to be bad people!!! Because it is SO NOT TRUE...
I can go on and on but its just going to make me more angry and frustrated because your responses are so unintelligent its not funny...
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- Re: I truly despise my mother. I rea... #35048
19 y
2,650
This is a reply to # 669,075I have been thru being a student an am now a parent. I know both issues.
>Yeah, thank God I am not because I don't think I've formed myself to the point of being able to create and raise another human being.
no one is ever formed to the point etc.
NO ONE EVER.
that is why being parents is not a theory to learn before practice.
> and I DON'T look down on young mothers...I'm just glad its not me and a lot of women would agree. You can't say thats judgement, its preference!
then give me another word for it, you who are so good with words, and keeping things vague...
>Furthermore, you're telling this girl to not focus on herself? She already seems emotionally unstable, so she should therefore go and raise a family feeling the way she feels about life and herself? Of course she lacks love and is not able to give any...so that is purely why she needs to focus on herself, and changing her attitude and what needs to be altered in her life. Relativize her point of view? First of
all, I don't think you can use that word in that context but in order for her to alter her point of view, she needs to focus on whats wrong within herself...
OK you're right.
you make lousy corrections
are you a student or an english teacher?
>Not everyone waits till they're 40 to have children!!! But they do wait till they're educated and secured in a job...so just because I am getting my education now in my early 20's, I'm doomed to be unmarried and not pregnant by 40? Give me a break...
You should not ask ME for a break , ask life for it. it just happens to be too late,
as it happened to many people I know.
I didn't say anything about YOUR choices. but 'children can wait' is just bogus they want women to believe. scroll the page and go read some good post about Lies of Feminism on this page.
all these "wise talks" , children can wait etc., seem to me just a business to make working class people lonely and unhappy, and still working hard to reach their 'happiness' .>>>
>So you're saying its wrong for society to deture women away from pregnancy before they are ready?
If you listen to them, you will never be ready.
>And while you may be an exception, many women aren't ready at 20 or even 25!
their bodies craves for pregnancy since they're about 18,( why do you think there are so many cases of PCOS in young women) but they were taught that childbearing is a burden, so they act like teens until they're in their late 30's.
>Lack of financial support may still be a problem when you are surrounded by loved ones because some families don't want to pay for their children's children! I definitely don't want my mom supporting me and my baby when I have one, I want to be able to do it myself, as an independent individual.
it's yr choice and you do not have to explain/justify it to me.
>I think it is EXTREMELY unfair for you to compare having children with the support of family to being painful and lonely?!?!?! That's ludacris to say that if you're not having children, you're in pain and lonely. NOT EVERYONE WANTS CHILDREN RIGHT AWAY.
I didn't say that, calm yourself down.
>You can be successful and single when you're young...thats what being young is all about! Being able to go out and have fun and at the same time not have to worry about anyone but yourself!!!
this 'young people'and 'have fun' talks are plain ideology to me, it seems to me that you're victim of a huge deception. the same about being 'single and successful'.
>I'm sorry but those wise talks are beneficial to me and A HELL OF A LOT OF women and I sense that you might be a bit jealous of your sister because you are BLATANTLY LOOKING DOWN ON WOMEN WHO DON'T WANT TO SETTLE DOWN right away...claiming that all of us are going to be lonely and sad..thats a generalizationg that is NOT TRUE and really makes me mad...
if it makes you so nuts, you should sit down and wonder why.
maybe deep in your heart you already know what the truth is.
look around,when women get 30, none of them is 'successful' anymore,
so then they try to 'settle down' ( by your own words of despise!), but often they find out it's too late.
>Ok, with all due respect to your sister...NOT ALL COLLEGE STUDENTS ARE PAMPERED AND HAVE HEARTS AS COLD AS STONE...
Indeed,I didn't say that.
>I see you as a very close minded individual and I really hope you aren't teaching your children that being indpendent and not rushing into parenthood means that they're going to be bad people!!! Because it is SO NOT TRUE...
I don't believe so. I wasn't talking about parenthood, but about ALL true/close relationships, which are not compatible with being " single and successful", nor with "having fun".
I said love is the only thing that makes life worth living, and posponing it is a tragic error. I do believe so. I do not judge anyone. People who "want to have fun' are very sad people. Period
>I can go on and on but its just going to make me more angry and frustrated because your responses are so unintelligent its not funny...
you're offensive and not actually trying to understand the things I wrote, Moreover, you're full of hatred.
I pray for you .
love
G.
- Re: I truly despise my mother. I rea... #29919
19 y
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This is a reply to # 669,075"Yeah, thank God I am not because I don't think I've formed myself to the point of being able to create and raise another human being. It's like marriages that happen early on in life... most don't last because each person is still growing and transforming."
NEWSFLASH!!!!! You will NEVER stop growing and transforming. Sorry to burst your bubble. Good thing you aren't pregnant or a parent because you are right, you aren't mature enough to be one.
- Re: I truly despise my mother. I rea... #35048
19 y
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- Re: I truly despise my mother. I rea... #47913
19 y
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- Re: I truly despise my mother. I rea... #35048
19 y
2,653
- Re: I truly despise my mother. I rea... #47913
19 y
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- Re: I truly despise my mother. I rea... #69242
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I think you are deeply hurt by your mothers actions or lack of. Although its so hard to see, but she does love you, of course she does. She just didnt know, or was not taught how. Her father and mother most likely did not teach her, or show her love. If you say she has a pull towards your brothers, then maybe she was not loved because she was a female.
Cut her some slack. Do you know what its like to become pregnant for nine months, and go through labor to the point where you think your going to die, then stay up all night feeding and changing a newborns diapers around the clock. ? So its " natural " to have a baby and raise it, but that does not mean it wasn't one of the hardest things to do!
She may have made a lot of mistakes, but look at people who have been in worse situations..... incest,drugs,foster homes,etc. It could be worse, so look at people below you so you may see your blessings.
I know your in a lot of pain. Maybe you are more a sensitive type of person and you see your mother as hurting you or having not done things but not feeling your pain?
Trust me- she does not remember, and does not know how. You have to look at it this way:
She is your mother
You cannot choose your family
This is your family
They dont know what your going through- they dont feel how you feel.
They love you- even though they may not show it how you'd want.
Accept them and dont expect them to change now.
What ever is bothering you, seek out books on the subject, read, talk to a friend.
It sounds like you want to start your life anew. Do it. Go to school part time, work part time. Strive. Set goals, plan to be independant.
Stop trying to get back at her by using her. Although your mad you cannot go about it this way. I think your mad because you may not be happy with your life and you are BLAMING your mother for everything. This is SO WRONG. Get up and do something about it. Start respecting yourself and start respecting your mother.
Love yourself and you will feel love. Angry all the time? Do you think your mother should pamper you and give you everything like a queen? You are 22. You have the world before you. Read all you can to regain your health. Dr. Clarks books are a must for you. Read and love yourself. Ask God to heal you inside and out, your body and soul. Ask him to guide you and keep you safe. All the while striving to make out of life what you desire.
Stop wallowing in anger and blame.
Start living and loving, accepting what is and what was and start by changing your future. Start living, stop hating.
- Re: I truly despise my mother. I rea... atalanta
19 y
2,598
This is a reply to # 669,042You really remind me of me when I was 15. I have to agree with the two previous posters. Blaming your mother for everything and sitting around feeling sorry for yourself will get you exactly where u r right now. Nowhere. Only you can change your life and only you can make it better, not your mother. Parents aren't perfect and They think they are doing the best for you and in their hearts its true, when in reality it may have been the compeleat opposite. I have hated my mom too, for so much I'm not going to bother writing, but there was no sence in tring to change her to work with me, and she'd never understand that she did anything wrong anyway. I had to get out, and I did and went away to college. I think being far away from my mother saved me and our relationship. Now she's dieing of cancer and it's one of the most painful experiances of my life. We never got to have an "adult" relationship. So my advice to you, change yourself, stop trying to change your mother, and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You beat cancer 4 times, that's remarkable, you can't balme your mom for causing it either. Why don't you sign up to a cmmunity cllege or take clases for a career, and start living your life. It's not going to happen, you have to make it happen.
- I hear ya!!!!!! Autumn
19 y
2,654
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Dear Sister,
Oh my word, I'm so sorry things are so painful! Being 22 can be confusing for anybody. And ya, it's hard to charge out there and change when you've had long term health problems which might very well be affecting your emotions as well. And of course you're irritable! You want your very own nest! That's perfectly understandable. (I think my mom is adorable but I can not spend a night at her house either.)
Are there 12 step groups in your area? A good (good!) meeting can be a low pressure way to sit back and listen to people talk about how they work on their problems and relationships.
This might sound totally nuts, but there are 2 web sites that really help me. I'm a WAY sad person but I log on here and they do help.
One is http://www.humankindness.org, it's actually for prisoners who are STUCK in their cells and hate it there and want some options and breathing space in their minds. Some it is kinda tough-love but I know the couple and they are fine people.
One is http://www.FlyLady.net, she has daily steps for gently gently combing our lives into harmony and order. You might think "what a stupid idea!" reading her steps and suggestions, but honestly this woman has really helped me.
I'd say wait on the car if you can at all; do you live in an area where it is at all possible to get about without one? Cars are money and some hassle, especially if you are not comfortable with driving!
And to go out on a limb here, it can be good to stay away from alcohol, drugs, or sex if at all possible. When a young woman is confused they can really obscure the view.
Talk back some more. Who are you when you're not busy coping with Mom?
Blessings,
A- What really matters... #4715
19 y
2,688
This is a reply to # 669,047is that you are a human being and suffer consequences (the reason that matters is that you not only have a right to be happy, but a duty to yourself regardless of other people's indifference). Family is very important, it is our introduction to life. Family is how we learn to deal with and understand it ('it' meaning 'the people', people don't want to accept responsibility for mistreating the other person, so they choose to blame it on 'life', it's time to put a stop to that). Parents have a God-given responsibility to properly care for their children and very often selfishly neglect that responsibility (yes, that's the horrible realization of why there are so many young people in jail,...because they finally got caught giving back to the world what they got from it).
Right now you have enough to overcome, so for the near future, ease up on the idea of the marriage and children goal, that will come later, but right now, you don't need that extra pressure. Don't conform to society's or other people's expectations, what really matters now is YOUR happiness. Of course other people have a right to be happy, so don't infringe on their right UNJUSTLY (and you are qualified to be the judge of what is just, don't let other people dictate to you), but consider yourself on a mission from God to make your life meaningful and happy so that you can thank Him for life (consider that an obligation).
Don't HATE (or even let yourself become obsessed with being dissatisfied or disliking) your family, it's almost like a plant hating the ground it grew from. If you grow up hating (even ACTIVELY being dissatisfied with) your family, you will, psychologically, have low self-esteem and always do egotistical, stupid and crazy things to counteract and compensate for that).
All throughout life, people will attempt to convince you that they are qualified to give you advice (even though they are only spectators) and that you should consider yourself subordinate, needy, eager to please them, and submit to their advice. But you are only needy, subordinate, weak and stupid if you choose to think you are ("I think, therefore I am", the rule of human behavior).
A person only has a 'chip on their shoulder' if they seek revenge on society (people will label others as having a 'chip on their shoulder' for two reasons,...out of weakness to be compassionate and inability and unwillingness to respect anybody else's pain, and out of necessity (because if they let themselves care about you, they would not be able to accomplish their schemes), but you have a legitimate reason to be upset, you are a survivor (and have a 'survivor's wisdom' and can now be compassionate to other people because you can identify with others).
As for the car, all it really takes to be a good driver is patience and serenity. It is understandable that, right now, you are not overflowing with either, but, give it time and as you learn to get off your case, patience and serenity will not just be qualities, but attitudes.
By now, you might notice that it is not only your mother who makes trouble in your life, but that you have been conditioned to accept mistreatment from others too (realizing this is the only way to fully recover from the damage caused by family). People see that you are a 'thinker' and conscientious. So they will choose their words carefully in order to impose shame, guilt, humiliation and intimidation on you so that they can manipulate you (they want a piece of you, watch out for these 'predators', learn to recognize them).
So, stop thinking of yourself as a loser, you aren't, you're just not a juvenile delinquent that has run away or turned to a life of crime because life hasn't given you a family to be proud of. Instead of just becoming a bitter person and ending up in jail because you gave back to the world what you got from it, you have reacted to your situation sentimentally instead of just simply emotionally (your heart won't let you).
Get to know yourself.
Learn to love yourself and others will too (especially because you haven't conformed to society and become plastic). You will find that you are more 'real' than many people if you have the courage for introspection and discover yourself.
God bless you
- Re: What really matters... Deotima
19 y
2,569
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All the good practical advice given on this site will only make you feel bad if you can't act on it. It sounds to me as if you have a realy old birth /early life trauma unresolved. The ongoing resentment to your Mom may even be pre speach. Just for fun look up the work of Dr Arthur Janov called Primal Therapy. You are only 22 I am 60 and had unresolved resentment to my Mum all her life [She died last year,aged 93 and I was her carer until her death] When I read Dr Janov's 'The New Primal Scream' every page brought a new reverlation to me, so much truth. I am, even at my age, going to start therapy. Don't leave it too late to have a good working relationship with your Mom like I did. Love and Light Deotima
- Re: What really matters... Deotima
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- What really matters... #4715
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- Re: I truly despise my mother. I rea... rsudler
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This is a reply to # 669,042I also hated my mom for a really long time. I moved out at 17 because I simply couldnt live with her. Luckily, I had a friend whos family was generous enough to let me live with them until I finished Highschool. Finally, I just accepted that she is the way she is, and probably will never change.
You have to stop hating your family because your situation will never improve if you don't. These feelings you are having are very destructive and will eventually kill you if you don't change your thought process.
Other posters have given good advice on things for you to try. Also, there's nothing wrong with ranting every now and then. Just try not to do it all the time. - Re: I truly despise my mother. I rea... lemonysnickers
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2,615
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Your situation is all too common...Mom or Dad wasn't perfect so now you blame all your problems on them. It's really just an excuse, a reason to fail. Hey...GROW UP!! She probably did the BEST she could with what she knew, may even have issues of her own, but this is YOUR LIFE...you aren't hurting anyone but yourself.
I am a Christian so I would recommned reading the Bible, and praying, Lord knows it got me through a lot of things, and it continues to.
And did you know...it is wrong not to honor your parents...it's one of the ten commandments. If you can't honor and respect her(meaning not using her too) then you really should move.
I'll conclude by saying this: You cover a lot of issues in your post. You need to seek counseling, therapy, SOMETHING! because you are feeling a lot of pain, and you don't have any solutions. Take the good advice. See someone about your issues before you look up one day, and ten years have passed and you'll be sorry you wasted your time hating and not forgiving.- Re: I truly despise my mother. I rea... MrCooties
19 y
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This is a reply to # 669,066I agree that #49373 should get past her hate and blame and that she should focus on the future without letting her past interfere with her moving on.
However I completely disagree that parents "always did their best". This type of thinking, along with "unconditional forgiveness" often leads to people not taking responsibility for their own actions, and thus creates problems for others and for their own future. It often dumps undeserved issues on the son/daughter when the parent is at fault, and it encourages the same behavior to be repeated when they become parents, Parents often take out unresolved parental problems on their own kids because they were told to give unconditional respect and honor to their parents. Why even try to be a good parent yourself when you have been told that "parents always do their best" regardless of what they do? Parents can abuse their power over children. Parents may demand unconditional honor and respect from their kids the first 18 years of their kid's life, but those parents than have the rest of their lives to live with any bad decisions they made. When their kids are 30 and don't visit because they were neglected or abused mentally or physically 20 years earlier, who pays for it? Parents very often don't do their best, and they often pay for it decades later.
#49373 could be completely justified in feeling that her mother treated her badly or neglected her. Should she dwell on it? No. She should address it, learn from it, and move on with her life... and remember those life lessons so that when she has children she doesn't repeat her mother's mistakes. Religion does harm when it gives free passes to those unworthy, gives automatic status regardless of actions, and releases people from accountability. Thus religion can drag the problem out over multiple generations and can do more harm than good.
#49373 - You are doing the right thing by focusing on moving out and becoming self-sufficient. This is one of the best things you can do to help family issues. The stress alone of living with parents at 22 is enough to drive most people crazy - that's human nature, you need to leave the nest. When you are in a new place your family issues will likely become easier to deal with, mostly because you will be too busy with your own life to dwell on past problems. Moving out, becoming self-sufficient, and leading a happy life will make your past problems seem much smaller.
The family you grew up with is not the family that you will have soon if you want it. Meet new people, make new friends, and start a new family with the lessons your old family has taught you. It may seem absurd to you now, but all of those bad things that happened to you can enrich your life for the better if you let it. All of the painful things you have suffered are all priceless lessons that you can use to raise your own kids the correct way. Give your daughter the love and attention that your mother didn't give you. Teach your kids how to eat healthy and how to drive safely, and how to be respectful of others. Tell them how your family growing up had lots of problems and explain to them why you love them and why you must have open and honest communication. Above all perhaps, remember that the way you raise and treat your children will greatly affect the relationship you have with them after they grow up and are on their own.
22 is very young. In 10 years you can be happy with new friends and a new family, or bitter and still stuck dealing with old family issues. It is your choice.
- Very good Mr.Cooties Alikat
19 y
2,603
This is a reply to # 669,067Advertisement
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This is excellent and well reasoned advice. And by the way, In all fairness I have to say that it is not 'religion' that gives free passes to people who are not accountable for their behaviour. Generally it is recommended by religious as well as secular counselors to forgive as a means of letting go. Forgiveness simply loosens the stronghold that it has on the offended, that does not mean that the offender should be free from experiencing the consequences for their bad actions.
Religion is much like our laws, you can interpret them in some rigid manner, or you can seek for a deeper meaning, as in the expression 'the spirit of the law'. The fact that so many people take the laws to mean all kinds of things does not mean that there was anything wrong with the laws in the first place, only in the ways that individuals perceive or apply them.
I agree with just about every poster here that this young lady needs to get on with her life and release herself from the venom that is consuming her every moment. It is not serving her any purpose and she does need to function in spite of everything she has endured. Whether someday she can come back and reunite with her family as a whole and mature person only time will tell, but it will never happens until she makes a brave decision to survive in spite of all odds, and even better if she can do it without bitterness.- Glad you liked it... MrCooties
19 y
2,528
This is a reply to # 669,068I agree with you as well and I should be more clear when I refer to *corrupt religion* for lack of a better term. When a religion says to "honor/respect thy mother and father" I believe it comes with an implied duty of parents to treat their children the same way. All things unearned are eventually paid for, and if someone abuses those who show them honor and respect, I believe they will eventually pay for it in some way. With great power (over children) comes great responsibility, and not all parents are responsible.
My focus was that this girl should not be automatically written off as unjustified as other posters stated (some in the name of religion) just because she is the daughter of a parent. There is so much abuse of children and to make all kids feel responsible and guilty regardless of what their parents did or did not do... that's just abusing parental/adult power over powerless children. Parents raise kids, kids do not raise themselves. This girl should not feel guilty for anything that she is not guilty of. She should not carry mental burdens of feeling responsible for things that she did not cause. Only she can judge for herself who is responsible, and she has to live with her decision.
Forgiveness too is a double edged sword. Some people are healed by forgiving others, but for some it just prolongs suffering by not addressing the issue with the wrongdoer. It can give them excuse to repeat the wrong because they expect that they will be forgiven again. Some people forgive themselves. Some move on by saying "I do not and will never forgive you for what you did to me. I am moving on and am leaving with you the burden that you placed on me. I am free and I hope (or not) you can get through your burden" Bottom line is I think forgiveness has very different meanings for different people, and each person's interpretation dictates how it can be used to heal them. This also applies to the wrongdoer - a wrongdoer may see forgiveness as weakness or as a reason to not change their wrongful ways.
- We're on the same page...:-) Alikat
19 y
2,554
This is a reply to # 669,069Advertisement
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I see forgiveness as a way to release the bitterness so that there is room for healing, but in no way do I see forgiveness as a means to pat someone in the head whose actions have been totally reproachable. In cases were there is any kind of a toxic relationship, I always say, "let 'em go and leave". In no way should anyone, whether a child, spouse or whatever, feel like they should have to erase all the records of wrongs in order to become a doormat again. No way!
I agree with you that forgiveness is different things to different people. I have heard the total unconditional forgiveness line myself, in which as you say, it leaves the perpetrator a ticket to repeat offenses. I don't think this is what forgiveness means even in the strictest Christian sense. I also believe that people who see it that way are using religion in a way to suit their own understanding and personal comfort.
I also don't think that forgivenesss requires in every case that you go up to the person and say I wimpy "I forgive you" when there has been no repentance or willingness to change out of that person. It is simply a decision you make inside of yourself (and before God, if that's where you are) that you will no longer carry the destructive anger and bitterness, or desire for revenge, but that you'll work on who you are and what you are to become. This is a whole diferent ball game, and it is what even the strictest followers of Christianity can and should strive for. Then again, I don't believe for one minute that someone who is NOT a follower of Christianity can be made to follow the guidelines of what they don't know or accept, but that's a whole other topic, different forum...:-) Although, now that I'm on the topic, there is also a verse in scripture that says that parents are not to mistreat or exasperate their children, how 'bout them apples, huh? Say nothing of the fact that the "rod" of correction does not mean hitting with a stick, but people conviniently ignore these things so they can bent their anger on their kids with an excuse....
If you had/have kids Mr.Cooties, you must be a really good Dad ~♥~
- Re: We're on the same page...:-) MrCooties
19 y
2,505
This is a reply to # 669,072Thanks Alikat that means a lot! I think you just made my day :)
Same to you, your kids are very lucky to have a mother who thinks about this kind of stuff and I'm sure it shows in them. I remember you said you had kids in one of your posts a while back if my memory is correct...
I think people are more alike than they are different and want the same things, they just have different ways of getting there. If more people had the chance to dialogue and understand each other there wouldn't be so much unnecessary conflict and suffering in the world.
- Re: We're on the same page...:-) Cynthia777
19 y
2,792
This is a reply to # 669,074Advertisement
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Don't know what "religion" you guys are refering to but the Bible says we are to forgive others that our Father in heaven will forgive us. Forgiveness doesn't mean that we allow an offender to walk all over us. Forgiveness is for the person forgiving...it releases bitterness and hostility...lethal things that can cause a miriad of problems ...physical, emotional and spiritual...and it releases the Holy Spirit to do a work in the offender's life.
Regarding parents and respecting them: Yes, the bible says we need to respect our parents. They are the authority that God has set up and have an awesome responsibility in bringing up children. If they do wrong against their children then God will hold them accountable. We are to show them respect as our parents but that doens't mean if they demand something from us that goes against biblical principles that we are to do what they say.
I have always had a bit of a volitile relationship with my mother. I've hated her at times. In these past few years I've had to deal with this....basically because I have my own children and do not want this passed down to them to come back on me. You reap what you sow, you know. So through prayer and meditation on the Word I've been able to forgive my mother and understand that she may never change and be the ultimate mom I would have liked to have. Sometimes when we talk on the phone she still says things meant as a slam to me. I laugh them off now...or if I'm having a bad day I will tell her what she said is inappropriate...but I still show her respect in that if she needs my help for something I will go help her. I plant her a garden every year for mother's day...I deal with her crap as best I can and show her sompassion where I can. Why? because how can she see Christ if I can't demonstrate Christ-like love toward her? And in showing her love, the bitterness that I could have held inside melts away. I am blessed for my sacrifice.
Regarding the OP and their problem...I will tell you the same thing I've told others. You may have had satan as your parent. Now you are an adult and your life is in your own hands. Each decision you make will have a lasting effect on your life and YOU are the one responsible for that. If you choose to stay and "use" your mom you will only resent her more...and continue to blame her for all the things you hate about yourself.
I suggest taking steps to cut the umbilical cord. I know it is scary because then you will not have her to blame for your faliures...and you will have times when you fail. But you will also experience freedom and life and perhaps you will be able to see things from a different perspective and understand that maybe your mom didn't try so hard to derail your life...maybe life for her while you were growing up wasn't a bowl of cherries.
Get going and grow up and you will see things from an adult perspective and hopefully gain some insight into your circumstances.
Start sowing some love.
- Re: We're on the same page...:-) Cynthia777
19 y
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- Re: We're on the same page...:-) MrCooties
19 y
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- We're on the same page...:-) Alikat
19 y
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- Glad you liked it... MrCooties
19 y
2,528
Expand 22 messages, 21 to 42 of 42 parismatch
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- Very good Mr.Cooties Alikat
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- Re: I truly despise my mother. I rea... MrCooties
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- Re: I truly despise my mother. I rea... #35048
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