I truly despise my mother. I really do.

and yet I can't get away from her. I'm beyond hate, I feel nothing for her but numbness. Being in a room with her is like being in a room with a stranger. I just hate her..and the worst part about it is she has no clue why.

So I've been playing her for the past few years now. Yep, using her for rides and a house. I had cancer 4 times and I feel that hey maybe if she didn't feed me Mcdonalds as a kid every night so she didn't have to cook and could tend to my baby brother or her bf... Then hey maybe the cancer wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't got fat. I could go on forever, there's way too much. It's too deep.
I've been collecting disability for some other reason, that I also hold her responsible for.

Yeah I know, I'm too old now (22) to be blaming things on my mommy. But it's like I can't get away from her or get my own life. I have no friends (also blamed on mommy, I never learned social skills since she doesn't have any and sheltered me for so long)

Really... How the hell do you get away from your mother, start in a new town far far away and get your own damn life when you're 22yrs too late?

So far my plan is to get a car asap since all these clearance sales are going on. I can afford that once I find the right dealer and car. But then of course the problem is I suck at driving since mommy would never teach me and I had no one else. I have my license though(which was way too easy to get, I can't drive for shit), so guess I'll be driving around times like 5am when traffic is dead.

I want to get a job.. but unfortunatley I'll be stuck at something min wage since I still have no clue what to do with my life. Jobs are easier said than done though, especially for someone who sucks at social skills in real life.


UGH. I hate her. I can't stand existing in the same room/house/town with her anymore. She still and always puts my brother first and now her stupid dog. I think she's so good to them because deep down she knows she sucked with me. She's better with boys, she's a tomboy herself. Unfortunatley for her she had a daughter first and didn't know wtf to do with it. Now that my brother is a teen, I'm seeing her act so much different with him and it's driving me f**king nuts. After seeing her say something so opposite to what she did/said to me when I was his age.. I went and got drunk because it brought back so many memories. Usually I avoid it and stay in my room 24/7 but today I unfortunatley had to witness something. She has noo clue. I hide it good. I treat her like an aquantaince, respect and keep the peace, small talk.. while it's killing me inside to even be talking to her. I hate her. The end.

Actually.. I hate the whole family I was born in. I'm so different from all of them. I rather do something productive tahn sit around the christmas tree talking about some fight another family had. They are all pathetic. Sure, I'm a loser..but I don't consider myself pathetic enough to talk about drama. THEY ALL SUCK I WANT MY OWN LIFE AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET IT! :(
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