Re: I truly despise my mother. I really do.

I came in late into this discussion, and I have only read the first part of the posts in this thread.

Generational issues are very complex and no one can really understand completely what another person has gone through in their life and how hard it is to break off the family dynamics and start fresh. The wounds are very real and very deep, and require deep inner healing. Sometimes this type of healing takes time, to unravel the layers of wounding embedded in the soul and heart.

It is a spiritual issue.

I agree with the other poster, that the first step is to cry out to God and ask for help - sometimes there are invisible bands around us that constrain us from grasping and attaining to the help we need. The whole discussion is not whether to go to school or to have babies...these are peripheral issues that don't deal with the heart of the matter. Only the one who created us has the power to reach down and help pull us out of the miry clay that we are bogged down in. Sometimes when I've gotten myself in a jam that I don't know the way out, I just cry out and ask God to DRAW ME TO HIMSELF AND THE WAY OF ESCAPE. It never fails that supernatural things start to align themselves thru 'coincidences' and a path appears that will lead me out of where I have been stuck and feeling oppressed.

In this type of situation spoken of in your post, there is always a deep sense of rejection and abandonment that has to be taken care of at the root. We are innocent lambs brought into a cruel and imperfect world. We were created to receive and give love, and the world does not give us what we need. Our parents are imperfect (just as we are not perfect), and they are still dealing with the things that their prior generations have handed them. The iniquitous bents of the forefathers are passed down the generations. As helpless little children, we didn't deserve to be rejected or abandoned, but we have to ultimately get healed of these things or else we die inside. The cancer you are experiencing recurrently is a sign that you are in deep pain and you need intervention!!

The mind is amazing. In an effort to preserve the 'whole man' and 'core person' at all costs, the mind will insulate deep pain and trauma in an amnesiatic barrier and will build up defenses to counter this assault on the person. Generally, the creative mind will, either in a small or major way, create like another personality (some call it an alter personality) within the person to deal with the pain and guard off future attacks. For example, a person who subconsciously decided at some point in childhood that they could not deal with pain/trauma such as severe rejection, might become 'tough' or 'rebellious' or 'angry' etc. There is actually another (sometimes very mild) personality within the person that performs this function of protecting the person. This is more common in humans than we realize, even if very mild.

I noticed in your post that the angry part of you was raging at the time you wrote that. The angry 'you' is protecting the part of you that is hurting. You needed that protection when you were helpless and young and hurting---and in some fashion it served you well for a time when you could do nothing else to protect yourself. You were little when 'angry' took over and had no other solutions. It was a good thing - because otherwise you might have been too overwhelmed by the pain.

But now, you need a more complete deliverance from your inner turmoil. God is the only one who has the power to help diagnose and heal those gaping heart wounds and release you from the demons of hate and anger and rage and cancer.

This does entail a process of asking for forgiveness of God and others for areas that we have transgressed, and forgiving others. Jesus often spoke in parables, and gave an illustration of forgiveness and its relationship to our torment. In one parable, a servant was forgiven a great debt, and then when owed pennies by another man, had him thrown into prison because he could not pay. Jesus said (Matt. 18) that we have been forgiven (by God) a GREAT debt that we could not pay - how can we hold another's debt, minor in comparison, over their head? If we do not forgive, we will be turned over to the tormentors.

That is why we feel that sometimes feel those old demons of bitterness, rage, revenge, anger, etc.....and cannot allow us any rest or release. In this type of situation, many seemingly positive approaches and suggestions to help the situation will not offer any relief or assistance. That is why the talk about going to school or having babies is immaterial, in my opinion. Because the root problem is not being dealt with.

I work in helping people with these types of problems. If you want to email me, I would be glad to speak with you, etc. I have seen amazing things happen in people - it's awesome!

I pray that you will find the answers that you seek for - and that your feet are soon placed on a path that will lead you to a place of peace and health!



(below is the scripture verse that I referred to):

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The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant
Matthew 18

21 Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”
22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. 23 Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. 25 But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and that payment be made. 26 The servant therefore fell down before him, saying, ‘Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ 27 Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt.
28 “But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and he laid hands on him and took him by the throat, saying, ‘Pay me what you owe!’ 29 So his fellow servant fell down at his feet[d] and begged him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’[e] 30 And he would not, but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt. 31 So when his fellow servants saw what had been done, they were very grieved, and came and told their master all that had been done. 32 Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. 33 Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?’ 34 And his master was angry, and delivered him to the tormentors until he should pay all that was due to him.
35 “So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.”[f]

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