|
Codependency and Trauma 10 y
How my childhood traumas created a sense of helplessness and unworthiness
Having been raised in the dsyfunction of alcoholism, I became acquainted with the term, "codependency," early in my alcoholic parent's recovery. She attended AA, religiously, and introduced me to Alateen. Later, as I became an adult, I moved on to Alanon meetings, and attended some open AA meetings, myself. I had always associated codependency with addictive personalities and the dynamics of addictive dysfunction. Well, that's simply not true.
Codependency, as far as I've observed in myself, developed in early childhood via a series o ... read more Well, hello, Wise Mind! 10 y
Living in "The Now" and the wisdom of the Self
I've recently been introduced to my "Wise Mind." This is the mind that I want to develop and live within, and it's an enlightening journey getting there.
What is a "Wise Mind?" It's the thinking and reaonsing processes that are a result of an equal pairing of the "Emotional Mind" and the "Practical Mind." The Emotional Mind is overdeveloped for those who have experienced extreme and/or long-term emotional and physical traumas - the feelings (emotions) supercede all other perceptions. An example might be ... read more Resentment, Forgiveness, and, Oh MY!!! 11 y
Resentment prevents forgiveness. Without forgiveness, healing cannot take place.
So.....the topic of "forgiveness" often comes up as a part of emotional, spiritual, and physical recovery and healing. Although I had understood this concept, I had been long in learning how resentment literally prevented "forgiveness," even of the Self.
Resentment isn't just a concept. It is a pathological obsession with events that festers like a rampant infection. It is born of a personal injury, slight, trauma, or event that we take personally. As resentment develops into a pathology, it becomes familiar . That familiarity b ... read more If It Smells, It's Rotten 11 y
Building boundaries and recognizing toxic people
So, I was recently involved in a discussion about ”acceptance” that sparked a lot of insight and some great metaphors where the disordered are concerned. I wanted to share this in case anyone reading might still be wrangling with indisputable evidence that they’re involved with a toxic individual.
First of all, what IS a ”toxic” person? Many, many books and articles have discussed this, at great length. To put it in as much of a nutshell as I can, a ”toxic” person is someone who is unhealthy to us. Whether it’s emotionally, physically, sexually, spiritually, or financially, a ”toxic ... read more It doesn't have to be "Romantic" 11 y
Betrayal runs across the boards
Walking this Healing Path has brought me to some strange places, and each sidetrack has had ”A Lesson” for me, in some way.
I recently discovered that I had been betrayed by my Student Adviser, boss, and Director of a facility where I earned my certification which, oh-by-the-way, is as useless as a fish with a bicycle.
The way that I discovered this was that another former professor was asking me, all summer, about what happened with my Degree - how far was I from earning my degree before I switched my major?
I had previously attended college many years ago, didn’t finish up at ... read more How to tell 11 y
Who presents a threat and how personal trauma attracts disorder
When is it okay to tell someone about my experiences? Time tells. Behaviors tell. Personal views and opinions tell me whether or not it is ”safe” to disclose my experiences.
The people who might be interested will have various motives for their interest. For some, they may have genuine concern for my situation and will listen and ”allow” me to vent. Others might have an interest in my situation as a source of entertainment. Those types might appear to show interest and concern, but they will tip their proverbial hand, at some point, and clearly indicate that they are ”listening” s ... read more Recovery: The Journey 11 y
...not the destination
So, it’s been nearly 2 years since I was aware that ”something” was wrong in my marriage to the exspath. Since that time, I’ve experienced some of the most fantastic and unimaginable events. From facing homelessness to living in conditions that challenged my will to survive, I’ve come a long way.
I’m still reeling from my experiences and I suffer symptoms of PSTD. Sleepless nights, recurring nightmares, hyper vigilance, distrust, and other emotional issues are the norm. But, I’m getting there one tiny step at a time.
Recovery is a journey, not a destination. For those who have e ... read more 50 Shades Of.... 11 y
Where is our species headed?
......omigod, why?
Right. So, this is a rant and reasonable, and sound responses are welcome.
With the marketing of the porn novel, ”50 Shades Of Gray,” I’ve come to accept that our society, as a whole, is going down the tubes in a quick hurry.
Yes, yes......”...to each his own...” is fine by me. But, there are some things that ramp up the ante with human behaviors. There are some aspects of human behavior that are, for the most part, unacceptable.
Every facet of human behavior has become acceptable, and it’s a caveat to every human being involved in, or considering, a long- ... read more Identifying Trauma 11 y
Processing past and present traumas
So, the work that I’ve been doing in my recovery has been frought with fear and loathing: fear of ”feeling” past (and, present) traumas, and ”loathing” because I am fearful of the past.
One of the most valuable steps that I’ve experienced in this process is meeting my ”inner child.” From this concept, all of the traumas that I experienced as a child have been the determining factors of virtually every decision that I’ve ever made.
Anyone who was raised in a dysfunctional home has experienced trauma. Whether the environment was alcoholic, drug-dependant, abusive (physically, sexual ... read more "Law Of Attraction" 11 y
How childhood trauma and core-issues attract and invite toxic people into our lives
In my previous life, I interpreted the ”Law Of Attraction” as being a mystical and unattainable enlightenment except for a chosen few. Those chosen few were of a personality type that I aspired to be: all-accepting; all-loving; all-positivity; all-healing.
In my recovery from my past experiences, I’ve begun to process what the ”Law Of Attraction” is, and how it applies to me, specifically.
What this concept is NOT is:
* if I toss positive vibes out into the Universe, positive results will automatically follow
* if I maintain a positive attitude, I will generate healthy friend ... read more PSTD, Recovery, and Past Traumas 11 y
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and my past issues
As Spring has begun, I’ve forced myself to leave my dwelling - it’s very easy to slip into avoidance and become a hermit instead of recovering and becoming a ”part” of the human race.
Any trauma creates a host of issues for all survivors and regardless of the trauma. For those who have past traumas that were never addressed, PSTD can develop to a point where it becomes unmanageable. For me, my past traumas were never acknowledged, much less addressed. So, I’ve been living in a state of post traumatic stress for the better part of my life. Add a ”new” trauma on top of past issues, an ... read more Acceptance, Healing, and Recovery 11 y
Acceptance leads to personal healing and recovery
After the exspath left our marital home, I fell into a vortex of fear, panic, anxiety, and desperation that I had previously never even imagined to exist. At that time, I was unemployed and extremely sick from the auto-immune disorder that had laid me low, years before.
I was left with no income, no access to joint accounts, no computer to check said accounts, a mortgage that was being ”accelerated” into foreclosure, a car loan and utilities that were all in arrears of no less than 3 months, and change in a glass jar. The financial arrears were a complete surprise - I had no idea th ... read more Now That It's Over 11 y
Amend or Repeal "No Fault" Divorce
So, the divorce ”trial” could have been avoided, months and months ago. What should have been my opportunity to present the evidence of forgery, coercion, and a clearly falsified marriage dwindled down to hours of negotiation. Because the State where the divorce was filed holds ”No Fault,” there exists no legal remedies for what was stolen from me. My divorce is done, I am grateful that I am free of the disease, and there’s no need to go into the details of the settlement. Suffice it to say that I will never recover what was taken from me during my lifetime. And, so it goes.
Having ... read more Boundaries Across The Board 11 y
Core-issues and boundaries are vital to maintain
As I’m moving forward (generally speaking) in my recovery from my sociopathic experiences, I’m beginning to recognize how my childhood experiences formed extensive core-issues that impacted every choice and decision that I ever made. Most of my choices and decisions were "fear-based" upon a strong "shame-core." This latter term can be searched on the internet and speaks directly to a system of beliefs that a child (or, adult victim) is ingrained with because of various experiences that have caused them to feel that they are, somehow, responsible for other pe ... read more When Dreams Speak 11 y
Dreams speak volumes
It’s been almost 16 months since I discovered the double-life of the exspath, over 14 months since he directly spoke to me to demand money, and about 13 months since I learned the extent of his betrayals as per the truths about what happened to my personal investments and finances.
During this stretch of time, I have been plagued by disturbing, frightening, and terrifying dreams on a regular basis. Most of the symbolism in these dreams related to the emotional and financial damages that I suffered, and my lack of control. Other symbolism was directly related to my lack ... read more "All About Me" 11 y
Healing and recovery through self-examination
Happy New Year, and may this year be one of recovery for everyone in mind, and in body.
With the New Year (and, the past couple of months), my recovery from my experiences with a sociopathic spouse has eased from ”All About What HE Did” into ”All About Me.” AAM (all about me) is not to be interpreted as a ”selfish” approach. Quite the contrary, AAM is a hard and pragmatic assessment of who I am, my core issues, and my system of beliefs - all of these things allowed for a predator to exploit even my greatest strengths and warp them into vulnerabilities. So, it’s a self-examination of ... read more Expectations and Sociopathy 12 y
Important events and holidays are perfect times for abusers to harm
For the past year, I’ve been writing this blog anonymously for legal reasons. At this point, I no longer care whether or not the exspath worm knows that I’m writing of my experiences and recovery. He’s a lost cause and is a predatory human being, and may he reap what he has sown, ten times over.
The heading of this entry has to do with my past ”expectations” of the Holiday Season and the truths about how those expectations were used to create harm.
The first exspath was an extraordinarily abusive and violent man. Any ”special occasion” was used as a tool of manipulation and/or coe ... read more |