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How to tell
Who presents a threat and how personal trauma attracts disorder
Date: 9/1/2013 11:41:55 AM ( 11 y ) ... viewed 9618 times When is it okay to tell someone about my experiences? Time tells. Behaviors tell. Personal views and opinions tell me whether or not it is "safe" to disclose my experiences.
The people who might be interested will have various motives for their interest. For some, they may have genuine concern for my situation and will listen and "allow" me to vent. Others might have an interest in my situation as a source of entertainment. Those types might appear to show interest and concern, but they will tip their proverbial hand, at some point, and clearly indicate that they are "listening" simply for their own curiosity and not as an ear of compassion. Still others will nod their heads, and dismiss my experiences as unbelievable or having been my own fault - that I somehow deserved what a predatory human being chose to do.
But, these behaviors are only observed over time. And, in a past life, I wouldn't hesitate or even govern what I disclosed to anyone - such was the depth of my personal neediness to be accepted, approved of, validated, appreciated, and loved. This - this primary issue - is precisely what every disordered person was able to hone in on with surgical precision and use to their fullest advantages.
What is it that makes a person so horribly "needy?" Trauma. Trauma, abandonment, dismissal, and being made "undeserving," "un-loveable," and "unworthy." This is either done in childhood, or by a later trauma that could be an abusive relationship, spiritual cult scam, or a traumatic event like an airplane disaster. Always, some form of trauma and/or loss is experienced that causes someone to "feel" unworthy and undeserving.
"Un-loveable?" What does that even MEAN?! Well, in layman's terms, the perception of being "un-loveable" simply means that nothing that I did was ever "right." I was never smart enough, thin enough, athletic enough, popular enough, pretty enough, witty enough, or any other stipulations that spoke of self-esteem.
How can anyone feel that they are "un-loveable?" Everyone is capable of "love," aren't they? The answer to that is a resounding, "No." "Love" is a sentiment - a concept that begins with feeling safe, secure, and worthy of FEELING safe and secure.
Individuals who are raised in a dysfunctional environment are traumatized, without fail. Either emotionally, physically, nutritionally, sexually, or spiritually, they are damaged early on. Whether that damage is inflicted with deliberate intent, or whether that damage is the result of a sudden loss, the results are the same. Bar none.
As time goes on, this journey becomes less and less terrifying and more of a personal mandate. If there is any truth to reincarnation or "past lives" or other dimensions, I never, ever, EVER want to experience my lifetime, again. Not ever.
I have contributed virtually nothing positive during my lifetime. I have accomplished nothing positive in most of my personal relationships and friendships. I have surrounded myself (willingly, or unwillingly) with disordered people, and disorder, in general. If my life's lessons are to have any meaning for me, at all, I must make a choice to reach down, dig the dirt, and plant new seeds.
One of the things that I'm having a difficult time with, lately, is my own self-worth. I loathe and blame myself for having been targeted and conned out of my finances by another human being. Often, I feel that I somehow deserved what was done to me - I somehow invited my own self-destruction. On rare occasions, I feel that I will emerge from this mess, someday.
But, the one thing that I have gained from this series of experiences is a trust in my intuition: I have more faith in my instincts, nowadays. I no longer talk about myself to other people about anything (and, I do mean: anything) that involves my personal feelings, beliefs, experiences, or my Self. I am finally able to discern who is a threat to my recovery, and who is benign.
For those of us who have experienced childhood and adult traumas that remain unresolved, it is a matter of tremendous importance that we examine those traumas, FEEL them and call them what they were: abuse; random acts of violence; rape; molestaion; domestic violence; fraud; natural disaster; emotional loss; financial ruin; whatever that trauma was. Pretending that the trauma(s) never happened creates and emotional abscess - the infection is buried deep beneath but our own actions, behaviors, words, and beliefs are symptoms of the infection of trauma.
For those of us who are aware of our traumas, it is vital to "get help" in sorting them out so that we can excise, expel, and cleanse those wounds and recover.
I don't know where I am in my recovery, but I know that this is a daily challenge - sometimes, a minute-by-minute challenge.
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