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Identifying Trauma
Processing past and present traumas
Date: 6/23/2013 9:12:13 AM ( 11 y ) ... viewed 9176 times So, the work that I've been doing in my recovery has been frought with fear and loathing: fear of "feeling" past (and, present) traumas, and "loathing" because I am fearful of the past.
One of the most valuable steps that I've experienced in this process is meeting my "inner child." From this concept, all of the traumas that I experienced as a child have been the determining factors of virtually every decision that I've ever made.
Anyone who was raised in a dysfunctional home has experienced trauma. Whether the environment was alcoholic, drug-dependant, abusive (physically, sexually, emotionally, etc.), co-dependant, p 0 r n addict, or any other dynamic that creates drama/trauma, ANY child raised in such an environment was traumatized. The messages were clear to that child: you're not "worthy," you're not "love-able," your'e not deserving, you're not safe, you're not valid, you're not good enough, and you're not wanted.
These beliefs were inflicted upon traumatized children through no fault of their own. Because a child is 100% OBLIGATED to trust the adults in whose care they are in, a child has no options of safety, even if DCF or Social Services intervenes. These beliefs are so deeply ingrained during the most impressionable years that the child carries these faulty beliefs with them throughout their lives.
I'm working on this, on a daily basis. I am feeling more and more confident in my recovery, though I still suffer terribly from PSTD symptoms and extreme anxiety. This is just part and parcel of trauma, and it will abate, in due time.
At the beginning of this week, I was legally required to drive to another State to finalize and settle the "short sale" of a dwelling that I had invested roughly 50K of cash equity in, and subsequently lost due to the choices of the exspath spouse. Because I was left destitute and disabled (progressively so), it was an absolute juggling act to generate the finances to make this trip, at all. Add to that the fact that I was receiving not one red cent of my invested equity, and it was simply a hateful event that I was dreading - sufficient enough to create a terrible state of anxiety. Having typed that, the whole thing wasn't that bad, all in all, although it was revisiting past traumas that generated some intense anxiety.
I stopped by the property in an attempt to retrieve some of the belongings that I had left behind, and discovered that the new owner had discarded most of these things prior to the settlement. Was this illegal? Sure it was, but upon arriving at the property, I took note that most of the very old shrubs had been hacked down to the ground and that the place was no longer "mine." Losing the rest of my belongings only seemed fitting - I had already lost SO much to the exspath that this final outrage wasn't nearly as painful as I had anticipated. The traumas that I experienced at the hands of the exspath and his choices and actions were finally in the past - at least, to a much greater degree than they had previously been.
So, today, it's all over. I have NO further ties with the exspath and I am so grateful that it's done. Do I wish for justice? Sure, I wouldn't be human if I didn't - he needs to be in Federal Prison for his forgeries, alone. But, that's not my concern, anymore. I can entertain that thought, but it's just a thought. I know (and, believe) that HIS actions will mete out consequences, in due time, and I don't need to be there to see it.
I'm really and truly on the road to recovery, and I am grateful that I am.
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