The heading of this entry has to do with my past "expectations" of the Holiday Season and the truths about how those expectations were used to create harm.

The first exspath was an extraordinarily abusive and violent man.  Any "special occasion" was used as a tool of manipulation and/or coercion, and it was the most terrifying and abusive time for me.  He would threaten that the children would not receive birthday or holiday gifts unless I submitted to whatever he demanded:  money from relatives, sex, agreement that his abuse "wasn't abuse," etc. This was also the time when he would threaten to murder our children, kill me, then himself - whenever there was a "special occasion" or holiday.

Special events and holidays are the times when personal "expectations" that "he/she is going to change" are developed - it's a time of celebration and hope, and never does a more fertile opportunity for abuse exist than when false hopes and expectations are raised. 

The second exspath didn't physically abuse me, at all, but the emotional abuse was (in retrospect) insidious and special events and holidays were systematically nullified.  From birthdays, to graduating with honors, to Holidays, all traditions and celebratory events were simply no longer entertained. 

When I received a scholarship for college, the exspath was conspicuously absent at my honors ceremony.  He was also absent when I graduated - there was no celebratory gift, dinner or party, nor was there even a congratulatory card to note my accomplishment.  When the Holiday Season rolled around, I would consistently suggest that we invite his family to a meal that I would prepare in our home - it happened on one occasion, and every other desire to have celebratory events was pretty much shot down. 

What does this have to do with "betrayal" and "coping" with it?  Recognizing that I am in recovery from a series of incredible betrayals, manipulations, and coercions is vital in discussing domestic violence and/or abuse.  A victim of abuse doesn't have to walk around with bruises, black eyes, split lips, or broken bones.  Abuse is the destruction of a spirit - a soul, and verbal abuse might cut to the bone, but non-verbal abuse is even more painful.  Breaking of traditions, dismissal of existence, and invalidating a person's accomplishments are ALL forms of non-verbal abuse.

Today, as I type this blog entry, I want to convey that any relationship that results in a person feeling dismissed, invalid, worthless, meaningless, and devoid of value is abusive.  Whether this is a romantic relationship, a family tie, or best friend, toxic and predatory people mean to devalue, dismiss, invalidate, and destroy the soul of their targets. 

I also want to convey that I am not the same person that started this blog.  I am forever changed.  My views of myself, my sexuality, my values and beliefs, and my personal boundaries have been altered.  Some of these changes are incredibly empowering and liberating.  Others (like my sexuality) have been very sad losses.  But, I do not ever want to be the person that I once was, again.  That person trusted everyone and trust is something to be earned and never given, freely.

I wish for everyone who is searching, hurting, recovering, and managing difficult situations and conditions to be blessed with Peace, Self-confidence, and Self-esteem.  I wish for everyone who is looking for answers to find those answers within themselves.  And, I wish for everyone to understand the ravages of predatory people and how to recognize "Red Flags" and disengage from toxic predators, regardless of whom they might be.

Brightest and most healing blessings to everyone on this day.  And, thank you all for reading, responding, and holding my arm as I stumble down my Healing Path.

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