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PSTD, Recovery, and Past Traumas
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and my past issues
Date: 4/21/2013 8:36:16 AM ( 11 y ) ... viewed 6958 times As Spring has begun, I've forced myself to leave my dwelling - it's very easy to slip into avoidance and become a hermit instead of recovering and becoming a "part" of the human race.
Any trauma creates a host of issues for all survivors and regardless of the trauma. For those who have past traumas that were never addressed, PSTD can develop to a point where it becomes unmanageable. For me, my past traumas were never acknowledged, much less addressed. So, I've been living in a state of post traumatic stress for the better part of my life. Add a "new" trauma on top of past issues, and it's about a 14 on a scale of 1-10 of anxiety.
Because of my physical issues, I have difficulties sleeping, anyway. Since the time that the exspath left, I have experienced nightmares and they have become a routine event since the divorce was finalized. These nightmares are full of symbolism and painful imagery. Some of the symbolism relates directly to my feelings of helplessness and powerlessness. A few of the symbolisms relate directly to the exspath and his betrayals. But, the vast majority of the imagery and feelings relate to me, personally.
I've taken to keeping a notebook and pen on my nightstand to record key words and images to help me to sort out the symbolism and imagery. I'll probably make this a protocol regardless of where I am on my Healing Path - there is much decompression that the human psyche performs during sleep, whether it's pleasant or disturbing to recollect.
The other facets of PSTD are the anxiety levels and fears of human interactions. Even something as simple as shopping for food creates a level of anxiety that is almost crippling - I am fearful on an irrational basis, and this is something that can only be addressed in strong counseling therapy, which I have begun, again. Anxiety is a "normal" reaction to a number of events, but the anxiety that is associated with PSTD is so unmanageable that it can prevent me from doing even the most mundane of tasks. This is a place that I've been, before, but only briefly. I am uncomfortable with this, on every level, because this is not who I am. I was once gregarious, joyful, and confident. Today, I am afraid, anxious, and suspicious of everyone, even people that I consider my friends.
In this journey, my counselor and I have agreed for me to address past traumas - those events throughout my life that were painful and shameful. I don't necessarily "want" to examine these events. What I "want" is to pretend that they never happened. But, the fact is that they did, indeed, happen and have everything to do with whom I allowed as my partners, and how I avoided caring for myself in lieu of being codependent.
This is a long, hard, painful, and unpleasant journey, to be sure. But, there is a light at the end of this dark path. And that light is called, "freedom." I anticipate a time where my past will not determine my present.
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