Codependency, as far as I've observed in myself, developed in early childhood via a series of daily traumas.  Okay, so what does that even mean with regard to everyone else that might read this blog?  It means that trauma runs deep.  "Bad" parenting, "bad" family dynamics, and long-term exposure to trauma (verbal, physical, sexual, etc.) creates a helpless, needy, angry, and dependant human being.  This is where I'm at in my personal recovery - sorting out the traumas from decades ago, and putting them to rest.

Long-term exposure to frequent trauma creates a human being that has no understanding of "Self."  Healthy "Self-isms" are not learned or nurtured, and flawed core beliefs are formed (often, irreperably) that are shame-based.  The child(ren) is literally held accountable for whatever traumas they endure, and are therefore responsible for the health, happiness, and well-being of everyone else before their own.  That is the seed of codependency. 

Prolonged trauma (as in my history) feeds codependency to become a pathology, unless the child-turned-adult begins to sort out their shame-core beliefs and the traumas associated with them, early on.  Well, since the dynamics of traumatic dysfunction literally require children to "keep family secrets," there is no open discussion of what they've experienced.  Because they must pretend that everyone's just fine and that they are always at 100%, there is no truthful, honest discussion of the traumas, much less acknowledgment that they ever even occurred.

An example of extreme codependency developed by prolonged trauma would be a child raised in a verbally abusive environment.  The child is told, daily, that they are "fat," "lazy," "worthless," "ugly," "stupid," and other vicious untruths.  Even when the child attempts to please their abuser by passing an exam or washing the dishes, they "know" that their accomplishments will never meet their abuser's expectations.  The abuser will respond, "That's great, but you missed a spot," or, "Yeah, you made an 'A' on this exam, but you're going to fail your History class."  Nothing that the child does is acceptable, and their emotions are discounted as being "over-sensitive."  "What's the matter with you, anyway?  You're just too sensitive.  You'd better get used to it because you're going to fail at everything that you do."  Think about this, for one moment - how many of us experienced invalidation of our perceptions, feelings, and beliefs? 

So, the bottom line is that prolonged traumas literally cause a child to develop into a helpless human being.  This helpless human being does not know what "normal" feels like - what is tolerable, what is not, what is acceptable, what is not, what is abuse, what is not, etc.  The only thing that they "know" is that any imperfections in their actions and/or behaviors will result in humiliation, degradation, and abandonment.

I've written this on CZ's blog, before, and it never ceases to amaze me that this was a fact that I only began to learn at mid-life:  I am not responsible for helping, saving, or rescuing anyone else on this planet in order to be a "good" person.  I was born into this world as an innocent and "good" human being - my family dynamics disallowed me to develop a healthy understanding of my "Self," healthy "Self-isms," and boundaries that have no personal agenda.

Today, I understand that "mistakes were made" and that it's my choice to either sort all of this out, or not.  Do I ever want to center my existence around another person's rules, requirements, and well-being?  Uh.......no.  And, this is accross the boards, not just in "romantic" relationships.  I cannot and will not put another human being at the center of my Universe to heal, rescue, or save.  I am finally learning how to safely encourage and support others without putting my own needs aside in order to gain their approval, validation, and acceptance.  Finally.

Sources of trauma that create codependency are:

• prolonged family dynamics of addiction (alcoholism, street and prescribed drug abuse, gambling, sexual addictions, etc.)
• prolonged childhood abuses that include belittling, invalidation, humiliation, sexual abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, etc.
• prolonged exposure to manipulations and financial abuses

Codependency is manifested as flawed beliefs that we are solely responsible for curing the hurts of the world.  We do not "feel" we are valid unless we are martyring ourselves for the benefits of others and their successes.  When the person that we are codependent upon fails to improve themselves, it isn't their misstep that caused their failures, but our own absence of perfection - and, this makes us angry at ourselves, first, and the focus, secondly (if, at all).  We seek out the needy, the desperate, and the depraved with the horribly mistaken belief that we have the power to "help" them, "save" them, or "rescue" them.  We do not have that power, and we will continue aligning ourselves with people who have a nefarious agenda until such time as we begin our personal Healing Journeys.

Unravelling codependency and prolonged traumas can be sorted out in support groups, but my recommendation is to seek out a counseling therapist that specializes in trauma.  These professionals have the knowledge and training to help their clients peel back the myriad layers of trauma and surrender up the codependent beliefs and behaviors.  And, it is empowering and exhilarating. 

Visit:

www.familyarrested.com

www.180rule.com

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