Wow youre a genius!

Everything you said made so much sense to me.
Especially about misery being starved and it fighting to live. Its so odd how we {I} almost feel safer in a miserable place. I suppose its understandable..I mean Ive been in that place most of my life, just gone from one thing to another, from Depression to pills to one bad relationship to the next to drugs to drinking to more drugs to more bad relationships to finally being where I am now..for the FIRST time really wanting to be happy..really starting to think Im worthy of it. I know it wont be easy, I know you cant rebuild 25 years of broken down self esteem back up overnight, but this is the begining. Im still going to do all of those good things for me..I am doing them. I think that night was just the horrible breakdown I needed to have..I have such a hard time with letting go. But after that awful night its like I broke down so much that nothing was left and it was a clean slate to start over with.
I have no idea why this mans validation seems{feels} so important to me. And not just this man, Ive felt this way about many other men just like him throughout my life..its gotta change because I dont want to go through it again. Im trying to remind myself that I have these feelings but they arent me, and Im going to change them and heal myself so I will one day have new, better, REAL feelings for people who are worthy of my love, and will return it. I have had the exact thought you said about going to him and crying and him seeing the light of God and realizing everything, etc. It makes me sad that it wont happen but I need to realize that its sad for HIM not me.
Thank you for what you said about borrowing strength..Ive never heard it put that way before and I will take you up on that offer. Thank you so much. <333