Re: I think I overestimated my strength :(

Trysten -

Back in the day, stuff like that would happen to me, and I felt the same way that you did. It was as if I had taken a positive step, and so here came "Satan" and EVERYTHING would go wrong. And in a sense, it is "Satan" - I think (and remember this is only what I think) that when we start to do something different with our thinking, that our old crap jumps up and says "are you SURE you want to let go of this old way of being? It is so familiar in its misery - how can you get rid of it?" And every obstacle pops up to try to send us back to where we were. Thoughts are energy, and I think that energy is life, and when we cut off negative thought, it starts to starve to death, and it will fight to live, as everything has a will to live. Make sense?

Now is NOT the time to cave in. It NOT the time to cut yourself - I have never understood that at all, but I had other outlets for my pain - or to take pills, etc. The only thing you accomplished was getting your best friend to give you the attention you wanted from your ex, WHO OBVIOUSLY DOES NOT CARE THAT YOU ARE IN PAIN. Why is this mans' validation more important than your physical health and the love of your best friend and the people who are survivors here on the Zone? Why does the acknowledgement of a piece of shit mean more to you than the heartfelt genuine backup support of friends that really care for you? When I was where you are - and I was - my best friend told me that I insulted her with my behavior, and I was floored. But it made sense. She was there for me, but all I could think of was getting that man to care.

I have been out "on the streets" and had terrible credit for years from maxed out credit, and everything you are describing. The people here are here to help you through this stuff because we have been there and we care. I did not come to this forum because my life was smooth and fun. And we all have been at that low, self loathing place, and survived. It is now your turn. You really do have a choice to survive. I know that circumstances suck, financial pressure is awful, but my hope for you is that you will choose to survive. It is difficult, but worth doing, we need you to come out the other side, and help someone else someday.

We cannot force you to go where you do not want to go, so I really hope you will put some thought into grabbing ahold of yourself, and start digging out of the mess, and quit focusing on him. Do you REALLY want to go to him, with tears streaming, to lower yourself down on your knees in front of him and beg and plead "why don't you love me - Please love me"? Have you ever thought that conversation all the way through, based on what you know of him? Do you really believe that he will see the tears and pain, suddenly become touched with the light of God, fall upon his knees and gather you to him and be loving kind and forever changed? You know what he will probably really do, so please honey, be good to yourself, and don't go to him to get beaten up. The car troubles and money problems are not evidence that you did something "wrong" and need to be punished, it is just very unfortunate timing, and it will pass.

Stop feeding your negative feelings, so that they may starve and die, as long as you are feeding them, they will have life and grow.

PLEASE take CARE of yourself. You were talking before about all the nice things you would do for yourself. ALLOW yourself to heal. Quit fighting it. It is OKAY to be a strong, beautiful, healthy woman, BUT YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO CHOOSE TO BE ONE. Cutting yourself, or taking pills is NOT demonstrating your strength and beauty. WE ALL HAVE THE ABILITY TO CUT OR TAKE PILLS. BUT IN THE NAME OF HEALING, WE CHOOSE NOT TO. Make that choice.

Oh yeah, if you feel that you do not have this strength, borrow ours. Your friends love you and will be most happy to loan you some. If you are lacking faith, borrow ours. My friend told me that, and I borrowed her strength and faith for a long time, and it really helped , cause sometimes all I had was hers. But then one day I had my own. Now I have plenty, so here. My hand is out and in it is some strength and faith for you, here, reach out and take it - there, doesn't that feel nice? I like the way strength and faith feel, soft and firm at the same time. Hold it to you, and I will hold you to me in thought, dear Trysten.

Take care.