Perhaps you are trying to "paint an objective picture" because as you are reading these posts, they are reacting in such a shocked way that you feel (in your warped perspective) that they are OVER reacting. The "it's not so bad" syndrome. That is absolutely typical of an abused person. I know, I was one - when people recoiled in horror at my stories of being hit choked, etc. I would do the exact same thing - oh, but we ALSO have SUCH a good time together, blahblah. It really is typical in your situation.
STOP PAINTING THE OBJECTIVE PICTURE. THERE IS NO OBJECTIVE PICTURE WITH AN ABUSER.
Look, Hitler had a woman that loved him. He was abusive, narcissistic, and responsible for the violent death of 6 MILLION people. But Eva would snuggle up next to him at night and say "Oh, Adolph, I simply adore you!". Point being, every person has people that care for them, they all have a "good" side, that does not make them HEALTHY.
PLEASE DON'T BACKPEDAL. You told us in the first post that this man is violent, very much so, depending on the moment. Doesn't matter how big the house is or how much money there is, the guy hits and chokes you. CHOKES YOU. SHUTS OFF YOUR AIR, YOUR SOURCE OF LIFE, EVERY TIME HE DOES THAT HE IS ATTEMPTING TO KILL YOU. TO SHUT OFF THE AIR OF ANOTHER HUMAN IS VIOLENT AND DEMONSTRATES INTENT.
The horror of it for you is that the man who shuts off your air is also the man who makes love to you.
My abuser used to scream "I love you, you f__king b____" as he would hit me, and I would think "wow, he really loves me to get that mad", because MY thinking became sick.
Honey right now your thinking is sick, it got poisoned. The source of your poisoning is your abusive husband. You cannot trust your own thinking. You started by telling us he was a monster, then when we agreed in horror and concern for you, you stated, oh no not really a monster, he just gets so pissed because I am such an irritant. This is classic abused woman thinking, from a mind that is poisoned. Abuse touches much more than the body, it afflicts and poisons the mind.
Hopefully you will find a way to leave, get some good medicine for the mind.
No amount of Depression or unemployment justifies terrorizing or beating a woman. He could have left you if you were that irritating, or gotten you counseling for depression. So that is a grand lie that you tell yourself. Because it is better for you if it is somehow your fault. If it is his, then YOU have to take some action. If it is YOU, then you can try to "change", and that is easier than trying to wrap your mind around the idea that the man who makes love to you and holds your hand might turn around and beat you with those hands.
Stay in touch, think about not trusting your excuses and justifications, and try to get some professional help. You may be able to tell him that you are counseling for the depression, but I would talk with the counselor about the abuse.
You did not find us by accident. So you are reaching out against what you know, deep down inside, is abuse. No excuses anymore, ok? No "objective".