I almost never (that I can remember) do this on a forum because it almost NEVER has any affect, but with regards to "Fragrance's" post: are you loopy? Walk in the shoes of the abuser? Maintain an EMPATHY for someone who HAS no empathy? We call this line of thinking the "Stockholm Effect." When we are exposed to enough misery, we come to think of it as normal. Spending time with captors, the Stockholm hostages began to sympathize with their captors EVEN THOUGH the captors were criminals, terrorists, and murderers.
As a Survivor of domestic violence and abuse at the hands of an NPD/Sociopath, I thoroughly resent your insistance that we just need to "understand" where or what the perpetrator of heinous sins has endured to cause such a pitiable creature. I was raised in a completely dysfunctional family environment and I didn't evolve into something that deliberately harmed other human beings for the sake of personal entertainment or "empowerment." I have spent the past 12 years in counseling and AS a counselor of abused women (and, an handful of men) and I can tell you from personal and practical experience that there IS NO understanding of an abuser.
The only person who can help the abuser stop abusing is the perpetrator, him/herself. More often than not, they attempt to rationalize their choices to physically and emotionally inflict life-altering damage due to one thing or another, but they hardly ever nod their heads and accept responsibility and stand accountable for the sins that they have committed against others.
No. I do not have to stand in their f-ing shoes. I do not have to "listen" to the f-ing pain of an abuser - a man or woman who finds pleasure (an almost erotic pleasure) in fracturing the jaws of their loved ones with cast-iron piping. I do not NEED to empathize with a f-ing abuser, one iota. You see, this is called, "Choice."
You may choose to do whatever you wish...but, I refuse to give quarter to someone who would tear his wife's anus in the middle of the night as he's raping her and hisses into her ear that he's "...taking (his) husbandly rights."