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Thank you all
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Published: 14 years ago
This is a reply to # 890,085

Thank you all

This thread has proven to be a blessed confirmation... I guess it is common that what we already know but don't believe we know is reflected back to us as a confirmation, if we look in the right places. After several years of indeed (affirmed!) abusive behavior on the part of this man, I realize now that I have a great deal of rebuilding/ healing to do, first of all with regards to trusting and listening to myself. I used to think I was exceptionally intelligent, interesting and beautiful... and now 'think' those things, but don't feel them. It all started with meeting this dude, and then getting stuck with him for a hellish two years of death, illness, disaster, crime and emotional upheaval: the focal points of my daily life... I suppose I came to be addicted to, or came to believe that I deserved, suffering. And yes, I am most certainly paralyzed and depressed by the drama and terror that continues in my life. It has become like watching some sick and repetitive movie, with my self stuck in the lead role. I am SICK (even literally) of the fear, of the noxious energy, the put-downs, the sly emotional manipulations, the explosive and violent outbursts, the fear (oh I mentioned that one already) and the latent dread of spending my life with this person, deeply in need of help as he is. Anyway, I guess I needed to read here what I already knew to be the case. I may not leave tonight because when I do leave, I will be leaving this (Godforsaken) country once and for all and, no, thank heavens there are no children in the picture or I would leave tonight. Yet, leave I will and I will never look back. I am deeply grateful for your wise, wise words.... Bless you all

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