Re: Difficult child destroying our marriage!

WOW!

I feel badly for that little girl. She must be going through a difficult time. But I also must say, it must be even worse with parents who are discouraging her to express herself full self.

There is no such thing as a wrong emotion. All emeotions are good, even when people project their emotions on to others. I'm not saying it,s right to do that, just that, its more understandable for an eight year old to project their emotions. I would also say you are doing some projecting of your own "difficult child destroying marriage", if that were true, your marriage would have failed little girl or no little girl.

As a father of four (three on them girls), I try to create an open environment for all in the family. Meaning, I want my children to be able to express themselves and not feel bad for doing so. Yes, my little ones do act out from time to time. My second oldest even does some of the things your step daughter is doing. But she is only seven and at this stage in her life she is learning to deal with her emotions and from time to time, that will mean tantrums and whatnot, until she feels safe expressing her emotions and has no fear of being punished.

The key is to validate your little ones feelings/emotions. I do this by simply repeating what she say's to me, back to her. This let's her know I am listening to her. I am not agreeing to what she wants, only that she has a right to feel as she does.

Here's an example that recently happened:

My oldest daughter(12) was upset that she had to take out the trash and then clean her room. I had asked her once and she ignored me. I asked a second time and she said "why do I have to do that, you never do anything?". I just happened to be doing the dishes at the time. So I came to her and said "I understand that you are mad that you have to do these chores, and you have a right to be upset. But that doesn't change your responsibilities. I'm the father and your the daughter. You might now always agree of what I ask of you, but you still have to do it".

Of course, you want to do this in a calm tone of voice.

I feel by going that approach, she understands I am not getting angry that she is mad, but becuase she is not doing her chores. This valids her emotions and at the same times creates an atmosphere of communicating her feelings, as oppossed to throwing tantrums because the child knows no other way to express themselves, or possibly, doesn't feel safe doing so.

Most parents go your approach and punish the child for, of all things, their emotions. If a child misbehaves they are banished to their bedroom until they know how to behave "properly". What message does that send to the little one? That some emotions are good and others are bad? That's just silly. All emotions are good. What happens is children grow up repressing a part of themselves, a very natural part of themselves. They will soon think that only certain emotions are "good" and others are "bad". Thus, becoming very unbalanced and repressed. Hence, tantrums once they can no longer hold it all in due to a lack of expressing their emotions.

How great it would be for that little girl to have someone NOT try to understand her, fix her or even empathize, but just hear her, not listen, but hear her express herself and validate her feelings. How do you do that? Simply repeat back to her what she expresses to you. Example:

little girl: I'm mad becuase mom and dad are not together
Adult: So you are sad about your parents not living together..how does that make you feel?
little girl: Sad
Adult: Yes, that sounds very sad. When I am sad I like for someone to hold my hand. Would like me to hold your hand?
Litte girl: NO!
Adult: OK, I will just sit here next to you.

That's it. Maybe the little girl doesn't want you to sit next to her, doesn't even want you in the room. That's OK. What's important is you heard her and tried to open the lines of communication. The little girl will know that, and over time she will stop throwing tantrums and instead approach you to talk about her feelings, becuase she will feel safe in doing so.

The little girl is going through a lot, as I am sure you are too. Your whole family probably is, and yes, you do have a right to feel as you do too. Maybe if you guys sit down one night and talk about your feelings with each other you will see an improvement in all, even if the kids don't say anything, they will know that they are in an emotionally safe environmnt and want to contribute the next time. Kids love to talk....especially if its about them..hahahah..

Oh, and as for homework...I always tell this to my daughter when she complains about schoolwork. "Fractions, man those are tough. Let me show you how to do that". At which point I go on to say the benefits of math, how we use it on a daily basis and the history of numbers. I then move on to harder math problems and explain when I purchased our home I had to calculate the interest rate over 30 years, plus utilities, divided by, etc, etc. My daughter then tells me she gots it and ask me to "please leave her alone". Works everytime and she is a A/B student....

Much luck and love..

Days Of Light













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