Difficult child destroying our marriage!

My husband of 1.5 years has an 8-year-old daughter. Here's our problem: I don't like her.

Not only that, but I do not love her. She is constantly whining, misbehaves every other minute (despite our attempts to use Love & Logic, the 1-2-3 Magic method, etc.), treats my 6-year-old son like dirt, complains that she doesn't have enough clothes or toys (like at her mom's house), complains about what I make for dinner, makes ugly faces at us if we tell her she must clean up her room or do her homework or eat her dinner, speaks to us in a disgusted and disrespectful voice, leaves her room a disaster area unless nagged about it or threatened with privileges being taken away, whines and cries big tears if we do not tell her the answers on her homework ("why won't you help me?" - and we're sitting right there with a pencil showing her how to do it, but not giving her the answers). Occasionally she has screaming fits if she is forced to do something she doesn't want, such as going to her room as punishment for potty talk (that's another thing -- she has taught my son that talking about poop and pee is HILARIOUS -- I think 8 years old is too old for such behavior). She will scream, slam the door, throw things around her room and break them, etc. We have taken her door off the hinges before. No improvement, just more work for us. Today my husband found a penny on the ground and gave it to her. Her response was "what's that for?" in a snotty tone of voice.

I know my own child isn't perfect. But he does not exhibit these behaviors. When he misbehaves, if we apply the parenting methods, he responds and corrects his behavior.

We have tried putting her in time-out, taking away privileges, etc. to no avail. She lives with us 50% of the time.

I had to stop being the one to help her with her homework. My husband doesn't get home until 6 p.m., when we snarf down the dinner I've made and then the kids get ready for bed an hour after dinner. So I thought I would help the child with her homework. You read about how that went. Finally I realized that I couldn't be the "bad guy" all the time, although it cuts into her dad's special togetherness time with her to have him be the heavy with homework, cleaning the room, and so on. Since I'm picking her up from school and dealing with her 2.5 hours before her dad comes home, I am her primary caregiver. My frustration level with her behavior is growing. I spend more time with her than her dad does because of his work schedule.

I suggested family counseling or mediation. My husband's response was that it's MY problem. I am immature, I overreact, I should just be more patient, maybe if *I* got counseling then MY problem of blaming others would go away, etc. His response was obviously not helpful. Normally he is very loving but this issue has been a bone of contention in our marriage for about a year now. We are both feeling frustrated.

I feel guilty and ashamed that I do not love this child or even like her. I am a teacher and I'm around 8-year-olds all day, but she is one of the most distasteful children I have ever met. My family members try to like her but have admitted to me privately that her perma-scowl and constant whining make her difficult to enjoy being with. My brother said that her expression makes her look like she is unhappy with life. I notice that her mother whines to her in a baby voice when she speaks to the child. I think these two ladies must feel it is "feminine" or cute to do so. It's hard to teach a child to stop doing something that is reinforced the other half of the time.

Yes, we try to feed the child as healthfully as we can. We eat mostly organic.

Despite our best attempts, the child's behavior is not changing, only growing progressively worse. I suspect she will have bipolar disorder like her mother, and these are the beginning symptoms. Any thoughts or advice for me? Is it normal to not feel love for your stepchild? How do we deal with her behavior? Any thoughts on how I can gently suggest to my husband that his accusatory comments are not helpful? You can e-mail me, too. Tweet