Re: I want to leave my Narcissist.

Hello Fledgling and Soul Survivor,

Thank you both for all of your support; you really seem to help a lot of people and it seems you both have been through so much yourselves. Yes, I go in and out of thinking he's a narcissist but 90% of the time he proves it and lately I've been really paying attention to see just how bad he really is. For instance, just yesterday we invited a friend on a bike ride with us and our friend said he could be there at 5:30pm and we thought we'd be there earlier and told him if we were already on the trail he could call us and we'd meet with him on another part of the trail. Well we ended up rushing to get to the trail at 5:30pm also and our friend called at 5:20pm and said he couldn't make it at all so my N said to him "so we waited for you until 5:30pm and now you aren't even going to show up? Oh, fine next time you say you're going to ride with us we'll just wait around for you so you can tell us you can't make it." Of course, when he hung up the phone I told him that we hadn't been waiting and why did he tell him that, that was mean? Next conversation with our friend he said "no worrys, we were'nt really waiting, we were just getting there at the same time too" (maybe I shouldn't have tipped him off). Then once we were on the trail we ran into another friend and my N started to tell him about another complete narcissist (he didn't use those words) that we know who left his wife for another woman or so she thought; previous to this she told him she couldn't live without him and she wouldn't leave him at any cost so now the wife is still with him and he's keeping the girlfriend so now when my N tells this story he says "yeah now he got to have a wife and a girlfriend." He got to? hhhhmmmmm??? After our friend listened to this story he told us that he was losing his brother to cancer and my N said "I lost my father to cancer," and proceeded to tell his story of course. I think this may be the type of behavior that is normal for a narcissist, does that sound right? I'm seeing it much more often now that I am "waking up." I don't think I'm going to go back to the therapist but I would like to meet with an attorney to find out what my options are but our town is small and I'm afraid someone will see me there or he'll find out somehow. I really don't want to have nothing after working so hard to build what I have; I know it sounds completely ridiculous but I just don't want to go that way. I would be willing to have less but to have nothing would put me in a very miserable place and I'm afraid I'd really go downhill. I want to make a plan to at least have a little condo and be on my way to starting a business that will bring me some income. I have a few ideas but I don't know that I could really do anything until the divorce was final because I'd lose what I've built again. Also, I've been thinking it might be a good idea to take up residence in the state my best friend lives in right after I leave so I won't have to see him and/or see him with another woman because I know he'll do everything he can to hurt me. He knows that the jealousy card works everytime. I don't know if he's ever cheated on me or just acts like it to keep me off balance but it is the one thing that has bothered me the most and he knows it. When he gets around loose woman his posture changes and he seems to become that player who hurt me when we were 21 and his focus shifts to them and the next thing you know I try to get his attention away and he screams at me "you think somethings going on..." and that begins the exploiting and humiliation and me telling him that I can't take it anymore and then of course he tells me I'm insecure and mental. It happens over and over again. As for his past sexual experiences yes, for many years he was out to just have sex with every loosy goosy he could find and any nice girl who got in the way got used too. In addition, on several occasions he would have sex with his friend (a particular guy) and a girl whether it be some loose girl or his drunk girlfriend. The p 0 r n has always been a problem and I finally agreed to let him see p 0 r n on t.v. but I said not on the computer out, of fear that he would start chatting and I told him just don't lie to me about it, that's the most important thing. He said the reason he lied is because he was embarrassed by it. I told him the only way I can get past not trusting him is if he doesn't tell me lies, not even a little white lie and he agreed but didn't sound sincere. The next week he went out of town on business and took his computer and looked at p 0 r n every night for a couple of hours for a week. When he got home I checked the computer and saw that he even downloaded firefox to view them with and I asked him if he saw p 0 r n while he was gone and he said "No, I tried but the computer was too slow and I didn't want to ruin your.....(he then paused and said)our computer, if you click on those sites you could ruin your whole computer and besides that the internet was too slow." That was a test and he failed. As for feeling isolated and not having friends; I thought I held on to him too tight because I was afraid to let him out of my sight but I am realizing that he doesn't want to let me out of his sight. If I bring a girlfriend around he'll try to make me think he's interesed (double edged sword) so I won't want anything to do with her. I think also when I leave him he will try to date one of my friends (who aren't really my friends) but they are good looking and a suc*** for compliments. I always feel as though he talks to other woman as though they could have a chance with him in the future or maybe they could flirt when I'm not around, or who knows what.

I often think if I could catch him cheating it would be easier to walk away. I know, I know, that may never happen and I should just focus on moving on. A lot of the time I imagine being alone in my own little condo space and working on my life without him and I think I like that thought. However, the thought of having to depend on my mom again and going back to the place (her property) that I used to live with lots of very bad memories would be really hard on me. Don't get me wrong she's a great mom but I use to have a place on her property where I lived with my son's father and I was very miserable there for many years before and after I got rid of him because i felt as though I wasn't growing and I wanted to find my soul mate.

I am going to try to find an attorney that can help me see the future and what it will hold and figure out how to have that little condo when I go and/or move state to my friends and have my new business plan ready to go. Until then, I have to play my cards right. Thank you so much for all of your help!!!! I will definately be posting my way through this and hopefully I can help others once it's over.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!

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