Before you leave, you need to understand what you're up against. You did not mention children and, if there are none as a result of this union, that is a blessing. If you DO have children, you need to consult an attorney, an abuse counselor, and be very, very cautious. He's already demonstrated violence. The most important thing, right now, is that you do NOT involve yourself in another relationship, even though you may feel that you need someone. What you need is to get safe, get healed, and then you will be prepared to choose a partner who is emotionally healthy. Right now, anyone who pays attention to you in any way will fit the bill - this means that you'll be excellent prey for ANOTHER narcissist. And, the next one will be able to read you better than you realize. Read the following descriiption and prepare yourself with an attorney and a counselor who is familiar with abusive narcissists. The battle will be terrible, and he will be angry. But, you will be a stronger, wiser woman once you get away. Forget THINGS like business, real estate, personal property, etc. Everything can either be replaced or rebuilt when you are a strong, wise, self-assured woman. Be prepared for anything, as you'll understand after reading the descriiption below:
"Because a narcissist’s very existence is based on their belief in their own superiority, any criticism, complaint or challenge to that belief is a serious threat.
When someone criticizes him (or her) he assumes they are trying to change him, influence, or lead him, or trying to exert power and control over him, all of which are affronts to his sense of superiority and perfection. If his ego is wounded he loses control of his self-created, grandiose identity so that he feels humiliated and powerless.
He sees himself as above reproach and his natural reaction to anyone who does reproach him is to feel attacked which in turn provokes rage, contempt, withdrawal, or hostility and the urge to punish.
The aim of punishment, which is essentially revenge, is to teach the culprit a lesson. They must suffer for displeasing or offending the narcissist, or for not believing in his superiority. Such retaliation gives the narcissist a sense of power and pleasure.
But sometimes the narcissist’s victim gives no obvious offence and his punishment seems without motive. Sometimes the hidden motive is hostility toward a parent displaced onto a less threatening scapegoat. Or to build himself up by putting another down, to force them to see that in comparison to him they are ordinary and helpless. Or he may hate the person he depends on because relying on another contradicts his fantasy of self-reliant superiority.
And like some super novelist he makes people up, creates them in his mind to fit his own needs, so that he thinks he knows them inside out and how they should behave. So he may punish someone simply for not playing the role he assigns them, even though they have done nothing wrong except be themselves. When they do not behave how he thinks they should, when they fail to fulfil his needs and wants, he rejects or punishes them for disobeying his unspoken rules and expectations. He is capable of extreme actions (such as road rage or stalking) against those who do not conform to how thing are supposed to be.
The narcissist doesn’t want a relationship based on equality and honesty. He wants flattery and adoration, to be put on a pedestal, to get everything he expects and when he doesn’t, he may retaliate with surprising vindictiveness. His attitude is: “Give me what I want and be what I want or you will suffer.”
Sometimes punishing behaviour is nothing more than a sadistic, ego-boosting pleasure in causing pain, especially when a partner still loves him and stays with him despite his atrocious treatment. She is supposed to be so utterly devoted to him that she will endure anything. But such devotion has to be tested. How much he can hurt her is to him a measure of how important he is to her. But the partner who submits to his ill-treatment may find herself being punished for being too subservient, for being inferior, cowardly, contemptible. It’s a no-win position.
He may punish a partner for not living up to his expectations and not meeting his ideal standards. He expects that she fulfil his wishes perfectly and feels cheated and disappointed when inevitably she does not. It never occurs to him that he may expect too much. He assumes she has deliberately, even maliciously, deprived him of satisfaction and so feels justified in retaliating. Or he may want to punish her for enjoying the company of other people, for having other interests besides him, for being something he is not, or simply to demonstrated his power over her to prove to her that he can destroy her happiness at will.
He may punish her for changing in any way, losing weight, putting on weight, getting pregnant, returning to education, leaving or returning to work, because any change in his partner changes the self that she reflects back to him and threatens his sense of himself. He needs her to be a certain way so that he can see himself in a certain way.
He may even see a partner’s smallest needs or requests as insults. If she needs something that he doesn’t give, or asks him to do something he doesn’t naturally do, then she is saying he is inadequate and imperfect. Her offence may be nothing more than behaving like a normal person in a normal relationship. She may for example only try to get him to behave with no more than normal reasonableness, consideration and decency, or try to curb some excessive habit, to find herself the scapegoat for hostility and treated more like an enemy than a loved partner.
Affairs are a narcissist’s common form of retaliation against a partner he believes does not give enough. Sometimes abandonment is her punishment. He might leave because she disappoints, although he never told her what he wanted. Sometimes he punishes by withholding what he knows his partner wants most, affection, attention, companionship, children, sex, money, his presence, whatever will cause her the most distress. Sometimes his reaction to criticism or whatever else he is punishing is so extreme that his partner never dares do it again and tiptoes around his delicate ego. Sometimes his punishments are irrational, excessive and dangerous, as any battered woman can testify."
Hang in there, Jusme - Fledgling has always provided excellent insight and there are others on this site who will be there to help you along your path. Just keep in mind that computer screens and internet boards cannot (CAN NOT) take the place of strong, healthy, face-to-face emotional counseling and these people can only provide you with encouragement and support. You must find the answers and methods that will best suit your needs.
The feelings of sadness, loss, and grief that we experience whenever we end a relationship are normal, and they are amplified when the relationship is with a malignant narcissist - they do seem charming, affable, kind, generous, etc., but if we look much deeper and are willing to view their behaviors without the blinders of denial, we can clearly see the backhanded compliments, the one-upmanship, and the rest. To acknowledge that we've been victims (supply sources) to fuel these behaviors causes our feelings to be more intense: we have been used; we are not considered human beings; we are toys of control; etc. This is true with any relationship with a malignant narcissist, whether it's a spouse, sibling, parent, friend, co-worker, supervisor, etc. Anyone can be a malignant narcissist, and you are not alone in your feelings of loss and sadness.
Jusme, you may wish to consider looking for a different counselor. To discuss the issues of other clients is strictly taboo and 100% inappropriate, especially if the outcome was tragic and she is using that as an excuse for not practicing what she has been trained to do. She has made it very clear that she is unwilling to face down a malignant narcissist - she won't meet with him alone, and a good and wise therapist/counselor is not only willing, but able to put on the Therapist Face and allow a narcissist to go on, and on, and on, thus digging themselves in deeper, and deeper. You may have to "try on" a few counselors until you find one who is confident, plays by the rules, and is willing to meet the challenge of facing a malignant narcissist. The one thing that she did say that made sense was that you may want to consult an attorney to discuss your options - in some States, Family Court Judges can even Order that the spouse pay for their legal counsel and fees. At any rate, I would gently urge you to consider finding a different therapist/counselor.
With regard to being afraid of being alone, this is just a symptom of what you've endured over the years. From my own experience, I believed that I enjoyed my ex's company because his company was all I had. He kept me isolated, off-balance, and it came to the point where I honestly believed that I either didn't rate having my own network of friends, or that (as he would constantly say) they "wanted something" from me, like money, sex, etc. I was also afraid to be "alone" and didn't know how to fill in the silence except with background noise. It was a long time until I learned that there are much worse things to cope with than being alone. I learned how to listen in the midst of silence and enjoy my own company - previously, my thoughts and feelings were so dark and dreadful, that I couldn't bear being alone. Once I began following through with my plan to leave, I began to feel more confident, valuable, and comfortable with myself. What it boiled down to was that I was afraid to be alone because I had been living alone the whole time with that man, and I was facing a different kind of "being alone" than I was accustomed to. I was facing "risk" and I was afraid to "risk" losing what I was accustomed to (regardless of how miserable my environment was) and leap into something unknown to me.
Keep in mind, if your husband has any idea that you want to leave, or that you're planning on leaving, he will make any promise to keep you with him and it's not because he feels "love" as we understand it to be - he will be losing property, not a human being with feelings, thoughts, and dreams. I associate the NPD with a dog that jealously guards a favorite bone - he hides it and skulks around with it so that nobody else will take it from him. So, I would gently suggest that you make all arrangements and appointments in secrecy, and tell nobody that is involved in your business or personal life.
You're going to be fine, Jusme - you will. You're going to do what you need to get done to save your Self (Self is that Life's Spark that makes you unique). Certainly, it's going to be an emotional roller coaster ride, but it's nothing that you can't handle. You're going to come out of this experience wiser, emotionally richer, self-assured, self-confident, and independent. You won't ever be "afraid" of being alone, again, because you will become strong, wise, and confident as a result of your Survival.
My best wishes to you.
Jusme, I would strongly urge and encourage you to find another counselor as well as seek out the best divorce attorney that money can buy. This is imperative for your case because you will have documentation of the conditions that you have existed in for all of these years - I can't stress how important this is! I chose to try to do it, alone, and I made some very serious errors in judgement. There's no way to diagnose a malignant narcissist - there's no psych "test" that can conclusively determine if a person is, indeed, a malignant narcissist. Even face-to-face encounters can come up negative, such are the ways of malignant narcissists. BUT, a wise, dedicated counselor can definitely see the symptoms of NPD, and the affects that it has had upon you, the client. Along with an attorney, a good, strong, wise counselor will only be an asset for you through your proceedings
The porn issue is very, VERY common among N's, particularly with the advent of internet access. The one-upmanship is a screaming symptom - you're sick? Well, let me tell you how sick I am...etc. If it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, chances are: it's a duck! The more you learn, the more you will recognize.
My best wishes to you.
One of the most important things that Survivors of domestic violence and abuse can realize is that these things happened and cannot be changed, altered, corrected, or wished away. For whatever reasons, we chose our partners and we have to accept that responsibility - of course, that does not mean (by any stretch of the imagination) that we wanted to enter into an abusive relationship, but that's how it unfolded, nevertheless.
Malignant NPD's often deliberately seek independent, self-assured, and emotionally strong supply sources because those are just the types of personalities that they, themselves, lack and work diligently to dismantle, dismember, and destroy.
With regard to being positive about every aspect of life, when we wake up and don't find our names in the obituaries, it's going to be a great day. We have every reason to be positive, even when we're facing personal tragedy, loss, or other circumstances over which we have no control. Every event in our lives is an opportunity to learn something valuable, even if it involves death and dying. We have the opportunity to continue to develop our empathy for others, assist others in their trials, and become even more comfortable in who we are and what our contributions can be for our fellow man.
Losing money, losing cars, losing property, and (ultimately) losing common children to a malignant narcissist - I experienced all of that when I left my former NPD. Yes, I wish that I had been wiser about my options. Yes, I wish that I could have overcome the terrible influence that he had over our children. Yes, I wish..........and, if wishes were fishes, nobody would ever go hungry. Because I cannot change the past, alter the outcomes, or control anything other than my Self, I had to learn that my experiences were all a part of my personal journey to find my Self. I would much rather be who I am, today, than who I was before I made the choice to leave. My personal experiences won't stop the Earth from rotating on its axis, people will still be born and die, and the Universe will continue to function.
Being emotionally free, healthy, and still learning and healing are my rewards. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Best wishes to you.