Re: I want to leave my Narcissist.

Hi Fledgling,

I really, truly, appreciate your words and I would never tell you to go jump in the lake. My sadness was not coming from what you said but from reality hitting me in the face. For a moment I thought my swaying in and out of my thoughts about him were new but that's not the case. I guess it's hard for me to think of never loving him again because he is often sweet, polite, of course very charming and he's very affectionate; he tells me I'm beautiful everyday and can seem so considerate a lot of the time. Then there are the times that he flirts with the waitresses, competes with me in business, tricks me to look in another direction so he can check out some girl, sneaks to look at p 0 r n and then lies about it, puts me down if he thinks I'm too confindent and sometimes when we meet with people he steps in front of me, back facing me to leave me out of the conversation, recently forgot to tell me a business lunch time changed to an earlier time and as I showed up they were finishing lunch and just overall as I'm writing this I am realizing what a jerk he is. I've always been afraid to be alone and I know that I'll miss his company because we spend everday together; we work together, ride bikes together and live together, hell we even commute together. I feel that I need to face these things before I decide to walk away because I don't want to feel the urge to come back. I think that if he was just bad to me everyday it would be easier to walk away. I think I need to make a list of the cruddy things he does so I don't forget. I think that is my sickness, I tend to forget.

I'm not sure how I feel about the therapist. She's told me about some other peoples problems such as a crossdresser and his wife not accepting of him and a narcissist and his wife that he brought in to try to get her not to leave him because he didn't want to lose all of "his money." She said it was in the paper and they both ended up dead. She said she doesn't want a repeat of that. I told her I didn't know how he'd react if I were to tell him it was over. She asked me what I wanted from her and I told her that I just want to feel as though I'm taking a step in the right direction. She told me I should see an attorney to at least find out what my options would be. Then when I told her I'm having a hard time because I enjoy my husbands company and I'll miss him she said maybe you should consider bringing him to counseling and maybe we can work on his issues. I told her "he's a narcissist, I don't think he can change and I can't imagine myself not knowing true love in my lifetime." I also told her that I would like a diagnosis of him and while she didn't say she would she did say she would see us together but not him alone. Originally, she said she wouldn't see him at all because she can't work with narcissists. I did tell her that I was worried that he would convince her that he's not an N because he's so charming and he always pumps other people up to get them to think he's great; unless she's a liberal, smoker or he thinks she's siding with me. I've always told him that if we went to counseling it would be the last step before we ended it so it might tip him off that I'm getting closer to that point and that's why I'm afraid to take him. In addition it could teach him to be more convincing. who knows, I feel so lost.

Fledgling, please don't stop talking to me I really do appreciate your advice.

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