Final note

Well, 2ss, I wish you the very best, particularly for your children.  The site that I provided was not meant to be a slap in the face - it was meant as a stepping-stone towards understanding and acceptance.  And, I don't believe that any of the members responding to your initial post have responded in an inappropriate manner.  You asked and were duly in receipt of complete honesty.  In some circles, it's termed as "Tough Love."

Why love and risk harm?  To be quite frank, how would we ever accomplish anything without risk?  If human beings had chosen to avoid risk, we wouldn't have knowledge of beneficial roots and herbs, telescopes, African-American Presidential Candidates, or missions to Mars.  Risk is something that we either choose to stare down or not.  If we choose to risk, we could find ourselves piloting a space shuttle.  If we choose not to risk, we find ourselves stuck in an endless cycle of emptiness.

For me, the risk of involving myself in another possibly abusive relationship almost caused me to sabotage what evolved into a partnership with my best friend, partner, and companion.  To leave an abusive relationship, I risked (and, lost) just about everything that I ever had - heirlooms, investments, real estate, vehicles, my mother's jewelry, and many other "Things."  The one thing that I did not lose in that process of escape was my soul and my Self.  Yes, I had to face the fear of homelessness and, yes, I had to come to grips with many hard facts of living (i.e.; riding a city bus that got shot at when passing through the projects).  But, you know what?  I didn't have to submit to spousal rape, financial abuse, spiritual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and verbal abuse in trade for financial "security." 

Having a great physical appearance doesn't mean that we're immortal, 2ss.  There will come a day (God willing) that we are old.  Cosmetic surgery, crunches, triathalons, and gyms do not halt the progress of time.  What will you do, then?  Suffer the horrors of implants and surgeries in a vain effort to remain youthful?  Will you continue to protitute yourself (sagging skin, and all) in exchange for having your immediate needs (and, "wants") met?  As it is, you have suggested that you have no happiness in your life and it most certainly is not due to your being worthless!  You are unhappy because you are unable or unwilling to experience intimacy.  Suggesting that you are "worthless" is the  most blatant invitation to a Pity Party that I've seen in a long, long time (coming from an adult, at any rate), and I don't attend pity parties with the exception of my own, but I thank you for the thoughtful invitation.

Reading a book or perusing relationship material isn't going to do a thing for you, 2ss.  When we are ingesting information, we can pick through it just like picking through a piece of catfish:  we eat the meat and discard that which might get stuck in our throats.  If it were me, I would attend counseling with a very tough therapist.  I would force myself to step back and take stock of what I have done in relation to what I should be doing to teach my children a Better Path.  I would stop using the excuse of "fear of risking hurt" to explain away my choices and throw myself into the hard work that will lead me to light, agape, and fearlessness. 

Yeah, risk is a scary thing.  And, sometimes we experience discomfort when we risk and lose - I would rather risk and lose than de-evolve into what I once was.  Because my offspring only saw me when I was terrified of risk, they learned that it was better to remain apathetic and unambitious than to exercise some stinking Free Will!  I won't go into their choices - this is about YOU, not me. 

I wish you the very best of healing, 2ss.  And, for your children who are watching you very, very closely, I wish them the very best, as well.