Slight problem 
2ss
17 y
6,437
† Cross †
I know this can't compare to other posts on this forum but I have a problem I don't know what to do about.
How do I start this?
My husband is a wondeful guy. We've been together for 8 years now. I love the life he has allowed me to have. I'm a stay at home Mom and I love it. We have a nice home in the country on 8 acres. We vacation every year at the beach for 4-6 weeks. He always makes sure I have money in my pocket without me asking. I love the life he has given me.
He's in excellent physical shape, a very kind and loving person. He's had his share of lumps in his life but they seem to have made him a better man instead of filling him up with resentment.
Although I love the life he has given me I'm afraid he doesn't do a thing for me personally. His kiss does nothing for me, his caress does nothing for me, his attempts at romance I always sabotoge. The guy just doesn't turn me on. I even showed him how and what I like and when he does it it doesn't work.
Well, a couple of years ago he started withdrawing. Not real blatant, just enough to be aware of. A few months ago he started sleeping in the spare bedroom and now he doesn't even try to romance me or kiss me or even touch me. He's still very kind to me and makes sure I'm well provided for but I think he's getting ready to leave.
Either I love him but somehow won't allow the intimacy or I didn't really love him in the first place but loved what he did for my life.
He's a professional and wouldn't have any trouble finding someone new.
Is it possible that someone can be too good. I mean, this guy is almost perfect. And yes he is good in the bedroom. At three o'clock in the morning when I'm half asleep when there's no kissing or cuddling. He gives a great massage too but I won't allow that to turn into sex. I'm sabotoging myself with the best man I've ever known in my life. Why????? Or I didn't love him in the first place. But can you grow to love somebody??
He's 10 years older than I am but has taken good care of himself and looks 15 years younger than he is.
I don't want to lose him but I know he's planning an escape. And I don't blame him.
Three years before he came along I ended my second marriage and was a little too free for a while there and had no problem at all. But when I look back at those days it was always with someone I knew I wouldn't want a long term relationship with. Now that I've got a great man why can't I allow the intimacy? The kissing, cuddling and romance. Is it a guilt trip I'm putting myself on for using those guys after my second marriage? Or I didn't really love him in the first place but got confussed because he improved my life so much. Gave me the kind of life I've always dreamed of.
The problem is I just don't respond to any and all of his romantic advances. I freeze up. I won't allow it to happen. Why???
I know this sounds trivial and can't compare to the "real" problems others on this forum have but any suggestions would be appreciated.
S
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Re: Slight problem AHarleyGyrl
17 y
6,139
R
This is a reply to # 956,0031. It is certainly not a slight problem.
2. "But can you grow to love somebody??" After 8 years?!!
In the famous words of John McEnroe, "You cannot be serious."3. You focus on all he has given you as far as things and lifestyle, but you don't speak of how he makes you feel, does he build you up, make you feel loved, support you emotionally? Did he ever?
4. You never said how it was in the beginning, was their passion and romance and crazy love? maybe by omitting that, you did say?
5. You didn't mention his looks, just his body. Is there a reason? Is his face attractive enough?
6. "I love the life he has allowed me to have." This sounds like you are dependent on a man for income, do you not like to work yourself or do you have no education or training?
7. "He's had his share of lumps in his life but they seem to have made him a better man instead of filling him up with resentment." Is there some hidden meaning in that we should know about?
8. "Is it possible that someone can be too good." Refer to my John McEnroe comment above.
9. "I don't want to lose him but I know he's planning an escape. And I don't blame him." This is probably the most important sentence in your whole post. Are you afraid of losing money and things. It also could be that old saying, "I don't want him, but I don't want anyone else to have him.", maybe both. Maybe you like the attention he gives you. It doesn't sound like you are afraid of being alone, sounds like you have no problem attracting men. What is the reason you two are not getting marriage counseling? If you really don't want to lose him, you will have to change and that will require getting to the bottom of your issues. You will need indivdual couseling or Dr. Phil.
10. "it was always with someone I knew I wouldn't want a long term relationship with." There is an old saying...When a guy says he never wants to get married, it means he does not want to marry you. In reversing that to your gender, I would venture to say those guys were not Mr. Right and it sounds like your current husband may not be either; Either that, or you have committment and/or intimacy issues, maybe you have them from an abusive childhood (you did not mention it). BUT, what about husband numbers 1 and 2? Did you go through all this with them, too.
11. Why are you on your 3rd marriage? What happened with the other two?
12. why can't I allow the intimacy? Um, well, for one, you say you have no attraction to him physically. That is a starting point to discuss with a professional counselor.
13. "I know this sounds trivial and can't compare to the "real" problems others on this forum have but any suggestions would be appreciated." There is perhaps a lot of significance in this sentence. My intuition says you want us to cut you a break on your strange behaviors. If that is the case, I will be honest and tell you that some of them are Sociopathic .
14. I think you need to face your fears and get a game plan, because I think he already is getting his in order. If you really feel you would act this way with any man under the same circumstances, then maybe you two should get marriage counseling. If it is just him you do not want to be with, then get some counseling for yourself, someone to figure out what you are going to do if he leaves.
15. You seem to be omitting important info here that would enable us to give you a better assessment.
- Re: Slight problem #73810
17 y
5,753
This is a reply to # 956,003This is a HUGE problem, and you already know the problem is yours,not his.
You need to do something fast if you want it to change. It seems by your post that you do want it to change, but you are not going to change it by doing the same thing over and over and wondering why the results don't change.
It is not that he is not doing what you think turns you on. You are not responding to what you have responded to in the past. You have to change; you have to take responsibility.
You are not happy because of your own low self esteem. You have to work on that - big time. Make a list of what makes you feel good about yourself and do the whole list as often as you can. Find a support group, any support group, and listen to how others handle their problems. Watch your self talk. Don't just say over and over, why do I do this, but tell yourself you do deserve a good life with a good sex life. Don't expect things to change the first week you say this, or change your tactics. It may take six months.
You have let the sexual thing get out of hand, and now he doesn't even try. He may be seeing someone else. It works at 3AM because you don't have your defenses up, and are not watching every minute to see if you are going to respond or not. You are just not able to let yourself feel the pleasure when you think about it.
Try this. At first, you seduce him. As often as you can, every night if possible. While you are seducing him, don't think of your own pleasure, but if you start to feel something, ask yourself why you are not letting yourself feel more. Tell yourself, this is my responsibility--my orgasms are my responsibility and I have to let go enough to achieve it. I went from one orgasm to multi orgasmic in this way. It works.
Also consider that the years and the company of children all day may have decreased your libido. Get some Korean ginseng and a homeopathic remedy by Newsom or Newport or something like that called Spanish fly. The latter is sold in health food stores. Take them one hour before you seduce him. Get up to a dose that works for you.
He sounds like a great guy. Men need only food, sex, and respect. It is us women who are so complicated. You already know he is a keeper, and it is you sabotaging the relationship. Because of how you have described him, I would talk to him when he questions why you have become assertive sexually. Tell him you know you have been sabotaging the relationship and you repent. That you are going to take the responsibility for your orgasms, and to let you experiment until you find your path. That you RESPECT him, think he is a great guy, a good provider, a good father, and you don't know why you have trouble responding but you are not only willing to change, but are going to change.
If you want to save this relationship, you can. Do you want to?Advertisement
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- Save Your Marriage Without Counselin... AHarleyGyrl
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This is a reply to # 956,003If you are really sincere about saving your marriage, then I recommend this program. It fits your situation perfectly. I have used this program years ago myself and there is none better for the purpose of saving relationships. I picked the wrong person to use it on, but it still works well, just make sure if you use it that the man is deserving of your efforts. Only one person has to use the program and the other person doesn't even have to know. The changes you make will impact the relationship very positively anyway and they will respond to your new learned behaviors. It is a fun program, too. And, it is guaranteed or your money back, so you cannot go wrong.
Ellen Kreidman
- Not "slight" whatsoever! #68716
17 y
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Dental work and fillings, not a problem.
This is a reply to # 956,003"Although I love the life he has given me I'm afraid he doesn't do a thing for me personally. His kiss does nothing for me, his caress does nothing for me, his attempts at romance I always sabotoge. The guy just doesn't turn me on."
So, were you aware that you weren't attracted to this man before or after he set you up to be a stay-at-home-mom on a farm with no obligations other than to accept his financial support?
No, you're not guilt tripping yourself about what happened in between marriages. You're finally grasping the fact that you married this guy for the specific purpose of providing financial security - many women (and, men) choose to do this. They would much rather enter into a civil, binding contract with someone who can provide the "Things" that will fill their emotional emptiness rather than choosing someone who will be a partner and companion.
His reaction is not unwarranted: if you think that he can't sense his level of emotional importance to you just because you've never voiced it, you're sadly mistaken. Perhaps, because this man is "good" and "kind" and "allows" you the life that you want, he may just be overly vulnerable to being used and has decided to begin the process of separating himself from you. And, could you honestly blame him? If he's tried and tried to please you and the only satisfaction that you get from his is his financial support, he has every right to distance himself from you.
If it were me, I would have to sit down and consider an honest assessment of why I chose this man, why I don't believe that I can enjoy a physical relationship with him, why I choose to maintain an emotional distance from him, and contact a marital counselor if I wanted to try to save the relationship. I would discuss my conclusions with my husband and, if there were any inkling that I could set aside my view that "...it's all about me..." I would find something to focus on and work for it to keep our relationship intact by getting involved with some serious JOINT marital counseling. And, just because I didn't NEED to work to support our lifestyle, I would either get a part-time job or begin volunteering to help those human beings who are not as privileged as I am.
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- You want to be "WORTHY"? been there done that
17 y
5,640
This is a reply to # 956,003"or I didn't really love him in the first place".
Are you insane, how could you not love this guy?
"but I won't allow that to turn into sex. I'm sabotoging myself" ( EXACTLY, you have low self-esteem and high expectations for yourself). You want to be "DESERVING" of him.
You've convinced yourself that he should have the desire to,... not "leave", but ESCAPE from such an evil, unworthy, and disgusting person as you (these are not your words, but they are your thoughts, you have LOW self-esteem) and say "he's planning an 'escape'. AND I DON'T BLAME HIM" (stop judging yourself, where did you learn this?,...probably in childhood).
You CAN'T be worthy of your husband (no one could), yet he loves you and your flaws (low self-esteem, idiosyncracies, etc.) are cherished instead of merely insignificant (uncommon).
"Worthy" of him is an unreasonable expectation. Sometimes people tell their spouse "I don't deserve you". What your husband "GIVES" to you (and does for you) is because of His "graciousness", not because of any "worthiness" (this is TRUE love, he cannot GIVE 'love' if you are/consider yourself "worthy"). You are trying to be worthy and "measure up" (do you think he would place such [unreasonable] demands on you?,...ease up on him,...you can also ease up on yourself while you're at it, he's not an ogre or a tyrant,...maybe you haven't noticed? or maybe you just haven't given him credit/recognition, shame on you).
Because you've convinced yourself that emotional intimacy is a lost cause, you've emotionally "given up" and refused to "FEEL" EMOTIONAL intimacy (you are sabotaging the relationship).
Neither can we FULLY recieve God's grace until we truly recognize our unworthiness.
Your relationship is on that level (uncommon).
Life is not supposed to make sense, if it did, all of the excitement, suspense, and adventure would disappear. Love (TRUE love) does not make sense either, it goes BEYOND rationality. Get used to it, this is what you have to live with (disappointed?).
- Re: Not a slight problem Flower Girl
17 y
5,841
R
This is a reply to # 956,003Your letter talks about the freedoms and "perks" you have in your life. I'm interested in knowing what you DIDN'T state in your letter - mainly your emotional connection and non-sexual intimacy in your daily married lives.
Is there a warm feeling between you two? Happiness at being together? Communication without distractions? An interest in each other? Shared laughter together? Activities together? A shown respect for each other? Do you trust each other? How is your family time with the kids? Etc Etc Perhaps something isn't right in another area of your life together.
In other words - are you a COUPLE? Or two people leading separate lives who happen to be married?
I feel compelled to offer some tough love - your letter didn't mention what you give back to your husband - for this life he has given you that you love, the life you've always dreamed of. Are you giving him the same?
If asked, would your husband say, "I love the life my wife is giving me". Or better yet, "I love the life we live together".
How are you providing for him? He is trying to meet your needs, examine what you do on a daily basis to meet his. This may be hard to hear, but this whole thing brings to mind a bit of selfishness on your part.
Also there's more at stake than the present enjoyment of your life - it is the lives of your children. You owe it to them to look at this situation and try to fix it.Advertisement
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- Re: Not a slight problem 2ss
17 y
5,744
This is a reply to # 956,664Boy, you people don't mess around.
My husband has brought up my non-responsiveness many, many times. Each time he does I just think he's having a bad day and is taking it out on me. I really didn't take him seriously. But now I see the only time he has a bad day is when I haven't responded the night before. Or the day before, or at diner, or anytime he thought of being romantic. (at the cottage, on the beach, sunsets, etc.) I don't think he gets mad at me I think it just hurts him.
He's always been supportive of anything I've wanted to do and has said many times he just wants to see me happy and enjoying life. And I must admit I don't smile much and I don't have very much fun in life. I think I'm scared to. Even my own daughter has commented about me not smiling very much and never having any fun.
When I first got together with him 8 years ago he asked me if I'd ever been "in love". I hadn't. I've never had the "warm fuzzies" with anybody, not even him. He always tries to make our family time fun and intimate and he gets along great with my 13 year old daughter. I just never paid much attention to intimacy. I thought sex was it.
But I don't think we ever really connected. He probably connected to me but I havn't to him. Another comment he has said a few times is that he feels like his home is NOT his home. Its mine and my daughters but not his. He feels like a stranger in his own home. I guess that's all the other intimacy things you are talking about.
When we are alone together we don't talk anymore. He's got plenty to say and can talk at length about just about anything. But I don't communicate and find excuses to get out of the conversations. (go to the bathroom, let the cat in or out, etc.)
To tell you the truth I think its allready too late. He doesn't want to go through another Summer with me at the cottage so I think by next Spring he'll be gone no matter what I do between now and then.
Well, I've learned how to take care of myself with him and I'm still in pretty good shape so I don't think I'll have any trouble finding someone else. It sure was nice while it lasted. My daughter will miss him though.
Thanks for all the advise. I'll get the Ellen Kreidman material and try that for a while.
But I know the first time he sees me with someone else, or hears about me being with someone else, he'll want me back. Sorry, too late. He'll regret leaving...
S
- Re: Not a slight problem sanctuary2
17 y
5,582
R
This is a reply to # 956,890"Well, I've learned how to take care of myself with him and I'm still in pretty good shape so I don't think I'll have any trouble finding someone else. It sure was nice while it lasted."
Take it from someone who knows. From someone who has been where you are at. If you don't fix the problems that you are having in yourself, you will be doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past. The issue is not in finding yet another guy, but in how you choose to relate to whatever guy you are with. In how you feel about yourself. In what you want from life, are willing to accept and not willing to accept. Happiness is something you choose, not something that happens to you. Or something that yet another new husband will bring to you. Only when you can be truly happy with yourself, will anyone else be happy with you.
The answer does not lie outside of you, but deep within your heart and soul. Maybe spending some quality (and in your case lengthy) alone time would be just what the doctor ordered. Get to know and appreciate you. You might just be surprised at who you find.Advertisement
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- Get HONEST with yourself! AHarleyGyrl
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This is a reply to # 956,890I wouldn't even waste money on marriage counseling until you spend a bunch on individual counseling. But, some people cannot be helped; They are users and no matter how much others try to help them, they remain users. I hope that is not what you are, but I do have my suspicions. The very first order of business for you is to learn how to be honest with yourself, because you are severely lacking in that department. You know much more than you are leading on and you tend to blame others for your behavior (I can tell by your sentence: "He'll regret leaving..."). When you go through life that way, you have to choose your victims well, and ever so often one will stand up to you and complain. They become more of a liability to you than an asset and you end up trying to figure out how to replace them with one who is easier to manipulate and control.
"My husband has brought up my non-responsiveness many, many times. Each time he does I just think he's having a bad day and is taking it out on me"
No you don't. You think he is right, but you don't like hearing it and prefer not to deal with it.
"I must admit I don't smile much and I don't have very much fun in life."
That is the guilt trip you lay on him to make him feel bad and to enable you to keep treating him the same way.
"I just never paid much attention to intimacy. I thought sex was it."
Somehow, I do not believe that. Unless you live under a rock.
"He probably connected to me but I havn't to him."
LOL. No. He settled for what he could get from you.
"He feels like a stranger in his own home. I guess that's all the other intimacy things you are talking about."
Don't drag us into your masquerade. It is your story. You know exactly what all the intimacy things are he is complaining of better than we do.
"I don't communicate and find excuses to get out of the conversations."
When you use someone for giving you things and you know they want more than you do out of the relationship, you lose respect for them. And, you learn how to get what you want more efficiently. In other words, you give less and less of yourself while they are still giving the same. The problem you are having is that he is noticing this and reacting. So, now you want someone to tell you how to keep him and his paycheck around, without having to give him the intimacy and love he has always wanted. The old saying comes to mind...you can fool some of the people most of the time, and most of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time.
"Well, I've learned how to take care of myself with him and I'm still in pretty good shape so I don't think I'll have any trouble finding someone else. It sure was nice while it lasted. My daughter will miss him though."
You seriously need help! Are you for real?
"I'll get the Ellen Kreidman material and try that for a while."
I am not sure you will like her advice, because you have to do the things you did back when you were passionate and in love, and it doesn't sound like you ever had those moments to recreate.
"But I know the first time he sees me with someone else, or hears about me being with someone else, he'll want me back. Sorry, too late. He'll regret leaving..."
No, my guess is he will wonder why he wasted all those years.
- Re: Not a slight problem #68716
17 y
5,570
This is a reply to # 956,890"I'm still in pretty good shape so I don't think I'll have any trouble finding someone else. "
You have to be joking, right? Find someone else? Unless you take your Self (that Life's Spark that makes you a unique human being) by the horns, you'll be "finding someone else" for the rest of your life.
Life is NOT "all about me," what I think I deserve, how much respect I feel I deserve, or any other similar motive. It's not about how good I look, how new my vehicle is, how many boxes of jewelry I have, OR what I believe someone else owes me. Life is about how I will affect other people in a positive way. I affect positive energy because I AM positive.
My husband and I live on a very tight budget, and we have from the beginning. However, I would much rather count pennies with him at the dining room table and laugh our heads off over one of our adventures together than sit alone in a McMansion with a Hummer in the driveway and build an empty, lonely existence for my Self.
"To tell you the truth I think its allready too late. He doesn't want to go through another Summer with me at the cottage so I think by next Spring he'll be gone no matter what I do between now and then."
So, the idea is to just give up, then? Forget about the years that he's tried to support you and just fool yourself into believing that you'll be able to snag another husband to see to your needs? Perhaps, you'll meet up with MY ex, my dear! He'll wine you, dine you, tell you what a wonderful person you are and...once you've entered into that legal, binding contract of marriage, he'll burn you down and leave you in emotional, physical, sexual, financial, spiritual, and mental tatters.
If it were me, I'd be looking for the toughest marriage counselor that I could find and start doing the work to change my Self, right now. Not only might this save my marriage, but it would TEACH MY DAUGHTER about what BEING A WOMAN means: taking responsibility for our Selves and giving back of our Selves. Your daughter is watching you, closely, and you haven't taught her anything positive about being an empathetic, sympathetic, caring, loving, independent, self-sufficient human being.
For crissakes, the LAST thing you need, my dear, is "someone else."Advertisement
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- Re: Not a slight problem been there done that
17 y
5,651
This is a reply to # 956,890No, it's not too late, 2ss, you're just giving up (true to form). The most important thing in all of life (business operations, military operations, RELATIONSHIPS of any kind) is COMMUNICATION (PROPER and EFFECTIVE communication). Talk to him (just like you did to us).
Yes, he has always sensed your "giving up" and emotional detachment, it broke his heart and demoralized him, it destroyed his dreams. But do you think for one moment that he wouldn't want you to be honest with him so that you both could be as intimate as you once were? (and you will have a stronger, more intimate relationship than ever). You letting things fall apart would be a crime against humanity. Think of your children and all of your dreams. Talk to him like you spoke to us.
The real problem is not what you really thought (what is usually thought to be the problem usually is not). Personal problems are very often defined subjectively (from a person's own point of view as though they are the victim), but the real problem is just what you said...
I must admit I don't smile much and I don't have very much fun in life. I think I'm scared to. (there's something bothering you, you feel an insecurity about something. WHAT?).
- Re: Not a slight problem AHarleyGyrl
17 y
5,569
MoreThis is a reply to # 957,295
"and you will have a stronger, more intimate relationship than ever."
Well now that's not saying much, is it.
Meaning...I have not seen her write that they ever had that kind of relationship.
- Hit the nail on the head #68716
17 y
5,709
This is a reply to # 957,311Advertisement
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I think, Aharleygyrl, that you've nailed the issue(s) down in your previous posts - particularly the one that holds no punches. You had the strength of mind to make the points and, not only bring them to light, but demonstrate the validity of your insights.
The original poster screams NPD, to me. The "All About Me" tone, the sabotage, the undercurrent of withold/reward is just too strong, particularly in that phrasing that says more between the lines than is actually read on the screen.
I wonder, 2ss, if you've ever even experienced true, honest intimacy...intimacy does not equate sex and isn't confined to heterosexual relationships. Intimacy can occur between friends, pets, partners, spouses, coworkers, etc. Intimacy requires empathy and, from your posts, it sounds as if you may be devoid of empathy on any level, including for your offspring.
There are two paths, here: healing, light, and actually FEELING; or, manipulation, deciet, and control. The former has its pitfalls in that we actually experience the pain, joy, hopes, and shattered dreams of our fellow human beings and to reach that point, it requires that we take ownership of our own humanity and begin practicing responsibility and accountability. The latter is an abyss that even the brightest source of light in the Universe cannot illuminate. This darkness feeds itself like a cannibal - what we shun is devoured in our personal malice of our fellow human beings and regurtitated in the form of emotional abomination. Choosing the latter path is a lonely, dark road and one that I work diligently to stay off of.
Best wishes.
- In the event... #68716
17 y
6,043
MoreThis is a reply to # 957,3282ss, in the event that you wish to learn more about the reasons that you make the choices that you do, I'm posting a support forum that was begun by a female NPD and has offered a place for other NPD's to, perhaps (and, ONLY if they are willing to Do The Work), find healing. Again, best wishes.
http://amazingforums.com/forum2/LIBRAN0/forum.html
- Re: In the event... AHarleyGyrl
17 y
5,489
This is a reply to # 957,330
narcissism:
Excessive love or admiration of oneself. A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem.
Are you sure it can be cured
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- Re: Hit the nail on the head AHarleyGyrl
17 y
5,735
This is a reply to # 957,328
Thank you, you're not so bad yourself...
Some very good points you made:
"If you think that he can't sense his level of emotional importance to you just because you've never voiced it, you're sadly mistaken."
"Life is NOT "all about me,"
"My husband and I live on a very tight budget, and we have from the beginning. However, I would much rather count pennies with him at the dining room table and laugh our heads off over one of our adventures together than sit alone in a McMansion with a Hummer in the driveway and build an empty, lonely existence for my Self."
"Perhaps, you'll meet up with MY ex, my dear! He'll wine you, dine you, tell you what a wonderful person you are and...once you've entered into that legal, binding contract of marriage, he'll burn you down and leave you in emotional, physical, sexual, financial, spiritual, and mental tatters."They avoid those types. They are those types.
"Your daughter is watching you, closely, and you haven't taught her anything positive about being an empathetic, sympathetic, caring, loving, independent, self-sufficient human being."
I wonder, 2ss, if you've ever even experienced true, honest intimacy...intimacy does not equate sex and isn't confined to heterosexual relationships.
I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count (as my mother always used to say when I would ask a silly question).
- In the event... #68716
17 y
6,043
- Hit the nail on the head #68716
17 y
5,709
- Re: Not a slight problem AHarleyGyrl
17 y
5,569
- Re: Not a slight problem sanctuary2
17 y
5,582
R
- Re: Not a slight problem 2ss
17 y
5,744
- Re: Slight problem #68716
17 y
5,469
This is a reply to # 956,003"The problem is I just don't respond to any and all of his romantic advances."
That's no big deal, I don't always respond to romantic advances I get from women either. Also, there's lots of them I don't make advances on, especially some of those I know quite well for many years.
It appears that responding to romantic advances is not really important to you, because if it were, you would have found yourself a boyfriend, or other alternative, by now.
Having strong urges for intimacy requires the body to be in a high state of health; many deficiencies in this area probably stem from malnutrition and poisoning of the body by much of what is contained in the substances passing for food.
Can't force intimacy with one you don't really desire, deep down. If it's important enough to you, you'll find one who kindles your fire.
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Hulda Clark Cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
- Re: Slight problem 2ss
17 y
5,634
This is a reply to # 956,917Nothing like being told off in no uncertain terms.
I know I'm worthless so, the only thing I got going for me is my physical appearance. I simply don't care about intimacy and all those great things you talk about. All I see them doing is making an attachment that will eventually hurt you. So why be intimate in the first place. Go for it as long as you can and when its over find someone else. No heartache, no loss, no intimacy to cry over. It ain't all that good anyway.
I view intimacy as a trick to get you hooked on something that will eventually hurt you. I know damn well if I love him he'll be gone with someone else. Happens every time. Look at all the stories you people talk about. How you tried and tried only to get your heart broke.
He loves me and I'm not interested in him. If I love him he won't be interested in me. That's the way it works. As long as I don't love him I have a pretty good life but I know darn well if I start to love him he'll be gone.
I'm in excellent physical shape due to his knowledge about health. He has taught me well. But the intimacy thing just gets you hurt. I'm content on the inside knowing when he does leave it won't hurt.
But I had 8 good years. I could have sex anytime I wanted, didn't have to worry about a roof over my head and raising my daughter. And I'm pretty sure if he does leave he'll leave me in pretty good shape fiancially. The best part about it is no tears, no heartbreak.
I know that sounds very cold to you folks but really think about it. You would have saved yourselves a lot of heartache and tears if you hadn't tried to love them and be intimate. If you hadn't tried to have that something special. If you hadn't tried to make it work.
And I'm not all bad. He says he's got a perfect wife except for the intimacy thing.
So I don't know if I want to go down that road. So far I see people get their heart broke and have all kinds of difficulty because they loved their mate and how dare them not love them back. Heartache by the truckloads.
Is it worth it?
Besides he'll do good without me. I'm sure there are plenty of females that are more than willing to do the intimacy thing. Allthough he has said that if it doesn't work out with me he'll never have another woman the rest of his life. Yeah right.
So I'll never have what you people claim is so great and wonderful. So what. I won't have all the heartache you people have either. Which is better???
s
- Re: Slight problem #68716
17 y
5,464
This is a reply to # 957,386There you go. Like I wrote, if intimacy were important, you'd have or seek it. Nobody can hurt us unless we give them the power to do so, and you've held back on giving your power up. I'd say that's a good business decision for the reasons you've outlined. I'd call you a pragmatist. You've got it nailed well. Did you really even need to ask the initial question ?
Then there's my grandparents who are celebrating their 70th wedding aniversary this coming June. Talk about intimacy...., they did their thing till he was 83. When one dies, the other will follow shortly thereafter. I kind of like the fact that they stayed together, they are a good example of love, as opposed to all the selfishness that is so plentiful in this instant gratification society. Most people are concerned with me, me, me. Their egocentricity is the cause of most of their problems. Those who habitually give, give, give don't run into quite as many neurotic spells. It's hard to be a giver, with so many takers out there. Anytime one gives something, there is a risk of non-reciprocity. In a way, it's gambling, but we do have control over whom we choose to give to, and when we give it.Advertisement
Hulda Clark Cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
Expand 25 messages, 21 to 45 of 45 UserX
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- Re: Slight problem #68716
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- Re: Slight problem 2ss
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