For survivors of childhood and adult traumas, it's a defense mechanism with genuine intentions and expectations.  When I refer to "adult trauma," I'm not talking about a single traumatic event, though that certainly does have it's own place in "trauma" discussion.  What I'm referring to is long-term exposure to trauma, either via DV&A, workplace harassment, stalking, etc. 

The "love-bomb" is when one individual showers another "target" with flattery, attention, and huge leaps into the target's boundaries and the target is left feeling as if they have found their BFF or "soulmate."  It's important to understand the difference between "flattery," and, "compliment."

Compliment:  "I really appreciate your listening to my issues.  You seem to have a sensible grasp on things."

Flattery:  "You are the only person that understands me."

Compliment:  "You did a good job on that report for the Board."

Flattery:  "You're the glue that keeps this department together."

Compliment:  "Your recipe for that zucchini bread is excellent."

Flattery:  "You are the best baker, ever."

Compliments are comfortable, truthful, and genuine.  They identify a specific strength and acknowledge it.  It's a form of praise that doesn't attempt to cross an individual's boundaries or stroke their ego.  Sure, we all want to feel valuable, but there is an ocean of difference between telling me that my teaching ability is helpful, and telling me that I'm the "only person" that could teach something. 

Flattery is overwhelming, exaggerated, and reeks of "intent" or "motive."  Flattery puts the target off-balance and tips them into a "feel-good-free-fall" so that they truly do believe that they are the "best" at whatever it is they're being flattered about. 

For the individual who has survived childhood trauma, the love-bomb is particularly dangerous, and there's an absolutely recognized reason for this.

When I was preschool age, I had experienced extreme levels of childhood trauma that were not only ignored, but utterly dismissed.  If I told someone that I was "sad," I would be ridiculed and admonished that I had "no reason" to feel sad - even though I had spent the previous night, alone, with my mother passed out from alcohol abuse, hungry, and frightened.  My mother wasn't "drunk."  My mother was "sick," and this meant that I was completely "wrong" in my observations, perceptions, and feelings. 

So, this became a behavioral pattern - whatever I saw was "untrue," and whatever I felt was "unimportant."  This is a recognized outcome for survivors of childhood traumas and abuse and strong counseling therapists that specialize in trauma recovery have their work cut out for them when they approach this issue with their clients. 

It's important to note that I did, in fact, wear my neediness and personal issues right out in the open.  I was hyper-loyal to people who "liked" me, and I also made my vulnerabilities available through my own use of language and behaviors.  And, I dropped the love-bomb on anyone that demonstrated the slightest interest in me, as do nearly all survivors of childhood trauma.  The reason that I did this is almost frighteningly simple:  if someone "liked" me, then they were less apt to harm me, and this is what compassionate and empathetic victims of family dysfunction do.  They can't help it because, as a child, it was their only defense against torment.

As I grew into adulthood, I did so, physically, but I never hit those behavioral milestones that individuals who are raised in emotionally healthy environments do, so my behaviors remained childhish and petulant until I began the hard work of truly recovering and healing, and this was fairly recently in comparison to my age.

So, the traumatized use the love-bomb as a defense mechanism.  It isn't genuine, and it isn't honest.  I have worked hard to stop using words like, "only," and "best," and have begun using neutral compliments - both to give, and to receive.  That does not mean that I still don't love-bomb, by any stretch of the imagination.  But, it does mean that I'm very aware of this behavior, and I'm working hard to rewire my thinking and beahviors.  

Now, I have reacted to the love-bomb all of my life because it gave me attention and a false feeling of validation, and it's particularly challenging for me to not react to.  In fact, it's more challenging for me to avoid reacting to a love-bomb that it is for me to stop dropping them, myself.  If someone says to me, "You're the only person that understands me," I force myself to step back and contemplate that statement, and it's simply not true.  So, I respond with a neutral, "I'm sure I'm not the only person that understands you."  At that point, I put immovable distance between myself and the speaker because they are either traumatized, like me, and they are needy, OR they are predatory. 

The difference between the empathetic and compassionate individual and the predatory individual is quite simple.  The empathetic and compassionate individual who resorts to love-bombing is still trying to make that childhood defense mechanism work - they are FEARFUL, and they want everyone to "be nice" to them so that they don't get hurt.  The predatory individual doesn't care whether the target "likes" them, or not - their goal is to simply put their targets into an imaginary safety zone, and it's different looking into the eyes of a predatory human being who is love-bombing, and looking into the eyes of a trauma survivor.

I have no doubt that my face expressed a desperate expectation when I engaged in love-bombing - I was desperate to make people like me so that I would feel valued, loved, and safe.  When a human predator drops a love-bomb, their eyes make direct, intense contact with mine and it must be what looking into the eyes of a hungry cheetah must feel like.  Lights are on, but nobody's home.  The human predator is watching and waiting for that subtle response that tells them, "YES!!  I'm lonely, frightened, desperate, and needy!  Tell me whatever I need to hear, and I'm going to trust you, implicitly!"

With regard to my own recovery and healing, this acknowledgment of my own behaviors has only been within the past 3 years.  The rest of my life has been spent in a perpetual childhood frenzy in an attempt to prevent more harm, and this was done out of incessant fear. 

Today, I can truthfully type that I am grateful for the lessons that I'm learning about myself.  Sure, it began about "....what he did to me...." and that's okay.  I've come to the point where "....it's what I need to change about myself...." that matters.  This is an ongoing journey of recovery and healing, and I am no longer fearful.

www.familyarrested.com

www.180rule.com

www.thehotline.org

Add This Entry To Your CureZone Favorites!