— as·ser·tive·ly adverb

— as·ser·tive·ness noun

 

For an individual that was raised in an environment of family dysfunction, the very concept of "assertive' does not exist.  "Aggression" replaces healthy assertiveness, and there are many reasons for this. 

 

In a dysfunctional environment, a child's feelings, beliefs, and perceptions are completely invalidated.  An example might be that a child studies very hard for a test, and they make a "B" on the exam.  Well, they're happy about this, and they bring the paper home and the parent says, "That's okay, but you could have done better."  OR.......a child loses their pet hamster, and they cry because they are sad.  The parent says, "Stop crying, it was only a hamster."  In both of these mundane examples, the child's feelings are shot down without even as much as a passing nod by the parent(s), and this simply causes the child to believe that their feelings don't matter.

 

Aggression is a posture developed out of anger, hurt, sadness, and frustration.  As the child moves into adulthood, the only way that they truly believe that they will be heard is if they get aggressive - verbally, and physically, this goes forth.  

 

Assertiveness is born of self-confidence, self-worth, and all of the other healthy "Self-isms" that a normal, supportive, nurturing, and emotionally healthy environment fosters.  And, it's a matter of statements of fact, rather than a knee-jerk reaction to any given situation.  The individual is able to contemplate and respond, rather than live in a defensive posture.

 

What I've learned about myself is that my feelings were literally shot down and minimized - no matter what it was about, I was expected to keep a stiff upper-lip, and press on without thinking or feeling.  When I was the last kid to be picked up from summer camp after the end-of-session pageant ended with all of the parents in attendance except mine, I felt sad, humiliated, devalued, and frightened.  When my father finally showed up, he apologized for not having been there, but became very irritated because I was crying and sad.  "Stop that.  I'm here, now, so stop it."  That minimization of my feelings was tantamount to a punch in the gut - I was made to believe that I didn't have any right to be upset, and this made me feel ANGRY - aggressive.

 

The work that survivors of childhood trauma choose to do is challenging on every level.  From altering our thought processes, to learning how to communicate, it's a Whole-Self challenge.  And, it takes time to get to the point where "assertive" doesn't involve being nasty or making hidden insults.  In the recovery process, the fears are examined and sorted out so that we realize that we're okay and that our feelings are okay, as well.  Even if our feelings aren't based upon facts, they are just as real and learning to acknowledge them as they pass through is a huge step in learning sefl-confidence. 

 

There's a big difference between feeling self-confident in an exposed situation, and feeling defensive and backed into a corner.  Nearly all individuals who experienced childhood traumas honestly believe that they are always on the defensive, backed into a corner, and are required to explain themselves, in depth, so that their feelings will be validated.  Well, the challenging work takes away that corner and gives us the ability to validate our own feelings for ourselves - something that we weren't able to do, as children, because there was no discussion of the gorilla in the living room, so to speak.  Ignore everything, especially feelings.

 

I was in conversation with someone a good while back and she was complaining bitterly about the person that she worked with.  When I asked her what this person was doing that was so terrible, she really couldn't come up with anything concrete - the person just didn't respond to her the way that she expected her to and wanted her to.  The person that I was speaking with is a survivor of terrible child abuse, and she is even more needy than I was!  So, this person that she worked with was immediately on her shit-list, and she actually went out of her way to prove that this person was "wrong" on a very minor point simply to "get her back" - it required quite a bit of attention and energy to accomplish this, and she had been waiting for such an opportunity for a couple of weeks.  I asked her, "So, how do you think that improved your relationship with that person?"  The reaction was, "Well, it made me feel better."  Feel better by being precisely what she was accusing that person of being?  Behaving like a middle-school brat made her feel better?  Well, that's not assertiveness, is it?  That's acting out of aggression, and that kind of behavior is very damaging to her, in the long run.  It doesn't make her look better, and it only creates even greater tension in her work environment because "getting back" at her coworker will never be enough - she wants her coworker to FEEL terrible for NOT liking her and treating her the way that she believes she should be treated.  But, she was having none of it - it made her feel "powerful" and "in control."  She was unable to view herself in a position of employment - go to work, do your job, get paid - she could only envision herself as "having" to "put up with" this co-worker (actually, her superior) and the fact that this individual just didn't love, love, love her. 

 

Now, this "friend's" aggression had been unleashed on me, a few times, and I eventually had enough of it.  I finally understood how the cycle of aggression went for her, as well as for myself.  I could see herself setting up a major tantrum because the individual that she was working with simply didn't adore her.  And, this made her feel devalued as per her childhood traumas - if someone "liked" me, then they wouldn't abuse me.  It was purely a defensive mechanism that had outlived its usefulness and had developed into a behavioral pathology.  I recognized her behavioral cycles in my own behaviors.  So, rather than being assertive, she became aggressive, and there was no room in her workplace for "aggressive" behaviors, so her frustration was building and building until something very minor set her off to take it out on me!  I don't need to go into what she said to me, but suffice it to say that she was in an all-out temper tantrum at age 54, and I observed the passive/aggressive cycles and compared them to my own reactions and behaviors.  The only difference between her behaviors and my own was that I honestly believed that there was a line that I was not going to cross.  But, having typed that, my belief that I didn't do that only extended to people that were intimate friends - my sarcasm and acerbic responses in other situations were just the same as a temper tantrum.  So, she taught me something about myself that I really needed to know and understand.

 

So, healthy communication comes with healthy Self-isms - when I began to really believe that I'm "okay" just as I am, then I began to realize that I wasn't obligated to defend myself, my feelings, or my beliefs.  This takes time, patience, and a lot of work to achieve, but it is absolutely and 100% possible for individuals who were raised in an environment of family dysfuction.  And, it is such a relief to not expend so much energy on maintaining a defensive posture!  Instead of accepting all behaviors as a direct affront or compliment to me, personally, I'm able to sit back, observe, and determine if it's business, or personal.  I am learning how to experience my emotions, express them in a healthy manner, and not walk around as a ticking bomb.

 

I'm able to relax and feel confident, finally.  No, I will never be the greatest at this business of communication, but I'm working on it, every day, and I don't have to turn everything into a story that is about me, and getting harmed.  Sometimes, people are just people and they aren't always going to "like" me - and, quite frankly, they are not obligated to.  So......if I take away the threat of abuse or being prey, then I can work on rewiring my thinking.  And, it sure is an interesting and enlightening endeavor!