Knowing and feeling are two different scenarios.  What I "know" may not meet what I "feel" on an emotional level.  For my healing, there has to be a conduit between my gut and soul straight to my thinking self.  For an individual who has been raised in a dysfunctional environment and/or experienced severe abuse and/or prolonged trauma, this is threatening to our very existence.  For me, "feeling" my past has been an actual phobia and has literally hindered all of my cognitive processes.  I've mentioned in previous entries and on discussion forums that fear-based thinking is a hallmark of a traumatized child, and this is 100% realized in every adult that survived a family of dysfunction.  I am no exception. 

How does it get to that point where "feelings" are buried or stuffed down to the point where I believed that I would literally die if I allowed them to occur?  Well.........seriously, it's just a matter of examining each piece of the puzzle, right?  An example from my childhood is when I was left and forgotten at summer camp.  I stayed at this camp for 2 weeks, every summer, and I was finally enrolled into a specific group that ended the session with an elaborate closing event.  Well, that was when all of the family members were invited to see what their daughters had been doing for the past 2 weeks, and to celebrate the learning and the conclusion of the learning for that summer.  I was alone - no family, and no family AFTER the conclusion.  The hour(s) that I spent waiting were humiliating, embarassing, and devaluing.  I was not worth the effort to even retrieve after the session was done.  To go back to that experience of abandonment was too painful for me, for most of my life.  And, that sadness and humiliation fueled my fears of being abandoned and unworthy.  To actually feel those emotions seemed to be life-threatening on a literal level.  I remember how I felt when it occurred, and I was certain that I would die from those feelings, as an adult.  So, the reasonable thing to do was to pretend that life was good, everything was fine, and that nothing could touch my core self.  What a crock of bullshit, right?!

I am learning how to allow those feelings and emotions to surface without fear of dying.  By taking this course of action, I'm slowly, slowly reducing the source of most of my anxieties - fear.  Now, it's very important to understand that some anxieties are reasonable and appropriate.  For instance, the anxiety that one might feel while they're waiting for an underground subway at 10pm, alone, is instinctual on a survival level.  Some anxieties are appropriate so that we can either address a life-threatening issue, or run from it.  Period.  But, staring at a telephone when it rings and having a fit of anxiety that spirals out of control because we make a story about who might be calling is not a survival mechanism.  It's a fear-based reaction, and that is all that it is.

When I've made fear-based decisions and choices, I can actually (in retrospect) observe what fear(s) they were based upon.  A fear of being minimized, dismissed, abandoned, abused, neglected, invalidated, and unaccepted factored into every choice and decision that I made, bar none.  There were very few choices and decisions that I made that were based solely upon facts and my own personal best interests, and the fear was what overrode the gut-instincts and feelings involved in those decisions. 

I've typed, numreous times, that "feelings are not facts," and this is 100% true.  However, I'm am learning that feelings and facts can coexist in my decision-making and cognitive processes.  This is an epic situation, seriously.  By doing this hard work and paying attention to my own personal recovery and healing, I am actually working neuroplasticity - rewiring my thinking, feelings, and responses.

I'm going to take credit for "doing the work," but I'm going to give the credit to the two counselors that I was so very, very lucky to find after the second marriage ended.  I was lucky enough to find two counselors (in a row) that were both familiar with trauma, trauma work, and recovery from trauma.  It was Divine Intervention, I believe in my heart of hearts.  And, I cannot emphasize this, enough:  recovering from trauma and long exposure to abuse, neglect, and/or family dysfunction really requires the assistance of a trained professional that specializes in trauma work.  Sure, we can engage in support groups, find a sponsor (if it's a 12-step program), and surround ourselves with like-minded people - this is wonderful in the long-term scheme of things, absolutely.  But, trained professionals can "see" beyond the trauma, recognize the toxic thinking, and help guide us down our healing paths.

Each day, I am feeling my life's spark glow stronger and brighter than it ever did.  Each day, I am reminded that true hope and belief in recovery and healing can be an actual realization.  It is possible.  And, it's the most liberating, empowering, and beautiful metamorphosis that I have ever experienced.  My spirit is reviving and Great Creator (God, Jehovah, Vishnu, Whomever) holds my spirit closer and closer to its own energy. 

Bright blessings to everyone in transition. 

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