Just a little background on this:  I was previously married to a violent abuser, had 2 children with him, and got out believing I had "healed" from my experiences and had met a wonderful man with whom I would spend the rest of my life.  Second spouse turned out to be just as much of a sociopath as the first one, but he wasn't overtly abusive, kept a deviant lifestyle without my knowledge, and accessed my private investment accounts to indulge in his activities and present a facade of "normality," and respectability.  That marriage was ended, as well, and I've been in recovery for the past 3 years, more or less.

So, I began having "dwelling" or structural themed dreams beginning in 2006, and these themes had tremendously varied points and details, and each vivid event "meant something" that I really couldn't sort out, myself.  In fact, I made every attempt to interpret the meanings of these things, and it's finally coming together.

I've come to the point in my recovery where I'm "cleaning house."  The theme of "dwellings" in my dreams represented me - my soul, my identity, myself, and what houses my soul.  This goes across the boards, for most people.  Lately, I've been having imagery of old, battered homes/structures that are being rehabilitated and brought back to their former glory via renovations and upgrades - all of this using my own hands, the hands of family members, dear friends, and my counseling therapist.  Wow........just........wow

"Cleaning house" has been a hard and challenging task for me in these past few years, particularly after ending my second marriage that had been a 100% set-up and betrayal by a 100% sociopath.  What began with "......what he did to me......," has evolved into ".......what I must do to save myself."  It's all about me recoverying myself - my soul and whom I have always been meant to be.  And, this required me to dig deep, open old wounds, and to forgive the very "bad" people throughout my life, and to also forgive myself for my own transgressions.

What began as a journey of fear, loathing, anger, rage, and a complete emotional vacuum has become something to look forward to.  Where once I was unable (and, unwilling) to see the simple beauty of a mated pair of Cardinals at my bird feeder, I am now able to gleefully anticipate each day to bring me a new opportunity to continue recovery and dive into my healing processes.

My level of anxiety is still off of the rails - I'm nearly agoraphobic, truth be told, but that will be sorted out, in due time.  My fearful responses to the human race are being sorted out.  I just have to remind myself that it took over half a century of abuse, neglect, and self-damage to get to the point where I needed and wanted changes.

The point of my personal blogging has had a number of motives.  First, and foremost, was an opportunity for me to vent, rant, rave, and get the grieving out of my system in a 100% anonymous venue.  It's out there for anyone on the internet to read, if they so choose.  But, there's another reason to share all of this, and that is for the people out there who haven't had a chance to identify their own need to recover and heal to be validated and realize that they have options.  Remaining a victim eventually becomes a choice, once we realize (willingly, or not) that we have been playing the role of victim either by choice, or by proxy. 

Spring is here.  Spring cleaning is in the works - one step at a time.  No matter what the trauma has been, or how long you have endured it, we are each worthy and deserving of living a "good" life.  A "good" life isn't full of tangible things like condos, cars, jewelry, iPads, or anything else that we can touch.  Living a "good" life is when we are emotionally healthy, emotionally strong, and emotionally safe under our own power and choices.  A "good" life is that point when we are content, calm, and connected with Life, today.  Living a "good" life also means developing natural abilities that we were gifted with, at birth.  We are not required or obligated to tolerate any treatment or behaviors that are deliberately intended to harm us, by anyone, under any circumstances.  We can walk away in strong health and well-being without anger, rage, or vengeance when our "houses" are cleaned of the traumas, the false beliefs, flawed thinking, and shame/blame/guilt. 

Today, I'm okay.  I'm getting okay-er, every day.  And, healing is taking place.  It's taken me a long, long time to get here, and the challenges have been myriad.  But, every challenge and moment of despair has been worth getting to this point.  I win, and I win because nobody will ever harm me, again, and those who have are forgiven and gone from my life.  They've been cleaned from the house of my spirit - forever. 

Brightest blessings to each one of you who has been victimized, traumatized, used, abused, or dismissed as a human being.  Take heart - you are worthy and deserving of living a "good" life, and it can happen if you make the choice to take the steps to make it happen.

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