Having typed that, it's so important for me to remember that I am "in recovery" and not "cured" of my emotional issues.  I never experienced what could be remotely referred to as a "normal" emotional environment, so my recovery and healing is a lifetime journey, and not a destination.  And, that's just fine - the journey is never a dull moment.  I'm working on this, daily, with self-affirmations, meditation, and self-care.  For the first time in my life, I'm caring for me, first.  I am caring for me instead of beating myself up, hating myself, etc.  The difference between these two emotional places are staggering. 

Being "in recovery" means that I am identifying and recognizing my own issues and behaviors associated with those issues.  Doing this allows me to rewire my flawed thinking and fear-based beliefs, and it is a dicey endeavor.  There are numerous challenges and pitfalls on this path.  Some are in the forms of random events, and others are in the forms of toxic individuals and environments.  I'm just now learning how to identify these situations and adjust my own behaviors, accordingly.  

I am compelled to reiterate that this kind of recovery is best facilitated with the help and guidance of a licensed and experienced counseling therapist that specializes in trauma recovery.  I have heard many, many people express disdain and contempt for counseling therapists and their chosen profession - they're taking money from unfortunate people, they don't "do" anything to help, or other misconceptions that are unflattering and often untrue.  It is vital for us to understand that licensed counseling therapits have the benefit of education in their field of practice.  As clients, we must keep in mind that these professionals are also human beings - just like us.  They are not computers or automatons.  Many of these people are dedicated to their profession to help people, and there are others who are not of that same ilk.  It is our responsibility as paying clients to determine whether or not our counseling therapist is going to help us.  A "good" therapist will discuss our childhoods, our triggers, our responses and reactions, our feelings, and our methods of making decisions.  They will ask challenging and probing questions, and they will provide us with tools and techniques to process and manage our own personal issues.  A "good" counseling therapist will have the ability to listen, as well as respond and interact - they don't just sit, listen, and nod their heads.  If we engage with a counselor that isn't probing, questioning, and guiding us, then we are allowed to find another one - it is our moral obilgation to our own recovery and healing to do just that.  "Well, Soulful, I spent 3 years in counseling and it didn't do me one bit of good!  The counselor just milked me for the fees!"  I've actually heard this on several occasions, and I don't fault the counselor for this - it is the responsibility of the client to be diligent and 100% up-front and honest.  The diligence comes into play if the counselor just asks how our week was, allows us to rant for 50 minutes, and then shuts us down and shoves us out the door until the next appointment.  The up-front and honest discussion means disclosing information that might "feel" embarassing, self-effacing, or even humiliating.  Without those vital pieces of the puzzle, NO therapist will be able to sort through the gibberish and help us. 

For anyone who was raised in the trauma of dysfunction, self-preservation was an ongoing struggle.  In most instances, self-preservation resulted in anxiety.  Other results are even more challenging - malignant narcissism, etc., and these personality disorders were either genetically predisposed, or they developed as a result of childhood traumas.  Reasonable self-protection for adults of childhood traumas doesn't really "exist."  Self-protection is a healthy means to deal with any given event or situation that protects emotions, as well as physical health.  In a dysfunctional environment, this is never a "healthy" endeavor - it's not a response of a well-centered and balanced individual.  It's typically the fight-or-flight response, times ten.

For me, I am learning to be aware of my own responses and reactions, whether the reactions are triggered, and what the triggers were.  And, knowing these things allows me to identify my precious vulnerabilities and build boundaries to protect them.  As a strict aside, here, most people belief that "vulnerabilities" are detriments, weaknesses, and faults, and this is 100% false.  Vulnerabilities are those precious traits that make us human beings - vulnerabilities (like empathy) cause us to shout to someone that they are standing in the path of an oncoming vehicle.  Vulnerabilities are precious.  Period.

Now, I can protect my vulnerabilities by trusting my own instincts and assessments, rather than expose those vulnerabilities to use/abuse in a fight-or-flight reaction to triggers.  It may seem crazy (and, it might READ as crazy), but it's been the most empowering thing for me.  I am learing how to protect these precious things without ay feelings of guilt, shame, or inadequacy.  I can protect these precious things using practical decision-making, common sense, and an understanding of what healthy self-protection really is.

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