I was in a recent discussion with someone that was horribly abused as a child, and coming to terms with what her parent did to her, and all of the rest of the baggage that comes along with the childhood traumas.  One thing that she aggressively bristled at was the issue of deep-seated, uncontrolled, and misdirected "anger.".  She didn't believe that she had any anger issues, at all, and became very defensive of this - I understand, completely, because I've come to my own personal epiphanies about my reactions and behaviors in relation to my childhood traumas.  She used the words, "But, I'm a nice person.  I'm nice to everyone!" so many times that I wondered whom she was trying to convince about this:  me, or herself?

Most compassionate and empathetic individuals who were traumatized as children, and/or suffered adult abuse, have profound anger issues, and here's why:  nothing that the individual did, could stop the abuse and trauma.  Whether they did what they were commanded to do, or whether they tried to "make" the abuser(s) "like" them, nothing could stop the cycle.  Speaking about how they felt was only met with humiliation, degradation, belittling, and dismissal - feelings, perceptions, and even facts were invalidated and a child (or, an adult) will certainly feel "NORMAL" frustration and anger when it is crystal clear that their feelings or the treatment that they're enduring is being dismissed.  But, expressing "anger" in a healthy manner is never even allowed, much less explored.  So.........anger becomes a serious problem.

While I was peeling back some of the layers to examine my behaviors and reactions, "rumination" became something for me to work on.  Why was I ruminating, all of the time?  How could I stop doing it?  The answer to "why" is that a traumatized individual wants a positive outcome - a "better" outcome - an outcome that is favorable to them, regardless of how it's fanagled.  "Rumination" is an extremely unhealthy hashing, re-hashing, and re-re-hashing (ad infinitum) of events to literally invent a favorable outcome.  "I should have said ________, or I could have said _______."  That is rumination.

I worked on stopping the rumination by altering my line of thoughts - I acknowledged my "feelings," and said, "Yep, Soulful, that is sadness (or, anger, or fear, or doubt, etc)."  Once the "feelings" were identified, I could dig around and determine what those feelings were really based upon.  An example of this was getting an overdue bill and becoming full of anger - how dare that business send me an overdue bill when I told them about my financial situation and that I would make payments when (and, AS) I could?!  Well, okay......so, I had told the business manager about my situation and that I'd pay when I could, but I was "expecting" pity, compassion, and understanding - in my previous world, that meant, "Leave me alone about it!"  It was a business, and that's all there is to it.  It wasn't an attempt to cause me to feel more shameful.  It was a reminder that I had an outstanding balance. 

Bottom line was that I began to rewire my thinking.  I was "angry" to hide my fear, sadness, and shame.  Anger had been the "go-to" alternative for expression of fear, sadness, etc., since I had to hide those emotions when I was a child, and as an adult in an abusive relationship - simply because true emotions and feelings weren't "allowed." 

Back to the subject of "revenge."  When anger isn't expressed in a healthy manner and processed out of the psyche, the notion of "getting back" or "teaching a lesson" to someone (or, some entity) can develop into an extremely unhealthy obsession.  As I was getting into this work of rebuilding myself and rewiring my thinking, I finally became aware of just how much energy and time is taken up with thoughts and ideation of "revenge."  And, the individual that I mentioned, above, is one of the eye-openers that helped me recognize the behavior within myself while I watched her act-out in a manner that I once might have, as well.

The event occurred at her workplace.  As I mentioned, this woman experienced horrific abuses, as a child, and made a huge number of errors in judgment, as an adult - just as all victims of DV&A and Family Violence do, myself included.  She had earned a degree in the medical field and literally expected (the operative word, here) that she would graduate, immediately get a job at a medical facility, and generate a substantial income that would allow her to "keep (her) house."  She had banked on this expectation to such a degree that she invited an abusive partner to live with her and her son in this enormous house just so that his income would pay her mortgage.  Once she got her job, she was going to kick him out and live happily ever after. 

Well, without going into detail, her plans were constructed on a foundation of fantasy - the boyfriend was an abusive, manipulative addict, and he was kicked out well before she graduated.  While she was taking demanding classes, she tried to work the love-bombing so that her professors and instructors would "like" her and get her through the program instead of standing up for herself and pointing out when these people made questionable and unethical decisions.  Then, her adult son made the decision to leave - at the time he made this choice, I honestly believed that it was a pretty shitty thing to do, considering she had graduated by that time, had lost her job, and hadn't yet entered her new career field.  After about a year, I learned more of her behaviors and realized that he was running away from her, specifically, and it didn't matter whom he ran away with.  Needless to say, she found herself alone and working for far, far less than she had anticipated, and she was very, very angry because none of her plans had come to fruition. 

Revenge........I'm getting to it.  So, she's working in a position that pays (maybe) $10 per hour - hardly enough to live on, let alone pay a $1200 per month mortgage. She is still banking (literally) on the fantasy that she's going to enter the medical field and "save" this property. .  She is desperate to make everyone "like" her because, if they "like' her, they won't abuse her - I get this, 100%, because that's precisely what victims of abuse do, bar none.  I did it, zillions of other victims do it, and she was doing it, as well:  trying desperately to make herself valued and indespensible.  The woman that she's assisting  (probablyu 27 years old) did not respond to the outright love-bombing that my friend engaged in and has treated her like a \teacher's aid, which is what she is.  This infuriated my friend, and she claimed that this woman was a bitch, she didn't know how to teach, she didn't do this, she didn't do that, and that she (my friend) wanted to "teach her a lesson." 

At this point, I had learned enough about my own anger issues and the relevence to my personal abuse experiences to recognize this behavior in my friend.  She wanted revenge in a bad, bad way.  Now, the woman that my friend was working for hadn't really "done" anything to her to warrant this level of malice or the energy and focus that my friend was expending into paying the teacher back for not responding to her the way that she expected her to.  Eventually, this became so overwhelming that my friend actually acted-out a "minor" fit of revenge by arguing with the teacher in the classroom and in front of the students about a very, very minor and inconsequential point.  She went so far as to get a dictionary, find a specific word, and say to this teacher, "See?  I told you that this word meant ________."  When she related this story to me, I asked her, "And, how did that resolve the tension?"  She couldn't say, but she did claim, "I don't care - it made me feel good." 

The whole point of recollecting this example is that acting-out on her desire for "revenge" did no service to my friend.  She believed that she "felt good" after having attempted to put someone in their place, but the "feeling" wasn't based upon a true sense of what is "good" in any human being.  What my friend did was nasty, childish, and further created tension enough for her to be called into the Principal's office to discuss her duties as a classroom aid. 

Revenge is a sentiment, not an emotion.  There are four (4) "true" emotions.  They are:  mad, glad, sad, and scared.  That's it.  Everything else is secondary, tertiary, or something else, entirely.  "Mad," "sad," and, "scared," are typically the roots of thoughts of revenge. 

"Soulful, that person did something terrible.  Am I a 'bad person' for wanting revenge, then?"  My personal belief is that wanting revenge is 100% "normal," particularly when something heinous has been committed by another human being.  It is normal.  But, it becomes abnormal when revenge is planned and executed, particularly over something as trivial as the example, above.  So, someone doesn't think that I'm the greatest thing since popcorn - so what?  If I have to work with that person, I'm there to do a job, do it well, collect my pay, and go live my life.  I'm not there to get paid to pay that person out for their mistake of not liking me.

For me, rumination on revenge and vengeance has been an ongoing issue for most of my life, and I've only just begun to "get it" about my own anger issues, where that anger comes from, and how to best express it to avoid things like..........oh............being fired for insubordination, going to jail for assault, or simply being avoided because I am walking around bitter, angry, and full of simmering malice. 

Truthfully, there is a "balance" in the Universe.  From a cellular level to a galactic level, there is a balance.  I'm not talking religion, here, or science - I'm talking about what I've observed, personally, and what makes sense.  I don't need to act-out on thoughts of revenge.  Sure, I'm going to enterain those thoughts for a short time, but I'm learning how to let go of things in such a way that Karma (or, whatever you want to call it) works things out in the manner that it does.  I don't have any control over what other people think, do, or believe, but I do have control over myself.  If I am truly compassionate and empathetic, I can see something as it is without taking it personally.  I can't speak about most other things, but this is something that I've come to grudging terms with:  revenge is a negative wish for harm to befall someone else, whether they deserve it, or not.  I don't have that power. 

What I can do about this is to acknowledge whatever emotion (sad, glad, scared, mad) is at the root of the desire for revenge, determine where that feeling originated, and sort that out within myself and allow Karma to do whatever Karma does to maintain a balance.  I have come to believe - truly believe - that a very bad person cannot go through life harming other people without there being a price to pay.  A balance is required, and I do not need to "know" when, where, or how Karma pays that person a visit.  My job is to move on and find joy, peace, calm, and personal balance. 

The price that I paid for maintaining my anger issues was myriad.  I don't want to pay for that, anymore.  Unprocessed and random anger creates embarassment, ostracization, bad and impulsive choices and decisions, unhealthy thinking, childish behavior, and actual physical illness.  Righteous anger is a completely different matter, but even righteous anger doesn't obligate me to ruminate and plot revenge. 

As a post-script on the friend mentione, above, I had attempted to explain how to process fear and anger (at her request) on numerous occasions so that she could learn to coexist with people that aren't going to love, love, love her.  Well, she just didn't get it, and let fly her rage upon me a few times too many, and I made the decision to sever the relationship.  I don't know if she learned anything from it, and I honestly and truly hope that she did.  But, I learned a tremendous amount about myself, my own behaviors, and how anger and revenge are predominant for compassionate and empathetic individuals that were subjected to childhood traumas, family dysfunction, and DV&A. 

Add This Entry To Your CureZone Favorites!