Once the business of "moving on" had actually begun, I was able to step back and observe my own choices, actions, and behaviors that caused me to choose two very adept abusers, even though they were polar opposites in their tactics.  "Responsibility" is a word that many people do not like to use with regard to their victimization.  Seriously.  "Responsibility" somehow suggests that a victim actually "wanted" or "deserved" whatever abuse or betrayal that they experienced, and that's not what this means, at all.

"Responsibility" is that point when I acknowledged that I had been victimized, accepted the fact the someone had targeted me (for whatever reason), and that I had played a role in the whole event, or series of events.  This does not translate into my "asking for it," under any circumstances.  Typically (and, clinically), when someone is being victimized, they are aware that something is wrong, they are engaging in keeping the secrets of the abuses, and their practical mind is very aware that they are being harmed.  However, the psychology of abuse is far more complex than that - it's a destruction and unauthorized dismantling of the victim's whole-self, from emotional, to physical, to spiritual.  The dynamics involve such esoteric concepts as "cognitive dissonance," "denial," "self-blame," and "trauma-bonding."  These are all terms used in the field of psychology and are not generally understood by people who do not work in that field.  "Stockholm Syndrome" is a misnamed and extremely misunderstood psychological defense mechanism that is 100% typical in abusive relationships.  However, the general public thinks and believes that it refers to a hostage identifying with their captor - it is far, far more complex than that, and I experienced this, myself, as do all victims of domestic violence and abuse.

Now, once I acknowledged that I was being victimized and that the first ex was, indeed, an abuser, my survival, recovery, and healing fell squarely upon my shoulders, not his.  Did I want him to change?  Did I hope that he would sort himself out?  Did I still love the person that I thought that I had married?  A vociferous, "YES!!!" to these questions, certainly!  But, that was my emotional mind calling the shots.  My practical mind was screaming that I was in dire danger of losing my life - either by slow decay of the whole-self, or outright murder.

The same goes true with the second ex - when I discovered what he truly was, I wished - WISHED - that everything would be undone and that I could somehow alter the facts.  You bet I did!  But, again, the emotional mind was in control as it had been throughout my entire life.  My practical mind said, quite clearly, "You know that he's is beyond help.  You know that this didn't happen, overnight.  You know that you've been deceived and betrayed.  There is only one option:  get out."  And, it was true.  I hated it - that fact caused me more sadness, fear, and despair than I can describe, but I could not refute the facts.  But, I also had to accept the facts, as they were.  Sure, I could have made the choice to live in denial, but that options really would have been too painful, humiliating, and terrifying for me, personally.

So, after making the choice to become a Survivor, my role as a "victim" had to change.  Otherwise, I would continue living in that role and playing that part until I died.  Having been a victim is absolutely not the same thing as remaining a victim.  For me, the process of emerging, recovering, and healing has not only included various techniques and a knowledge base of my personal issues, but also a slow evolution of my personal language - not in the sense that I use psycho-babble all of the time, but the references began to  move towards positive affirmations, followed by positive actions, choices, and decisions.  I began to base my life on the present and doing the work to truly, truly emerge.

"Accountability" is another term that most victims of DV&A, deception, and betrayal don't really want to incorporate.  Well, it's part-and-parcel of the whole-self recovery process, and it's a term that requires a little discussion.  "Accountability" simply means that I stand in acknowledgment of my choices, actions, and decisions.  An example of this is that I gave the second exspath my complete trust and confidence.  Now, having done that does not, under any circumstances translate into me wanting to be defrauded or deserving to be betrayed - not at all.  What my accountability strictly means is that I gave away my own choices into the hands of another person without so much as batting an eye.  I could go into great detail about this choice in reference to "Avoidance Disorder," and how this disorder often applies to victims of DV&A and childhood traumas, but that is a whole different discussion.

Responsibility and accountability are not lethal milestones.   I did not die from accepting my own responsibilities for choosing (yes, choosing) "bad" partners, nor did standing accountable prove to be fatal, either.  When I type that I chose "bad" partners, this is not to be interpreted or translated into, "I deserved it."  No, no, no, no, no...............NO.  But, what it does mean is that I based my choices on flawed beliefs and a very unhealthy perception of myself and a total absence of boundaries.  These issues are a direct result of my childhood traumas, and they are present in every individual who was raised in an environment of dysufunction.  Bar none. 

To clarify the results of childhood traumas and family dysfunction, it is virtually impossible for any child to experience the dynamics of family dysfunction and the ongoing emotional, physical, spiritual, sexual, financial, and verbal traumas that they endure on a daily basis without developing severe issues of abandonment, anxiety, fear, and self-loathing.  I have not met a single individual who somehow escaped their family dysfunction, unscathed and unharmed.  So, this is where the "responsibility and accountability" come in:  to take ownership of my personal choices and decisions, regardless of the influences, coercions, and/or duress, and to take accountability that I am only human, allowed to make mistakes, and to alter whatever is necessary so that I do not continue making the same harmful and, often, foolish choices that result in self-harm.  That's it.  And, for those out there who argue that DV&A victims "choose" abusers, they are using the wrong terminology - we never sought abusers, but survivors of childhood traumas have a very different view of the world, themselves, and what they believe to be true.  They gravitate towards what is FAMILIAR - not what they really "want" or "deserve."  If DV&A was part of the family dynamic, then it's something "familiar."  If substance abuse was part of the family dysfunction, then addiction (and all of the ramifications) are "familiar."  The concept of "choosing" an abuser should never, under any circumstances, infer that the victim actively sought out and picked someone to abuse them - it is a psychological field of study in its own right, and it is far, far too complext to explain in a single blog entry.  But, "choice" refers to what is familiar - what we are accustomed to.  Period.

"But, Soulful, it sounds like you're blaming the VICTIMS!"  This is not true.  I am no more responsible for the abuses that were perpetrated against me than I am for the rotation of the Earth on its axis.  But, what I am completely responsible for is my own series of choices, actions, and decisions.  Once a situation was identified as being abusive, dangerous, or deceptive - no matter how long it took to come to the factual conclusions - it then became my responsibility to STOP being a victim, and BEGIN recovery and healing.

There are some people out there who are what can only be termed as, "Professional Victims."  These are people who, for whatever reason, have determined that they prefer someone to feel sorry for them, render assistance, and then to continue making the same choices that result in self-harm.  The general majority of these folks are looking for someone to rescue them - to take control of their lives, their finances, their mistakes, their decisions, and that dysfunction can be (and, has truly been) very, very damaging and perpetuates the neediness, and (in some cases) can result in a lethal situation.  Some people mistakenly identify these people as "Drama Whores," whether they're male, or female, and this isn't the same thing.  A Professional Victim is someone who, regardless of how often they ask for help or assert that they "don't like" living the way that they do, will beg and plead for advice or help, and then dismiss it, entirely, and end up going nowhere in their recovery.  A few of these types of people that I've known have actually blamed the people that they beg for help for their continued martyrdom - "I did what you told me to do, and look where I am, NOW!" 

As a strict aside, I recently made the decision to end a very important friendship with someone who is a Professional Victim.  I spent hours (literally) on the phone with this person answering questions and sharing what I'd learned about healing from trauma, as requested.  Now, this was all requested, not just me tossing information out there into the Universe in the hopes that this friend would absorb it, somehow.  This person would literally ask me "how" I manage my anxiety, "how" I faced the losses that I experienced, "how" do I continue my recovery and healing, and "what (did she) need to do" to help herself.  Each and every time that facts, suggestions, techniques, and explanations were offered upon request, my friend's response was, "Yes, but........."  It took me two years - literally 2 years - to recognize that this person was a Professional Victim.  No, she wasn't malicious or a predator, but she was 100% codependant and has deep, deep anger issues (as do ALL survivors of childhood traumas), and she had no intention of self-examination, contemplation, introspection, or taking her own issues by the horns and wrestling them down, on her own.  She wanted people to soothe her, and then continued crying, "Poor ME, poor ME!"

I did not want to be a Professional Victim.  I made a conscious decision to stand up and sort it out, and if that meant that I had to accept some level of responsibility at various points, then that's what I did.  And, the work that I engaged in did not prove to be fatal.  Was it uncomfortable?  Oh, hell YES it was.  Was it unfamiliar territory?  You bet it was.  Without someone to blame for my victimization, I had the option of either becoming responsible and standing accountable, or continuing the ongoing, never-ending, life-long Pity Party.  Is it "wrong" to throw a Pity Part and wail, "POOR ME!!!"?  Uh.........no, of course not.  It's 100% "normal" to feel sorry for one's self.  However, when a Pity Party becomes an ongoing and never-ending event, and requires constant attention and preparations, it develops into a personality defect.  I did not want to keep throwing Pity Parties, because I began to notice that those people that I invited would stay for only a few minutes, at the most, and then leave without thanking me for such a wonderful party.  Over time, I realized that people stopped attending my Pity Parties, altogether, and that I was the only one present.  I had laid out plenty of snacks, lots of entertainment where I would cry, bitch, moan, and groan about my most recent slap in the face, and I had gone to great lengths to make THIS Pity Party better than the last one.  Well........well, well, well..........people do become tired of hearing the same old shiat, and they have their own personal challenges to face.  And, I genuinely forgive those people for no longer attending, and I forgive myself for indulging in pathological self-pity.

So, there truly is recovery.  And, there really, really is healing.  Both of these things are conjoined and require time - time, time, and more time.  Resolve and determination are also excellent items to pack in the knapsack for the journey.  All other things will follow, in due time. 

Brightest, warmest, and most sincere blessings to everyone who is struggling with recovery. 

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