Re: #80332 !!

One more thing, very important:

We can argue that abused is often just as "guilty" or responsible as the abuser. We can even try to agree that responsibility is equal among them. Just for the sake of the argument, we'll asume that a raped girl is equally responsible as the rapist.

But there is one important difference:

Whatever the abused person did, was not overt, intentional and planned. It may be just as bad for instance teasing a drunk guy thinking nothing bad can happen only to find out later that a rape may happen... But the act of rape, that came as a result of the victims behaviour is much worse then anything she could've done.

At the same time - in what way did the kids cause or participate in causing his behaviour?

I totaly agree that passive agressive games exist, and a lot of times, even on these forums here, we can see that the person complaining is actually the problem. But in this case, even if I saw that there must've been something that the wife did that was wrong, his guilt was waaaaaaay above hers. She didn't walk out on her kids, she didn't say - I'll spend whatever I want on my cheap thrills, take it or leave it...

That's a big difference.

Her problem is that she actually didn't have a father. So instead of her participation in problem being passive-agressive, she actually contributed by not having a clear idea about what a good husband is like. She just didn't have the model after which she would choose a good husband. That's her "problem". She needs to observe other (good!) men, and stop idealizing those who are not so good. By not having done that, she contributed to her problem; hardly anything that she should feel responsible for. Tweet