Re: serious...need help

Dear 71425,
Isn't it telling that women with several children are the ones who hesitate to leave? I can understand that. You disrupt the childrens' lives And you face the Unknown. You torture yourself over what the other relatives will say and think and if the children will be embarrassed around their friends.
And you worry about money.
What I did was worry about all those things but I had one huge advantage: I only had one child at home and she was less than a year from leaving for college. When I started getting seriously thinking about making my move I went to the library! I never told him this but I wanted to look up what I could "get" out of a divorce, financially. It was Texas and it was pretty good news. The bad news was I had few job skills. But the good news was we had joint accounts and I new he had a safety deposit box and I had signature on it. And I read I was entitled to half the retirement monies the university had built up over 18 years. I got a lawyer and he never mentioned that; I brought it up to him.
It was quite a job. My lawyer, a cheap one, said to bring him every paper that showed how much my ex had earned in the previous year. Here I was in a panic, having terrific anxiety, heavily into fears of all kinds, destroyed by my ex's behaviiors and I had to look over papers while he was at work. So I made a thick file, a lot of it messy but readable.
The first MAJOR hurdle was getting an apartment without him knowing about it at first. After 18 years and 2 daughters this was a REAL hard thing to do. I knew what we had in our checking account and I found a very nice apartment but had NO job.
I saw it then I just drove around in the new car he had let me drive for months.
Thinking, thinking, I have to do this, he has destroyed my life, my faith in him, I have no respect anymore for this man I loved and respected for so long. I FORCED MYSELF to hand over a check to the apartment manager and my life changed instantly.
I do not remember how this happened but I got a bed. I don't remember a lot of things about how I got furniture into that place but I do remember using his credit card to buy a queen sofabed. And then a new dinette. A phone. An answering machine.
Just before this I had madly loaded up most of my clothing into the SUV and had taken it to the apartment and hung it up.
the first night in that apartment was fantastic. No fighting no noise nothing but quiet and a huge feeling of relief.
That week I was shocked that my ex, while I took it for granted that he wanted me
to come back, brought some of our furniture up those stairs to my apartment! Including our 17 yr old daughter's furniture. He claimed HE lugged two wingback recliners up the stairs alone. He's strong but, I dunno.
After about a week or so I decided to drive out to our old house to talk. I had no idea what I wanted to say but I wanted to get "a feel" of how he was feeling. I'm glad I did because , much to my horror, I saw a young girl of 21 sitting at our table and my ex raced down the hallway and PUSHED ME HARD ONTO THE PORCH. I didn't quite fall down but I limped off to the car, realizing it was REALLY OVER. I never went back there again.
I had a close girlfriend who was single and one closer one who was getting ready to be divorced but the 2nd girl was pregnant. So the first friend and I decided
to start going out dancing. On friday and saturday nights we'd go to this big club,
have a bunch of drinks and dance until closing. I was a very young looking 40 at that time, slim and trim, and I had a wonderful time!! I loved it!! I began dating like crazy and not working. My lawyer had worked out nice child support for me. I would go to the courthouse the first of the month and pick up my check. I also had income from a mutual fund granted me by my lawyer. Yes, I was taking a chance regarding retaining employment but for some reason I didn't worry about it.
My daughter spent most of her time in school or with friends and she never did drugs or smoked and her father had weekend custody (which he didn't want). So for awhile I had entire weekends to myself, new car full of gas, nice apartment,
fun girlfriends and dates. After one year of this Midlife Fantasy I met my present husband, a wonderful man who had left his wealthy wife (this is good; She did not divorce Him)and we've been married for 19 years this september.
For me, it all worked out great. I know I was lucky that a check was simply deducted from my husband's salary for one year. The only thing I regret is something I never considered or thought about; I lost contact with my ex's family.
Instantly, all the wonderful family times I had spent with my mother in law,
my ex's sister and her kids----ended forever. This saddens me.
If I have any advice of a general nature to give someone in your position I would do the following things. If you have access to his money, get it fast. But only if you intend to leave. Go to any lawyer and get child support , first thing, started.
Make sure you realize you may never see his family again. If you are afraid of him leave the state. Tell your children they'll be fine EVERYDAY. Try to appear cheerful and confident around them. Keep in touch w/your lawyer; mine did not charge a dime for phone calls; this was great. I don't think you have a job?
This is why getting a lawyer and money FIRST THING is so important. He owes you.
He owes you for all you've done for him over the years; he owes you for all the lack of respect he has shown you. Rid yourself of any guilt. Most of all, try and have some fun. I had TOO much fun! I hated to give it up for marriage but I knew I had a good one on the line and didn't want anyone else snatching him up! Enjoy the new found attention you get around every single man who finds out you're single.
I could not get over the flattery and attention I received from men after a few years of physical, psychological abuse. He told me I was old and wrinkled and I'd not find a date. HOW FUNNY!! What brainwashing!! Then when I'd be out with some 38 yr old guy he'd call me up and tell me, "he was really a great looking guy." Why he did that I do not know. Only reason I was dating younger men was because I had been going to a gym and lifting weights alongside men for over a year when I left.
So I was really in great shape and slender. There is, sadly, in our society a bias towards thinness. I'm now a grandmother and certainly not in shape OR thin anymore but the time has gone by so fast. But for you, I'd recommend having an income
and being in shape. It is so unfair: the better you LOOK the more FUN you'll have when single just like when you were nineteen.
One last thing: even though I was dating and dancing and not working, I had a lot of anxiety , even panic attacks and insomnia for years starting before I left. So I don't want to Sugar coat this too much. It is only now, nineteen years later, that I'm learning all about supplements, yoga, and how to relax. It has been one heck of an experience. I wish you all the luck in the world and feel free to write back. Tweet