I'm not sure what your religious beliefs are - but if you or your children are being mistreated than you have every right to leave and seek safe refuge. God would rather have you and your kids safe and happy! And, ideally you should never be condemned for leaving.

If your marriage is damaging to you emotionally/physically/spiritually and your husband refuses to acknowledge his abuse and seek help to change, it's time to leave (after 13 years I'm sure you've tried and he won't change now).

It's a huge change on all aspects of your life and once you leave you'll wonder if you did the right thing. It'll be difficult emotionally, financially... but stick with it. You're doing the right thing. There will be calm after the storm!! It's completely natural to be anxious/angry/depressed. Seek out support groups and loved ones in your area for help, especially emotionally.

You CAN leave if you truly want to!! Don't let anyone tell you differently than what your heart and soul are telling you. Honestly, can you see yourself living as your are now for another 5 years? 10 years? 15 years? 30 years?

Act now and get it over with!

Keep us updated, you have all our support :)

I think you have had it! youve sucked it up and put up with abuse and unhappiness for thirteen years and now you are ready to put your energy into you and making your life a happier more fufiling life. I come a religion where marage is a coventant that shouldnt be broken , you husband's harrasment is going againt the covenant you made together with God so you shouldnt feel obligated youve done all you could and I think God is a caring loving understanding God who wants us to be happy . You are worth too much to put up with that any longer There are many men who would treat you like a queen you shouldnt settle for less . Your child are affected by abuse even if you think they dont know about it, they need to see there mom happy

Remember what the Bible says about the role of husbands. They are to love their wives as their own bodies; they are also to love their wives in a sacrificial manner as Christ gave himself for the Church. Although your husband has a sad past and probably not much of a role model for the behavior of a Christian husband; the simple fact is that he has not fulfilled the Biblical standard for a Christian husband. If you cannot accept the idea of divorce you can simply separate yourself from him, but you need to get out of harm's way, and you owe it to your children to not expose them to that kind of violent behavior and risk another generation of abusers and abused. If you think you have any kind of chance of his improving you can separate and refuse to have any kind of relationship with him until he undergoes counseling. If he refuses, or the counseling does not help, then divorce may be your only answer. Since you would be doing this to save your life and the lives of your children, I do not believe God will condemn you. He condemns lusting after others and breaking the marriage vows to be faithful to your spouse. Divorce because of your lust or adultery is one thing, divorcing a violent dangerous man is quite another. Pray about this and allow the Bible to speak to you. Sadly some churches lack the compassion to see the whole picture. A young woman at my church is dealing with a similar situation with domestic violence and drug addiction, and some of the men in the church claim its her duty to stay with her husband. I cannot agree with that in her case or yours. Even if it is just a separation and not divorce, you need to remove yourself from danger and allow your husband to decide if he is willing to change.

That is so sad. I'm so sorry. But I guess the first thing I will ask you is do you think he CAN change? If not there is nothing you can do but leave. No God could have intended that a person be torchured for their whole life....really. BUT if you think he may be able to change if forced, then maybe you should concider leaving him for a while. Make him think it's for real. You can give him ultimatums up the ying yang, but if he doesn't believe you will follow through then they will never work. If you left you would have to make it FOR REAL and make it last .....don't run back to him at the first sign of him feeling sorry or saying he is....make him SHOW YOU. It's all about "rock bottom" on his part. He must truly believe he has lost you forever. Also....if he doesn't change after time, it will be OK with you because you will have your life in order by then. Not to mention that if things seemed to be leaning toward a reconsiliation, you will both be much healthier mentally if given enough time. I've done it. Long story....happened years ago....but I've been with my husband for 11 years SINCE that happened (17 all together...BTW I'm 34)our son will be 16 in March and we have a wonderful relationship now. BUT I would have been fine to move on, it just went this way fortunately now.

Good Luck to and your children. I hope you find peace.

I've edited this to reflect the question Babs had.... Should is out...It's all about "will".

The bottom line is:

No one WILL ever hit you.

No one WILL make you feel bad about yourself.

No one WILL make you fearful.

No one WILL take away your freedom.

No one WILL take away your choice.

LIve by these rules and you will get what you deserve.

Good luck.

Molly

Dear 71425,
Isn't it telling that women with several children are the ones who hesitate to leave? I can understand that. You disrupt the childrens' lives And you face the Unknown. You torture yourself over what the other relatives will say and think and if the children will be embarrassed around their friends.
And you worry about money.
What I did was worry about all those things but I had one huge advantage: I only had one child at home and she was less than a year from leaving for college. When I started getting seriously thinking about making my move I went to the library! I never told him this but I wanted to look up what I could "get" out of a divorce, financially. It was Texas and it was pretty good news. The bad news was I had few job skills. But the good news was we had joint accounts and I new he had a safety deposit box and I had signature on it. And I read I was entitled to half the retirement monies the university had built up over 18 years. I got a lawyer and he never mentioned that; I brought it up to him.
It was quite a job. My lawyer, a cheap one, said to bring him every paper that showed how much my ex had earned in the previous year. Here I was in a panic, having terrific anxiety, heavily into fears of all kinds, destroyed by my ex's behaviiors and I had to look over papers while he was at work. So I made a thick file, a lot of it messy but readable.
The first MAJOR hurdle was getting an apartment without him knowing about it at first. After 18 years and 2 daughters this was a REAL hard thing to do. I knew what we had in our checking account and I found a very nice apartment but had NO job.
I saw it then I just drove around in the new car he had let me drive for months.
Thinking, thinking, I have to do this, he has destroyed my life, my faith in him, I have no respect anymore for this man I loved and respected for so long. I FORCED MYSELF to hand over a check to the apartment manager and my life changed instantly.
I do not remember how this happened but I got a bed. I don't remember a lot of things about how I got furniture into that place but I do remember using his credit card to buy a queen sofabed. And then a new dinette. A phone. An answering machine.
Just before this I had madly loaded up most of my clothing into the SUV and had taken it to the apartment and hung it up.
the first night in that apartment was fantastic. No fighting no noise nothing but quiet and a huge feeling of relief.
That week I was shocked that my ex, while I took it for granted that he wanted me
to come back, brought some of our furniture up those stairs to my apartment! Including our 17 yr old daughter's furniture. He claimed HE lugged two wingback recliners up the stairs alone. He's strong but, I dunno.
After about a week or so I decided to drive out to our old house to talk. I had no idea what I wanted to say but I wanted to get "a feel" of how he was feeling. I'm glad I did because , much to my horror, I saw a young girl of 21 sitting at our table and my ex raced down the hallway and PUSHED ME HARD ONTO THE PORCH. I didn't quite fall down but I limped off to the car, realizing it was REALLY OVER. I never went back there again.
I had a close girlfriend who was single and one closer one who was getting ready to be divorced but the 2nd girl was pregnant. So the first friend and I decided
to start going out dancing. On friday and saturday nights we'd go to this big club,
have a bunch of drinks and dance until closing. I was a very young looking 40 at that time, slim and trim, and I had a wonderful time!! I loved it!! I began dating like crazy and not working. My lawyer had worked out nice child support for me. I would go to the courthouse the first of the month and pick up my check. I also had income from a mutual fund granted me by my lawyer. Yes, I was taking a chance regarding retaining employment but for some reason I didn't worry about it.
My daughter spent most of her time in school or with friends and she never did drugs or smoked and her father had weekend custody (which he didn't want). So for awhile I had entire weekends to myself, new car full of gas, nice apartment,
fun girlfriends and dates. After one year of this Midlife Fantasy I met my present husband, a wonderful man who had left his wealthy wife (this is good; She did not divorce Him)and we've been married for 19 years this september.
For me, it all worked out great. I know I was lucky that a check was simply deducted from my husband's salary for one year. The only thing I regret is something I never considered or thought about; I lost contact with my ex's family.
Instantly, all the wonderful family times I had spent with my mother in law,
my ex's sister and her kids----ended forever. This saddens me.
If I have any advice of a general nature to give someone in your position I would do the following things. If you have access to his money, get it fast. But only if you intend to leave. Go to any lawyer and get child support , first thing, started.
Make sure you realize you may never see his family again. If you are afraid of him leave the state. Tell your children they'll be fine EVERYDAY. Try to appear cheerful and confident around them. Keep in touch w/your lawyer; mine did not charge a dime for phone calls; this was great. I don't think you have a job?
This is why getting a lawyer and money FIRST THING is so important. He owes you.
He owes you for all you've done for him over the years; he owes you for all the lack of respect he has shown you. Rid yourself of any guilt. Most of all, try and have some fun. I had TOO much fun! I hated to give it up for marriage but I knew I had a good one on the line and didn't want anyone else snatching him up! Enjoy the new found attention you get around every single man who finds out you're single.
I could not get over the flattery and attention I received from men after a few years of physical, psychological abuse. He told me I was old and wrinkled and I'd not find a date. HOW FUNNY!! What brainwashing!! Then when I'd be out with some 38 yr old guy he'd call me up and tell me, "he was really a great looking guy." Why he did that I do not know. Only reason I was dating younger men was because I had been going to a gym and lifting weights alongside men for over a year when I left.
So I was really in great shape and slender. There is, sadly, in our society a bias towards thinness. I'm now a grandmother and certainly not in shape OR thin anymore but the time has gone by so fast. But for you, I'd recommend having an income
and being in shape. It is so unfair: the better you LOOK the more FUN you'll have when single just like when you were nineteen.
One last thing: even though I was dating and dancing and not working, I had a lot of anxiety , even panic attacks and insomnia for years starting before I left. So I don't want to Sugar coat this too much. It is only now, nineteen years later, that I'm learning all about supplements, yoga, and how to relax. It has been one heck of an experience. I wish you all the luck in the world and feel free to write back.

Ma'am, I don't understand why a "religion" would approve of you to stay in a marriage that is doing you harm. Trust me, God will not love you any less if you get out of this disruptive marriage soon as you can. You must have seen the red lights and stop signs early on in your dating relationship with this person. Yet you chose him. I don't believe a person such as himself just turned like that overnight. I believe he was always abusive like that towards you and you chose to put up with that. I don't understand why women don't use common sense when dealing with men. This is the source of their heartache. I don't understand, again I say, what legitimate religion would allow a woman to get her head bashed in time and time again for the sake of "IT". If this is the case, I strongly question this religion. This is not love. This is disruptive and hurting your progression in life. This is also common sense.

he sounds bi polar to me
either he goes on meds, goes for counselling or you need to find a safe haven if not for yourself for the sake of the kids.