Re: Getting off of Xanax and AF recovery failure

Hi

I'm going to be 32 this month.
Amazing how many people experience dramatically painful transformation when they hit their early 30-s or late 20-s... Nearly everyone I know had something happen to them that changed them forever. My friend says that up to when we are 30 we actually live through our past karmic experiences, "pay off the debt" so to speak... It's quite radical for me to believe in this particular explanation but who knows? There is definitely something else at play here.

The worst part of this transformative experience for me personally is now over. I don't like to think about that dark part of my life because my mind developed this strange ability to block the thoughts that invoke unpleasant feelings of guilt, shame or fear. I believed it was a good ability to just avoid traumatic experiences but lately I suspect that these suppressed emotions tend to manifest themselves in other ways that are much much worse.

Anyway, that's what changed my life:
The year of 2011 was devastating for me in many ways. It started with me getting a job promotion that I'd been waiting for and working extremely hard to get. My energy level at that time was extremely low, so I found myself I relying on stimulants to function. In fact, I was taking so much of the stimulants that I also needed more xanax to "take the edge off".... I knew that it couldn't continue but I just couldn't let that promotion slip out of my hands... As early as summer of 2010 I first noticed very scary signs that something was very wrong with me. I actually worked in medical field so I knew that it was serious. I kept working over time, depriving my body of nutrition, sunlight and sleep. Then I started to make mistakes at work and few months later my precious position was given away to another person. I freaked out about it. I finally went to the doctor and found out that I also had Hep C. I had no natural energy left and no amount of stimulants could bring it back. My body finally said "f*** you" after years of abuse. The life that I've ever known was gone. I went from being this strong, assertive and successful person to being weak, sick and lost in just a few months. I didn't know what to do with all that and decided to put me out of my misery. I took at least 5 times the lethal dose of painkillers in combination with benzos and sleeping pills. I really wanted out.
Obviously it didn't work. Instead of ending the misery I added acute liver failure on top of it.There is no suitable medical explanation why I'm alive. I knew what I was doing and the doctors said that it was enough for grown up men let alone a under a 100 lbs woman. They didn't even bother pumping my stomach. They thought for sure I'd die.
Since then I've come a long way with yoga and meditation alone. After practicing yoga I realized how unnaturally I've lived my life. That's when I decided to quit all the meds.

Why am I saying all this?... I just like to make my posts long and dramatic:)
It's just so extreme that there is no way to tell such story without any drama.
It's just a rely to what you've said about fear that comes with the illness. It's true. It so scary to lose what you've come to identify yourself with. I wouldn't go back to my job if they pay me a million now. But I got my second chance to understand this. Many don't. It's a pity.
All the stuff that we do, our friends, hobbies, going to clubs, popping pills is so freaking stupid if taken as the ultimate reality. In fact we lose ourselves living the lives we choose to but it is only when we have to stop we are blessed with seeing that there is so much more to life...

Ok, I'm totally losing track of what I wanted to say initially...

This brain fog is driving me insane.

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